The pilot swung the little plane into the wind, and within minutes they were in the air.
The photographer said, "Fly over the park and make two or three low passes so I can take some pictures."
"Why?" asked the pilot.
"Because I am a photographer," he responded, "and photographers take photographs."
The pilot was silent for a moment; finally he stammered, "You mean you're not the flight instructor...?"



The Baltimore Police Department, famous for its superior K-9 unit, was somewhat taken back by a recent incident. Returning home from work, Brittany was shocked to find her house had been ransacked and burglarized.
She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first on the scene.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, Brittany ran out on the porch, clapped a hand to her head and moaned, "I come home from work to find all my possessions stolen, I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send a BLIND policeman!"


Lady Eiam
A small boy was looking at the red ripe tomatoes growing in the farmer's garden. "I'll give you my two pennies for that tomato," said the boy pointing to a beautiful, large, ripe fruit hanging on the vine.

"No," said the farmer, "I get a dime for a tomato like that one."

The small boy pointed to a smaller green one, "Will you take two pennies for that one?"

"Yes," replied the farmer, "I'll give you that one for two cents."

"OK," said the lad, sealing the deal by putting the coins in the farmer's hand,

"I'll pick it up in about a week."

MagyarGypsy
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.

Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."

Sammy
A young woman of a particular hair color was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but didn't want to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the woman shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"
The shopkeeper replied, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"
Determined, the woman headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it onto the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement. The woman flipped the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouted out, "Darn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

Darlene
Two storks are sitting in their nest - a father stork and baby stork. The baby stork is crying so the father stork is trying to calm him. "Don't worry, son. Your mother will come back. She's only bringing people babies and making them happy."
The next night, it's father's turn to do the job. Mother and son are sitting in the nest, and the baby stork is crying again. The mother says, "Son, your father will be back as soon as possible, but now he's bringing joy to new mommies and daddies."
A few days later, the stork's parents are desperate because their son has been absent from the nest all night! Shortly before dawn, he returns and the parents ask him where he's been all night.
The baby stork says, "Nowhere. Just scaring the hell out of college students!"


Sammy
St. Mom's Wort ... Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.
Empty Nestrogen .. Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait til they moved out.
Peptobimbo ... Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.
Dumerol ... When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low I.Q. causing enjoyment of country western music.
Flipitor .. Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other driver.
Antiboyotics ... When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on make-up.
Menicillin ... Potent antiboyotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person ... can we get naked now?"
Buyagra ... Indictable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.
Extra Strength Buy-one-all ... When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura.
Jack Asspirin ... Relieves the headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.
Anti-talksident ... A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.
Men-Gay ... A rub-in ointment that enables single women to identify who to cross off the dating pool.



BONDIE
LOVE MAKING TIPS FOR THE OLDER PERSON
-Put bifocals on.
-Double check that you're with the right partner.
-Set alarm on your clock for 2 minutes ... in case you doze off in the middle.
-Set the mood with lighting. Turn 'em ALL OFF!
-Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin ... just in case!
-Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember what to scream out at the end.



A bum, who obviously has seen more than his share of hard times, approaches a well-dressed gentleman on the street. "Hey, Buddy, can you spare two dollars?"
The well-dressed gentleman responds, "You are not going to spend in on liquor are you?"
"No, sir, I don't drink," retorts the bum.
"You are not going to throw it away gambling, are you?" asks the gentleman.
"No way, I don't gamble," answers the bum.
"You wouldn't waste the money at a golf course for greens fees, would you?" asks the man.
"Never," says the bum, "I don't play golf."
The man asks the bum if he would like to come home with him for a home cooked meal. The bum accepts eagerly. While they are heading for the man's house, the bum's curiosity gets the better of him.
"Isn't your wife going to be angry when she sees a guy like me at your table?"
"Probably," says the man, "but it will be worth it. I want her to see what happens to a guy who doesn't drink, gamble or play golf. "


In the wake of the Exxon/Mobil deal and the AOL/Time Warner implode, I wanted to make a few close friends aware of the next expected mergers so you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks. Watch for these consolidations in late 2002 and make yourself a bundle.
1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush and W.R.Grace Co. will merge and become Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros. and Zesta Crackers join forces and become...Polly, Warner Cracker.

3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and issue forth as MMMGood.

4. Zippo Mfg., Audi Motor Car, Dofasco and Dakota Mining will merge to become, of course, ZipAudiDoDa.

5. Federal Express is expected to join its major competitor, UPS, and consolidate as FedUP

6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become Fairwell Honeychild.

7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become Poupon Pants.

8. Knotts Berry Farm and the Nat'l Org. of Women will become Knott NOW

A 92 YEAR OLD MAN WHO LOVES TO FISH WAS SITTING IN HIS BOAT ON A LAKE WHEN HE HEARD A VOICE SAY, "PICK ME UP."
HE LOOKED AROUND AND COULD NOT SEE ANY ONE. HE THOUGHT HE WAS DREAMING WHEN HE HEARD THE VOICE AGAIN, "PICK ME UP."
HE LOOKED IN THE WATER AND THERE FLOATING ON THE TOP WAS A FROG. THE OLD MAN SAID, "ARE YOU TALKING TO ME?"
THE FROG SAID, "YES, I'M TALKING TO YOU. PICK ME UP AND KISS ME AND I'll TURN INTO THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN YOU HAVE EVER SEEN AND WILL GIVE YOU THE MOST WONDERFUL SEXUAL PLEASURES THAT YOU HAVE EVER DREAMED OF."

THE OLD MAN LOOKED AT THE FROG FOR A SHORT TIME AND THEN REACHED OVER AND PICKED IT UP CAREFULLY, PLACING IT IN HIS FRONT BREAST POCKET.
THEN THE FROG SAID, "WHAT ARE YOU NUTS, DIDN'T YOU HEAR WHAT I SAID? I SAID KISS ME AND I WILL GIVE YOU SEXUAL PLEASURES LIKE YOU HAVE NEVER HAD."

THE OLD MAN OPENED HIS POCKET, LOOKED AT THE FROG AND SAID, "AT MY AGE I'D RATHER HAVE A TALKING FROG."


A cowpoke in West Texas was herding longhorn cattle one day when he heard faint music coming from nearby. After hunting about for a time, he discovered the sound was loudest near one particular calf, and was even louder near the calf's tail. Putting his head close to the calf's hind end, he heard, "The eyes of Texas are upon you, all the live long day..." Amazed, he tossed the longhorn calf over his horse's back, mounted and rode quickly to his line shack 10 miles away. There he put the calf into his truck and drove 74 miles to Ft. Stockton, where he took the animal to a vet.
When the vet asked him what was going on, the cowpoke told him, and the vet went around behind the calf and gave a listen, too. He agreed he heard "The eyes of Texas are upon you, you cannot get away..." but didn't seem particularly excited.
"Man, how can you stand there and not be amazed?" the cowpoke asked. The vet, a third generation Aggie, said, "Bud, I'm an Aggie, and I've been listening to assholes sing the "Eyes of Texas" for years."