| Sammy The flight was coming into Dallas when a combination of mechanical errors and unstable weather caused the plane to start plummeting to the ground! The pilot feverishly worked his controls, and finally, the engines roared back to life in time to prevent the plane from going splat on the ground! As the plane landed, airport officials rushed to the disembarking gate and were stunned to see 200 midgets shakily get off the plane. Finally the crew got off the plane and the local manager of the airline came up to congratulate him on his perseverance under extreme odds. As the official and the pilot were talking, the official commented how unusual it was that there were so many midgets on the flight. "Those weren't midgets," the pilot replied. Those were Texans with all the shit scared out of them!"  Sammy A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dog along for company. One day the dog started chasing butterflies and before long he discovered that he was lost. Wandering about he noticed a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The dog thought, "Boy, I'm in deep doo doo now." Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settled down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaimed loudly, "Man, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?" Hearing this the leopard halted in his attack in midstride, as a look of terror came over him, and he slinked away into the trees. "Whew," thought the leopard. "That was close. That dog nearly had me." Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figured he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dog saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up. The monkey soon caught up with the leopard, spilled the beans and struck a deal for himself with the leopard. The cat was furious at being made a fool of and said, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine." Now the dog saw the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thought, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sat down with his back to his attacker pretending he hadn't seen them yet. And just when they got close enough to hear, the dog said, "Where's that monkey. I just can never trust him. I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard, and he's still not back!!" Darlene Timmy was a little five year old boy that his Mom loved very much and, being a worrier, she was concerned about him walking to school when he started Kindergarten. She walked him to school the couple of days but when he came home one day, he told his mother that he did not want her walking him to school everyday. He wanted to be like the "big boys." He protested loudly, so she had an idea of how to handle it. She asked a neighbor, Mrs. Goodnest, if she would surreptitiously follow her son to school, at a distance behind him that he would not likely notice, but close enough to keep a watch on him. Mrs. Goodnest said that since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it would be a good way for them to get some exercise as well so she agreed. The next school day, Mrs. Goodnest and her little girl, Marcy, set out following behind Timmy as he walked to school with another neighbor boy he knew. She did this for the whole week. As the boys walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, the little friend of Timmy noticed that this same lady was following them as she seemed to do every day all week. Finally, he said to Timmy, "Have you noticed that lady following us all week? Do you know her?" Timmy nonchalantly replied, "Yea, I know who she is." The little friend said, "Well who is she?" "That's just Shirley Goodnest" Timmy said. "Shirley Goodnest? Who the heck is she and why is she following us?" "Well," Timmy explained, "every night my Mom makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers cuz she worries about me so much. And in it, the prayer psalm says, "Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life." So I guess I'll just have to get used to it. A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a frying pan. "What was that for?" he asked. "That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it," she replied. "Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explained. "Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good explanation." Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold. When he came to, he asked, "What was that for?" She replied "Your horse called." Vi Three women are sitting naked in the sauna. Suddenly there is a beeping sound. The first lady presses her forearm and the beeping stops. The others look at her curiously. "That's my pager," she says, "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm." A few minutes later a phone rings. The second woman lifts her palm to her ear. When she finishes she explains, "That's my mobile phone.. I have a microchip in my hand." The third woman, feeling decidedly low-tech, steps out of the sauna. In a few minutes she returns with a piece of toilet paper hanging from her butt. The others raise their eyebrows. "Oh excuse me she says, I'm getting a fax." LadyEiam A little girl walked into a pet shop and asked in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabiths?" And the shopkeeper got down on one knee, so that he was on her level, and asked, "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby?"
The little girl in turn put her hands on her knees, bent forward, and
said, "I don't fink my pyfon gives a thit!"
2. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three. 3. You call your son's beeper to let him know it's time to eat. He e-mails you back from his bedroom "What's for dinner?" 4. Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site. 5. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken with your next door neighbor yet this year. 6. You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it contains Echinacea. 7. Your grandmother asks you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver. 8. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home. 9. Every commercial on television has a web-site address at the bottom of the screen. 10. You buy a computer and 6 months later it is out of date and now sells for half the price you paid. 11. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 years of your life, is cause for panic and turning around to go get it. 12. Using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase would be a hassle and take planning. 13. Cleaning up the dining room means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car. 14. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses. 15. You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow. 16. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet. 17. Your idea of being organized is multiple-colored Post-it notes. 18. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person. 19. You get an extra phone line so you can get phone calls. 20. You disconnect from the Internet and get this awful feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one. 21. You get up in morning and go online before getting your coffee. 22. You wake up at 2 am to go to the bathroom and check your E-mail on your way back to bed. 23. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : ) 24. You're reading this. 25. Even worse, you're going to forward it to someone else!
From the Notice Committee for Noticing Notices My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him. Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels. Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps. Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.
The first one is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if he has any last words. He says, "I am from the Baylor school of divinity and I believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on behalf of the innocent, of which I am one." They throw the switch and nothing happens, so they figure the man is truly blessed and they let him go. The second man is strapped in and gives his last words, "I am from the University of Texas School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent, of which I am one." They throw the switch and again nothing happens. They figure that the law is on this guy's side, so they let him go, too.
The last guy is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm a Texas Aggie
Electrical Engineer, and I'll tell you one thing right now-you ain't
gonna electrocute NOBODY if you don't connect them two wires first. . ."
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
Driving to work, a gentleman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out
of a truck in front of him. Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over
for reckless driving. Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton
in the road. The policemen stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was
found to contain large upholstery tacks. "I'm sorry sir," the first
trooper told the driver, "but I am still going to have to write you a
ticket." |