|
Sammy A blonde heard that milk baths make you beautiful. So she left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify the point. The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 15 gallons or 1.5 gallons?" The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub with milk and take a milk bath." The milkman asked, "OK. So, you want it Pasteurized?" The blonde said, "No, just up to my boobs.  Sammy An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair all different colors--green, red, orange, blue, and yellow. The old man just stared. The young man said, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?" The old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son." Ruthie A man was out walking one day and went by a retirement home. As he passed the front lawn, he saw 9 old ladies basking in the sun in lounge chairs. When he looked closer he realized that they were all stark naked. He went to the door and rang the bell. When the director answered the door, the man asked if he realized there were 9 naked old ladies laying in the sun on the front lawn. The director said, "Yes" and went on to explain that the old ladies were all retired prostitutes living at the retirement home, and they were having a yard sale. Darlene A proud Native American chief was viewing his brand-new son through the window of the maternity ward. A nurse arrives and says "You can see your wife now." The chief replied "No talk to wife." "But sir, she just had a baby. She's all cleaned up and ready to see you. Don't you want to see her?" "Mad at wife. No talk to wife 10 years!" "But sir, how can you be so mad at your wife and still manage to have a baby?" The chief replied "Just mad at face." nonebetter The old Cherokee chief sat in his reservation hut, smoking the ceremonial pipe, eyeing the two US government officials sent to interview him. "Chief Two Eagles," one official began, "you have observed the white man for many generations, you have seen his wars and his products, you have seen all his progress, and all his problems." The chief nodded. The official continued, "Considering recent events, in your opinion, where has the white man gone wrong?" The chief stared at the government officials for over a minute, and then calmly replied. "When white man found the land, Indians were running it. No taxes. No debt. Plenty buffalo, Plenty beaver. Women did most of the work. Medicine man free. Indian men hunted and fished all the time". The chief smiled, and added quietly, "White man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that." Szak The preacher was preaching with all his might. The subject was SIN, and he was most certainly 'against' it. When a girl, with a wonderful figure, and not nearly enough clothes to hide much skin, came in late. She strode down the center aisle, close to the front, and sat down.
It was plain to the preacher that he had lost the men in his audience to this voluptuous sex object. He shook a fist at her and said out loud,
"You are the Jezebel the good book tells us about. You have got the mind of every man in this building on evil thoughts and not good thoughts. But I am a man of God! You don't affect me, and right now up in Heaven, Saint Finger is shaking his Peter at you."
The farmer leaves, and a while later, the artificial insemination manarrives. Amy takes him down the rows of cows until she sees the nail. She says,"This is the one, right here." The man says, "How do you know?" Amy says, "By the nail over its stall." The man says, "What's the nail for?"
Amy says, "I guess it's to hang your pants on...." Second guy: "That is nothing, I had to promise my wife that I willbuild her a new deck for the pool." Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife thatI will remodel the kitchen for her." They continue to fish when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they asked him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?"
Fourth guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut
off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, "Fishing or Sex" and she
said, "Wear a sweater." The next day, when he went to the restroom, he looked at the sink, and right below, immediately above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered another sign, which read: : Beckie A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger standing in a pouring down rain is asking for a push. "Not a chance" says the husband -- "It's three o'clock in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed . "Who was it?" asks his wife. "Just a drunken stranger asking for a push" he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I didn't - it's three in the morning and raining like heck out!" "Well you've got a short memory" says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down on vacation and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him." The man does as he is told and gets dressed and goes out into the pounding rain and calls out into the dark. "Hello - are you still there?" "Yes," comes the answer. "Do you still want a push?" calls out the husband. "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark. "Where are you?" asks the husband. "Over here on the swing" the drunk replies. Sammy A bill collector knocked on the door of a country debtor. "Is Fred home?" he asked the woman who answered the door. "Sorry," the woman replied. "Fred's gone for cotton." The next day the collector tried again. "Is Fred here today?" "No, sir," she said, "I'm afraid Fred has gone for cotton." When he returned the third day he humphed, "And I suppose Fred is gone for cotton again today?" "No," the woman answered solemnly, "Fred died yesterday." She wiped a tear with a stained hanky. Suspicious that he was being avoided, the collector decided to wait a week and investigate the cemetery himself, where, sure enough, there was poor Fred's tombstone with this inscription: "Gone, But Not for Cotton." Three lawyers and three engineers are traveling by train to a conference. The lawyers each buy a ticket but the three engineers buy only one. "How are three people going to travel on one ticket?" asked one of the lawyers. "You'll see," says an engineer. The lawyers take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom. When the conductor comes to collect the tickets, he knocks on the restroom door. "Tickets, please." The door opens a crack and a single ticket emerges. The conductor takes it and moves on. Returning from the conference, the lawyers decide to buy a single ticket. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy any ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks a lawyer. "You'll see," says an engineer. The lawyers cram into a restroom and the engineers cram into another one nearby. Then, one of the engineers leaves his restroom, walks over to the restroom where the lawyers are hiding, knocks on the door and says: "Ticket, please." Sammy Way down in dat old swamp known as Louisiana, Bubba's ole lady had been pregnant for some time, and now the time had come. So, he brought her to the doctor, and the doctor began to deliver the baby. She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Bubba and said, "Hey, Bubba! You just had you a son! Ain't dat grand!" Bubba got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, "Hold on! We ain't finished yet!" The doctor then delivered a little girl. He said, "Hey, Bubba! You got you a daughter! She a pretty lil ting, Bubba got kind of puzzled by this, and then the doctor said, "Hold on, we still ain't got done yet!" The doctor then delivered another boy and said, "Bubba, you just had youself another boy!" When Bubba and his wife went home with their three children, he sat down with his wife and said, "Mama, you remember dat night what we ran out of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere 3-in-1 Oil?" She said, "Yeah, I do". Bubba said, "Man, it's a damn good ting we didn't use no WD-40!" Index Page |