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Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation. "How'd you die?" the first man asks the second. "I froze to death," says the second. "That's awful," says the first man. "How does it feel to freeze to death?" "It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second man. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?" "I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died." The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic," he says. "What do you mean?" asks the first man. "If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."  A man went to have a tooth pulled, and the dentist said, "I will need to give you an anesthetic." The man said, "No, I don't need anything. Just pull the tooth." The dentist said, "You won't be able to withstand the pain!" The man said, "I have been through excruciating pain twice in my life. Just pull the tooth." The dentist pulled the tooth, and the man didn't even flinch. The dentist said, If pain experience left you with that pain tolerance, I would like to know about it." The man said, "I went on a hunting trip with three other men, and we stayed in a cabin. We hunted Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday, and when Thursday came, all were tired but me, so I went out by myself. When I got about four miles from the cabin, on snow-covered ground, I realized I had to 'do my business.' Knowing I couldn't make it back to the cabin, I decided to go right there. I tucked behind a tree and dropped my pants and squatted down to go. I didn't see the trap under the snow cover, and when I squatted, my privates dropped in the trap and tripped it, and it slammed shut on them." The dentist said, "Wow! If that was the first time, when was the second experience?" The man replied, "When I ran out of chain on the trap." nonebetter A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer. The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer. The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings." The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar." The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings." The bear goes to the end of the bar, and as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer. The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs. "The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs." ............. (You're gonna love this)............. The bartender says, "You are now. That was a bar-bitch-you-ate." This old man in his eighty's got up from his chair and was putting on his coat. His wife said, "Where are you going?" He said, "I'm going to the doctor." She said, "Why, are you sick?" "No" he said, "I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra pills." So his wife got up out of her rocker and started putting on her coat and he said, "Where are you going?" She said, "I'm going to the doctor too." He said, "Why?" She said, "If your going to start using that rusty old thing again, I'm going to get a tetanus shot." As the sun rose over Parris Island, the senior drill instructor realized that one of his recruits had gone AWOL, so a search party was dispatched immediately. After a few hours, the recruit was discovered hiding in some bushes nearby. He was sent back to the base and promptly escorted to the drill instructor's office. The instructor asked the young recruit, "Why did you go AWOL?" The recruit replied, "On my first day here, you issued me a comb and then proceeded to cut my hair off. On the second day, you issued me a toothbrush and then sent me to the dentist, who proceeded to pull out my teeth. Finally, on the third day, you issued me a jock strap... and I wasn't about to wait around to find out what would follow that, Sir." A drunk man staggers into a Catholic church and sits down in a confessional box and says nothing. The bewildered priest coughs a few times to attract his attention, but the man still says nothing. The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.
Finally, the drunk replies, "No use knocking man, there`s no paper on this side either"
And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke... The waitress says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize is a free lunch." But the blonde keeps screaming, "I've won a motor home! I've won a motor home!" Finally the manager comes over and says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken. You couldn't possibly have won a motor home because we didn't have that as a prize!"
The blonde says, "No it's not a mistake. I've won a
motor home!" And she
hands the
ticket to the manager
and he reads... |
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