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An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the God-given
responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce children
beyond comparison. With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman. After a diligent, but fruitless, search up and down the east coast, he started to head west. Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them. The farmer simply replied, "They're all lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look them over and select the one you want." The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion. "Well" said the man, " She's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice, but pigeon-toed." The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter. The next day, the farmer again asked how things went. "Well," the man replied, "She's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell, cross-eyed." The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did. The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect! She's the one I want to marry!" So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the parents. "Well," explained the farmer, "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell, pregnant when you met her." 
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| (Sammy) By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where." "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you." "No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it." The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright- eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" Asked the manager. "Never better." The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?" "Nope, I shut him up in no time." Said the Marine. "How'd you manage that?" asked the manager. "He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."
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| (Sammy) You know you're from upstate New York when .... 1. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway. 2. "Vacation" means going to Rochester for the weekend. 3. You measure distance in hours. 4. You know several people who have hit deer more than once. 5. You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day. 6. You use a down comforter in the summer. 7. Your grandparents drive at 65 mph through 13 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching. 8. You see people wearing hunting clothes at social events. 9. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked. 10. You think of the major food groups as deer meat, beer, fish, and wings. 11. You carry jumper cables in your car and your wife knows how to use them. 12. There are 7 empty cars running in the parking lot at the Stewart's store at any given time. 13. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit. 14. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow and you can see the deer coming.... 15. You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and flannel pajamas. 16. You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter, and construction. 17. It takes you 1 hour to go to the store for one item even when you're in a rush. 18. You actually understand these jokes and forward them to all your friends. 19. You know what "Salt Potatoes" are and that they are obtainable all year long from Price Chopper. 20. People actually cheer when it appears that we are about to break the all-time seasonal snowfall record of 192.2.
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| A creature rose up out of the surf and came ashore. Its garments were
made of green sea lettuce. "I am the friendly Witch of the Sand," she
said, "I am only going to sunbathe." The sun was terribly hot. Her skin
began to bake and it turned as red as a ripe tomato! Have you ever seen
.. a baking lettuce and tomato Sand Witch?
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| Troy Dateline, Wednesday Oct. 31, 2001: Irving, Texas
Dallas Cowboys football practice was delayed on Wednesday for nearly two
hours at Valley Ranch (Dallas Cowboys Headquarters). |
| A woman goes into a store and buys a beautiful green and blue parrot.
But the only words the parrot knows how to say are: "Who is it?" She takes the parrot home, but soon realizes that the bird's color clashes with the living room. So she calls an Interior designer, who says he will come by shortly. When the Decorator comes, the woman is out shopping. He knocks on the door, and the parrot says "who is it?" The man says, "It's the decorator." The parrot says "who is it?" The man says "It's the decorator." The parrot says "Who is it?" The man says "It's the decorator!!!" The parrot says "who is it?" The man screams "The decorator!" The decorator gets so mad, that he pops a blood vessel, and dies on the spot. The lady comes home and finds a dead man lying on her front porch. She says, "Oh my gosh...who is it?" The parrot replies, "It's the decorator!" 
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| A young man was smitten by a very lovely young lady. Unfortunately she
did, not return the feeling. In total desperation he went and visited a
group of witches searching for a love potion. They informed him that
they no longer provided such an item because it was unethical to
administer a potion to someone without her permission. However, they did have an alternate solution. They sold him a bottle of small white pellets. He was to bury one in her yard every night at midnight for a month. He returned to the witches six weeks later excited and thankful. He and the young lady were to wed in a month. The witch told him, . . ."Ah, yes....... "Nothin says lovin' like something from a coven. And pills buried say it best."
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| It was Valentines Day and a little old couple in their eighties were
sitting on the couch watching TV. For a lark, the old man switched over
to the Playboy Channel. They watched for a few minutes, then he looked at her and asked, "Do you think we can still do that?" "Well, we can sure try!" she answered. So they shuffled off to the bedroom. He went into the bathroom to get ready and she took off all her clothes in the bedroom. When he came out of the bathroom, he saw her standing on her head in the middle of the bedroom floor. "What are you doing, sweetheart?" he asked. "Well," she replied, "I thought if you couldn't get it up, maybe you could just drop it in!
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| Di A blonde's car breaks down on the Interstate one day. So she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. Out of the trunk jump two men in trench coats who walk to the rear of the vehicle where they stand facing oncoming traffic and begin opening their coats and exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers. Not surprisingly, one of the worst pileups in history of this highway occurs. It's not very long before a police car shows up. The cop, clearly enraged, runs toward the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What the heck is going on here?" My car broke down, says the lady, calmly. "Well, what are these perverts doing here by the road?", asks the cop. And she said...(scroll down) (This is good..) Ready? "Those are my emergency flashers!"
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| A secretary for a foreign embassy was entertaining a wealthy foreign
ambassador during lunch at a very expensive restaurant in uptown New
York. The ambassador was so enthralled by the beauty and presence of this secretary that he asked her to marry him. The secretary was startled, but remembered that her boss told her never to insult foreign dignitaries, so she decided to let him down easy. "I'll only marry you under three conditions." "Anything, anything," said the ambassador. "First, you must buy me a 14-karat gold wedding band with a 72 carat diamond, along with a 28 inch studded matching necklace for our engagement." Without hesitation, the ambassador picked up his cellular phone, called his personal accountant, told him the instructions, and said, "Yes, yes, I buy, I buy!" The secretary thought that her first request was too easy, so she thought of a more difficult situation. "Second, I want you to build me a 58-acre mansion in the richest part of the Poconos along with a 40 acre summer home in the sweetest vineyards of France." The ambassador picked up his phone, called his personal broker in New York, then called another broker in France, and after his quick conversation, he said, "Yes, yes, I build, I build!" The secretary was very startled, and knew she must think of a final request that would be impossible to live up to. "Finally," she said. "I'll only marry you if you have a 10 inch p...s." A sad face befell the ambassador, and he cupped his face in his hands. After weeping in his native language for a few minutes, the ambassador slowly lifted his head and said, "Ok, ok, I cut, I cut!"
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| (Beckie) A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with flyswatter. "What are you doing?" She asked. Hunting Flies" He responded. Killing any?" She asked. Yep, 3 males, 2 Females", he replied Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?" 3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone".
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| (violet) A pregnant woman gets into a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them." The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother -- he's an idiot!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?" "Denise," the doctor says. The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not a bad name! Guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!" Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?" The doctor replies, DeNephew.
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| (Sammy) A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a Genie's lamp. She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a Genie appeared. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. The Genie said, "Nope...due to inflation, constant downsizing, low wages in third-world countries, and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So...what'll it be?" The woman didn't hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other." The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Gadzooks, lady! These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish." "The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and helps with the housecleaning, is good in bed and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time and is faithful. That's what I wish for.. a good mate." The Genie let out a long sigh and said, "Let me see that map again."
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