On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.

Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed his stupid ass against the railing, killing him instantly.



A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but..... Something happened; I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck, and we were unable to find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9,000 in insurance compensation coming to you. We have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did --Better in fact ! - But....-the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $1,000.00 per Inch."

The man perks up at this.

"So," the doctor continues, "it's for you to decide how many inches you want.....But It's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a 5 inch one before, and you decide to go for a 9 incher, she might be a bit anxious and some what put out; but if you had a 9 inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a 5 incher this time, she might be VERY disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision."

The man agrees to talk with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day.

"So," says the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?"

"I have," says the man dejectedly.

"And has she helped you in making the decision?"

"She has," says the man.

"And what is it?" asks the doctor.

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Hilda
A Tuscaloosa farmer got in his pickup and drove to a  neighboring farm and knocked at the farmhouse door.
  A young boy about 9  yrs old opened the door.
  "Is yer Dad home?" the farmer  asked.
  "No sir, he ain't," the boy replied. "He went into  town."
  Well said the farmer, "is yer Mom here?"
  "No sir, she  ain't here neither. She went into town with Dad."
  "How about your  brother, Howard? Is he here?"
  "He went with Mom and Dad."
  The  farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and  mumbling to himself.
  "Is there anything I can do fer ya?" the boy asked  politely. "I knows where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or maybe  I could take a message fer Dad."
  "Well," said the farmer uncomfortably,  "I really wanted to talk to yer Dad.It's about your brother Howard getting my  daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant."
  The boy considered for a moment. "You  would have to talk to Pa about that," he finally conceded.  "If it helps  you any, I know that Pa charges $50 for the bull and $25 for the hog, but I  really don't know how much he gets fer Howard.



A 5th Grader asked her mother the age-old question, 'How did I get here?'
Her mother told her, 'God sent you.'
'Did God send you, too?' asked the child.
'Yes, Dear,' the mother replied.
'What about Grandma and Grandpa?' the child persisted. 
'He sent them also,' the mother said.
'Did he send their parents, too?' asked the child.
'Yes, Dear, He did,' said the mother patiently.
  'So you're telling me that there has been NO sex in this family for 200 years? No wonder everyone around here's so grouchy.'



Carol
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons, nor prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slide from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the horse's side anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap a way from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup; she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.

As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune.....

Frank, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse. And you thought all they did was say hello.



Sammy
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the Contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.

Hellloooo!

  Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!

  Hellloooo?

It's been a year! I told him. There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. He never called back. Guess I won that stupid argument.

I bet he felt like an idiot.



An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach-front villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?" At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him.

"You gonna try again."



A very old man lay dying in his bed. At death's doorway, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookie wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands.

With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven.

There, spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table. The aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.

"Stay out of those,'' she said, ''they're for the funeral.''



THE NATIONAL POETRY CONTEST HAD COME DOWN TO TWO: A YALE GRADUATE AND A REDNECK FROM TENNESEE.  THEY WERE GIVEN A WORD, THEN ALLOWED TWO MINUTES TO STUDY THE WORD AND COME UP WITH A POEM.  THE WORD THEY WERE GIVEN WAS ' TIMBUKTU '.

  FIRST TO RECITE HIS POEM WAS THE YALE GRADUATE.  HE STEPPED TO THE MICROPHONE AND SAID:

  "SLOWLY ACROSS THE DESERT SAND, TREKKED A LONELY CARAVAN. MEN ON CAMELS, TWO BY TWO, DESTINATION: TIMBUKTU ."

  THE CROWD WENT CRAZY!  NO WAY COULD THE REDNECK TOP THAT.

  THE REDNECK CALMLY MADE HIS WAY TO THE MICROPHONE AND RECITED:

  "ME AND TIM, A' HUNTIN' WE WENT.
MET THREE GALS IN A POP-UP TENT.
THEY WAS THREE, AND WE WAS TWO.
SO I BUCKED ONE, AND TIMBUKTU ."

  THE REDNECK WON.



A young boy comes down for breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he has done his chores.

'Not yet,' said the little boy.

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little ticked off so when he feeds the chickens, he kicks a chicken. When he feeds the cows, he kicks a cow. When he feeds the pigs, he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

'How come I don't get any eggs and bacon, and why don't I have any milk in my cereal?' he asks.

'Well,' his mother says, 'I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any pork or bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk.'

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, 'You gonna tell him or should I?'



A senior citizen goes in for his annual physical with his wife tagging along.

  When his doctor enters the examination room he says, 'I will need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample.'

The man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and asks, 'What did he say?'

  The wife yells back to him, 'GIVE HIM YOUR UNDERWEAR!



The 5-year son of a Baptist minister was finally able to attend "Big" church with his whole family and saw for the first time baptism by immersion, and he was totally absorbed by the ceremony. On the way home he asked his preacher Dad what it all meant and why all the people that morning took a "fast bath."

His father, worn out from his long Sunday morning duties, tried his best to explain in a simple way what baptism meant and why someone took a "fast bath" and got completely dipped.

So, of course, that afternoon, the little 5-year old boy proceeded to baptize his three cats - in the bathtub!

The kitten bore it very well, and so did the young cat, but the old family she-cat rebelled. It struggled with him, clawed, and got away. With considerable effort he caught it again and proceeded with the baptism, but the cat acted worse than ever and scratched the young lad. Finally the boy threw the cat on the floor in disgust, and said: "Fine, be a Methodist if you want to!"



Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for Sophie The wonder dog at Wal-Mart and was about to check out, When a woman behind me asked me if I had a dog.

Well. Looking at the bag and realizing that it actually DID say DOG FOOD IN BIG BOLD LETTERS . . . I was a little bit curious . . so

Since I'm retired with little to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog. I was starting the Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I had ended up in the hospital the last time. But since I'd lost 50 pounds, before I awakened in the intensive care ward with Tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms, I had decided to Give it another try.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load Your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry.

The food is nutritionally complete, so I was going to try it again and just be a little more Careful this time. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now listening and enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no; I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's rear-end and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard when he fell.

Wal-Mart has now taken away my shopping privileges.



A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult, four  hour surgical procedure.

A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."  

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.  She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other.  Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,"Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely.......

A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?"



A preacher was making his rounds on a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower.

'How much do you want for the mower?' asked the preacher.A preacher was making his rounds on a bicycle, when he came upon a  little boy trying to sell a lawn mower.

'I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle,' said the  little boy.

After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, Will you take my  bike in trade for it?'

The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and, after riding the  bike around a little while, said, 'Mister, you've got yourself a deal.' 

The preacher took the mower and began to crank it. He pulled on the rope  a few times with no response from the mower.

The preacher called the little boy over and said, 'I can't get this  mower to start.' 

The little boy said, 'That's because you have to cuss at it to get it  started.' 

The preacher said, I can't cuss. It's been so long since I became a Christian that I don't even remember how to cuss.' 

The little boy looked at him happily and said,

'You just keep pulling on  that rope. It'll come back to ya'



One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself,' It's certainly not a ship.' As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft. Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit. Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde! She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him,' Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar?'

'Ten years,' replied the amazed Irishman. With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter.

He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag. 'Faith and begorrah,' said the castaway, 'that is so good! I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be !' 'And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Bushmills Irish Whiskey?' asked the blonde.

Trembling, the castaway replied, 'Ten years.' Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him. He opened the flask and took a long drink. 'Tis nectar of the gods!' shouted the Irishman. ' 'Tis truly fantastic!!!'

At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, 'And how long has it been since you played around?'

With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, 'Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there too...



A group of Kentucky second, third, and fourth graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Churchill Downs, the famous Louisville race track, to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding onto their privates to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, 'You must be in the fourth grade.'

HE REPLIED: 'No, ma'am, I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 7th race today.'



A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette  convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road,  he pushed it to  80 mph, enjoying the  wind blowing through  what little hair he had left.  'Amazing,' he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the  pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the  state trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.  He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120.  Suddenly he  thought, 'What am I doing?  I'm too old for this,' and pulled  over to await the trooper's arrival.

  Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette,  looked at his watch and said, 'Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes.  Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that  I've never heard before, I'll let you go.'

The old gentleman paused. Then said, 'Three years ago, my  wife ran off with  a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were  bringing her back.'

'Have a good day, Sir,' replied the Trooper



Two Mexicans are on one bike along U.S. 52 about 15 miles outside of Lafayette , LA.

  One of the bike's tires goes flat and they start hitching a lift back into town.  A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the Mexicans ask him for a ride.

He tells them he has no room in the Trailer as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls. The Mexicans put it to the driver that if they can manage to fit into the back with their bike, will he take them back into town and he agrees.

  They manage to squeeze themselves and their bike into the back and the driver shuts the doors and gets on his way. By this time he is really late and so puts the hammer down .

  Sure enough a blonde cop pulls him over for speeding. The lady officer asks the driver what he is carrying, to which the driver jokingly replies 'Mexican eggs. The Blonde Lady Cop obviously doesn't believe this so wants to take a look in the trailer. She opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it. She gets on her radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible plus the Swat Team.

  The dispatcher asks what emergency she has that requires so many officers.

  'I've got a Tractor-Trailer stopped with 20,000 Mexican eggs in it. Two have hatched and they've already managed to steal a bicycle.



Two young men were looking at a Sears catalog and admiring the models.

- One says to the other, "Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalog?"

- The second one replies, "Yes, they are very beautiful. And look at the price!"

- The first one says, with wide eyes, "Wow, they aren't very expensive. At this price, I'm buying one."

- The second one smiles and pats him on the back. "Good idea! Order one and if she's as beautiful as she is in the catalog, I will get one too."

- Three weeks later, the young man asks his friend, "Did you ever receive the girl you ordered from the Sears catalog?"

- The second man replies, "No, but it shouldn't be long now. I got her clothes yesterday!"



The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'You Can Be THE Man Of Your House.'

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, 'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of This house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kinds of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?'

The wife replied, 'The friggin' funeral director would be my first guess.'