The clerk sorts through the files and replies--"Oh yes, here it is.

  The job entails you getting women patients ready for the Gynecologist.  You'll have to help them out of their underwear, have them lie down and carefully wash their genital regions.  You'll then apply foam and gently shave off all their pubic hair and then rub in some soothing oils so that they're ready for their examination.  There's an annual salary of $45,000 but you're going to have to go to Oxford, Mississippi."

  "Why?  Is that where the job's located?"

  "No sir.  That's where the end of the line is!"



Bob in Adelaide, Australia
A rare delicacy is Sauteed Sloth. Using the middle toe of the great Australian three-toed sloth, the only edible part of that large, furry, indolent creature, the careful chef debones it, pounds it as with veal, and sautes it briefly over a hot flame with shallots, carrot circles, and just a touch of Tabasco.

Prepared in this fashion, sloth is an excellent main course, not unlike alligator in texture and taste. Many people are under the false impression that sloth does not make a good meal, but this is because they've eaten it improperly prepared. It can ONLY be sauteed, a fact unappreciated in culinary circles.

Too many cooks broil the sloth.



A tough old cowboy from Dillon, Montana, counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on his oatmeal every morning. The grandson did this religiously to the age of 103.

When he died he left 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great grandchildren, 25 great-great grandchildren, and a 15-foot hole where the crematorium used to be.



Shanon
A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well.

"What's the matter?" he asks.

"I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.

"What the hell is anal glaucoma?"

"I can't see my ass coming into work today."



Sammy
Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order.

"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy. "I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy. "I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.

The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner. "I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy. "I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy. "I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert. "I want a banana split," said the first piggy. "I want a cheesecake," said the second piggy. "I want beer, lots and lots of beer," exclaimed the third little piggy.

"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter to the third little piggy,"   But why have you only ordered beer all evening?"

 




    You're gonna LOVE me for this....






The third piggy says -

"Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!



Lee
A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.

  She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.

    The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it.

  He did it and returned to his class.

  Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his weenie hanging out. 'I thought I told you to call your mom!' she said.

  'I did,' he said, 'And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school.'



A Mexican family was considering putting their grandfather in a nursing home.       All the Hispanic facilities were completely full, so they had to put him in an Irish home.  After a few weeks in the Irish facility, they came to visit grandpa.

      ''How do you like it here?'' asks the grandson.

      ''It's wonderful!  Everyone here is so courteous and respectful,' says grandpa.

      ''We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you. You know, since you are a little different from everyone.'

      'Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents,' Abuelo  says with a big smile.  'There's a musician here -- he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'!'

         'There is a judge here -- he's 95 years old.  He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years, and everyone still calls him 'Your Honor.''

      'There's a dentist here -- 90 years old.  He hasn't fixed a tooth for 25 years and everyone still calls him 'Doctor'!'

      'And me -- I haven't had sex for 35 years,  and they still call me 'The F----ing Mexican!''



Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, she can't stand it and takes her Complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks, What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?'

The woman replies, 'It's Keith, the midget.'



Sammy
After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the Obstetrician. 'Doctor,' the man said, 'I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine.'

'Nonsense,' the doctor said. 'Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool.'

'It isn't possible,' the man insisted. 'This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations.'

'Well,' said the doctor, 'let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?'

The man seemed a bit ashamed. 'I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months.'

'Well, there you have it!' The doctor said confidently.

'It's rust.



Glo
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she placed an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks the two of them worked hard and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher&'s widow said"You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town on Saturday night.

He returned around 2:30 am, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off" she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.

"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

"Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the firelight. "Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said: "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired!"



JR
A woman went to the emergency room, where she was seen by a young new doctor. After about 3 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant.
She burst out of the room and ran down the corridor screaming.
An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was; After listening to her story, he calmed her down and sat her in another room.
The doctor marched down the hallway to the first doctor's room, - "What's the hell's wrong with you?" he demanded. "This woman is 63 years old, she has two grown children and several grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant ?!!
The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said:
"Does she still have the hiccups?'



Sammy
A shipwrecked sailor drags himself up the beach from the pounding surf and through bleary salt incrusted eyes looks down at his shredded soaking cloths and they are all dark red. Raising his left arm he squints at the watch, still going despite his ordeal, the time is almost midday but the watch face is dark red and so is his arm and hand. Hearing footsteps, he looks up, all round him, the beach, the rocks, the palm trees and the sky are/is shades of dark red. Lurching towards him is a solitary figure with a dark red face.

He croaks, "Why is everything dark red?"

"Well", replies the castaway "We're marooned."



Sammy
A papa mole, a mama mole and a baby mole all live together in a little mole hole.

One day, papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says, "Yum! I smell maple syrup!"

The mama mole then sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and she says, "Oh Yum! I smell honey!"

Now, the baby mole is trying to poke his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but he can't because papa and mama mole are in the way.

This makes him whine, "Geez, all I can smell is MOLASSES!"



Hilda
There is a very, very tall coconut tree, and there are 4 animals. King Kong, Ape, Orangutan, and Monkey pass by. They have a competition to see who is the fastest to get the bananas. Who do you guess will win?

Your answer will reflect your personality.  Try and answer within 30 seconds.

Got your answer?  Scroll down to see the analysis.

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If your answer is.......
Orangutan = Flippen Stupid
Ape = You fool
Monkey = You are an idiot
King Kong = Insane

WHY???
Coconut trees don't have bananas!
It's obvious you're stressed. If you're at work, go home!!!!!!



Sammy
On their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy nightie and,with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find that her new Catholic husband had settled down on the couch. When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, "It's Lent."

  In tears, she remarked, "Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard! Who did you lend it to, and for how long?



A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the old saying, "You can't take it with you." After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died.

He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillowcases.

He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed.

His plan: When he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven.

Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer's wife, up in the attic cleaning came upon the two forgotten pillowcases stuffed with cash.

"Oh, that old fool," she exclaimed. "I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement."



Hilda
A friend, who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort with his family on the weekends.

    Every Sunday morning he would take his 7-year old granddaughter out for a drive in his Honda Civic auto for some bonding time.

    Just he and his granddaughter.  One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all.

    Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter out.  When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather.

  "Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?"

  "Oh yes, Grampa" the girl replied, "and do you know what?  We didn't see a single dumb bastard or lousy shit head anywhere we went today!" 



Electile Dysfunction: The inability to become aroused over any of the choices for president put forth by either party in the 2008 election year. (Author Unknown)



Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."



Lee
Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"

" No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an uncle Paul."

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, Right now."

Brief Pause.

"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door a nd shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."

"Okay, Daddy, Just a minute."

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it, Daddy ."

"And what happened, honey?" he asked.

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."

Long Pause

Longer Pause

Even Longer Pause

Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool? .......Is this 486-5731?"

"No, I think you have the wrong number......"



Glo
There once was an Indian who had only one testicle, and whose given name was 'Onestone.'

He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!"

The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone."

He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.

Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone."

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!

What is the moral of this story?????

Oh, come on...take a guess!

Think about it...

And the moral is...You can't kill two birds with one stone!!



Shanon
Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. 'If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds.'

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. 'How long will this take?' I asked.

'They will grow larger over a period of years,' my husband replies.

I stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?''

Without missing a beat he says, 'Worked for your butt, didn't it?'

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.

Stupid, stupid man.



The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body.The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "From the tip of my weenie to my testicles."

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider; explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to "drop 'em," which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back.

"Dear Lord!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?"

The old Chief calmly replied, "Vietnam. "



A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"

The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our laws."

The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"

To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich"

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"

The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."

The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"

The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."

The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes.

Finally, the rabbi said, "Beats the shit out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"



A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest Beside her, "Father, may I ask a favour?"

"Of course child What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it Through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you." When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you Have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!"



Two Arabs boarded a flight out of London . One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, a Marine sat down in the aisle seat.

After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I need to get up and get a coke." "Don't get up," said the Marine, "I'm in the aisle seat, I'll get it for you."

As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marines shoe and spat in it.

When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That looks good, I'd really like one, too."

Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marine's other shoe and spat in it.

When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.

As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

"Why does it have to be this way?" he asked. "How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?" THE MARINES ALWAYS WIN!



There were 3 nuns and a mother superior. The mother superior told the nuns they had one last test before they would receive their saint name. The mother superior said the nuns each had to go out and commit a sin so they would not be tempted. Each nun commits her sin and returns to the mother superior. The mother superior asks each nun if they have committed their sin and they reply "Yes."

The first two nuns are crying and the third is wearing a grin. So she asks each nun what their sin was. The first nun says, "I was really terrible; I picked flowers from someone's garden."

The mother superior says, "Go and drink the holy water and your sin will be forgiven." The second nun is still crying and the third is now giggling. So the second nun was asked to confess her sin. She says, "I said a curse word." The mother superior tells her it will be all right after she too goes and drinks the holy water.

The third nun can barely speak she is laughing so hard. Finally, the mother superior asks what her sin was. She calmed herself enough to say, "I pee'd in the holy water."



A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flight's go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passengers. The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?

'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.

'OK,' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff "- grass --   Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?



Chrisy and Barbie, two blonde sisters had promised their uncle, who had been a seafaring gentleman all his life, to bury him at sea when he died.

  Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the two blondes kept their promise. They set off from Clearwater Beach with their uncle all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat.

  After a while Chrisy says, 'Do you think we're out far enough, Barbie?' Barbie slipped over the side and finding the water only knee deep said, 'nope, not yet Chrisy'. So they row a little farther....

  Again Chrisy asks Barbie, 'Do you think we're out far enough now?

  Once again Barbie slips over the side and almost immediately says, 'No, this will never do, the water is only up to my chest.'

  So on they row and row and row, and finally Barbie slips over the side and disappears. Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Chrisy is really getting worried when suddenly Barbie breaks the surface gasping for breath.

  'Well is it deep enough yet, Sis?'

  'Yes, finally. Hand me the shovel.'



A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.

The woman, sort of bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man. "That must be my husband!'

So the guy quickly jumped out of the bed, scared and naked he jumped out the window like a crazy man. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush, then started to run as fast as he could to his car. A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband.!'

The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'

And that folks............is how the fight started