Are you ready to find Jesus?"

"Yes I am" replies the drunk, so the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the river. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus?"

The drunk replies, "No, I haven't." The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again, but for a bit longer this time. He pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus, my brother?"

The drunk again answers, "No, I have not found Jesus."

By this time the preacher is at his wits end so he dunks the drunk in the water again, but this time he holds him down for about 30 seconds. When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him up. The preacher asks the drunk again, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher,











"Are you sure this is where he fell in?"



Bob Hill and his new wife, Betty, were vacationing in Europe -- as it happens, in Transylvania. They were driving a rental car along a  deserted highway. It was late, and raining very hard. Bob could barely see 10 feet in front of the car. Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree!

Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his new wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to carry her to the nearest phone. Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road.

After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from an old, large house. He approaches the door and knocks.

  A minute passes. A small, hunched-back man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife, Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone??"

  "I'm sorry," replies the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor. Come in and I will get him."   Bob brings his wife in. An elegant man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor.  I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had basic medical training."

With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following close behind. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab.   Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries; so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table. After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried.

"Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.   The Hills' deaths upsets Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his pipe organ. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.

Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab, tidying up. As the music fills the lab, his eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty Hill's hand twitch. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise! He is further amazed as Betty sits straight up!

  Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to his master...

I bet you wanna know what Igor said...

  Are you sure you want to know?

Ok, you asked for it!

   (scroll down)

"Master, Master! ... The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"



Darlene
Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?"

She was a little taken aback, but she decided to just tell him the truth. "It's called sexual intercourse, darling."

Little Tony just said, "Oh, OK," and went back outside to play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds.

And Jimmy's Mom wants to talk to you."



Two Cajun fishermen, Boudreaux & Thibodeaux, went deep in the bayous fishing.

  They were gone a couple of months.

  On their return they noticed a Taco Bell had been built while they were away.

  Boudreaux turns to Thibodeaux and says, "Look at dat, we not gone no time and dem Mexicans done come over here and built a telephone company."



Sammy
There were three Eskimos in Alaska, and one time while they were at their local bar, they got to talking about how cold it was outside, and how cold their igloos were. They could agree on everything but whose igloo was the coldest, so they   decided to determine who indeed had the coldest igloo.

They went to the first Eskimo's igloo, where he said "Watch this!" and poured a cup of water into the air. Well, the water froze in mid-air and fell onto the floor solid. "Not bad", said the other Eskimos, but each maintained their igloo was colder still. So they went to the second Eskimo's igloo, and he said "Watch this!" and took a big breath and exhaled, whereupon his breath froze into a big lump and fell to the floor. "Wow, that's colder than mine!" said the first Eskimo. But the third Eskimo exclaimed his was colder still. So they ended up at the third Eskimo's igloo. He said "Watch this!" and went into the bedroom, threw back the thick furs, and retrieved one of several small balls of ice there. He took it, put it in a spoon, and held a match under it.

When it heated up enough, it went "FFFAAAARRRRTTT".



Sammy
A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."

Well, as you can imagine, the lady is furious! She stormed past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."

She was incredibly ticked now.

The next day the same parrot again said to her, "WOW lady, you are still really ugly."

The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird if the manager didn't take care of this problem.

The store manager apologized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again. When the lady walked past the store that day after work, the parrot called to her, "Hey lady."

She paused and said, "Yes?"

The bird squawked, "Oh -- you know, you know!"



Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. But all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic...

And since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday. The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.

The priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested he become a Catholic.

After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass ... And as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born a Baptist and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic."

Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved -- until Friday night arrived and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison again filled the neighborhood.

The priest was called immediately by the neighbors and as he rushed into Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.

There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted, "You wuz born a deer and you wuz raised a deer, but now you'se a catfish!"



A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.

" "I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents."

"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37."

"Wow," exclaimed the young man. "That must have taken YEARS of dedication to get to where you are now!"

"Not, really," replied the old man. "Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."



As with many funerals, it was a cloudy, rainy day.

The deceased was a little old lady who had devoted her entire married life to nagging at her poor husband.

When the graveside service had no more than terminated, there was a tremendous burst of thunder accompanied by a distant lightning bolt and more rumbling thunder.

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, "Well, she's there."



Sammy
During the Middle Ages, there was an old king who ruled a vast kingdom. King Cole was a kind ruler, but he was known for his slightly mad decrees. For example, one year, he decreed that the cabbages tithed to him MUST be diced and covered in mayonnaise!
It was, of course, known as Cole's Law.



"What is that sound?" a woman asked at our nature centre.
"It's the frogs trilling for a mate," Patti, the naturalist, explained.
"We have a pair in the science room. But since they've been together for so long, they no longer sing to each other."

"Yes, I understand," the woman nodded sympathetically. "The trill is gone."



On his first day at the gas station, he watched a co-worker measure the level of gasoline in the underground tanks by lowering a giant measuring stick down into them. "What would happen if I threw a lit match into the hole?" he joked.
"It would go out," the co-worker answered very matter-of-factly.
"Really?" he asked, surprised to hear that. "Is there a safety device that would extinguish it before the fumes are ignited?"
"No," the co-worker replied. "The force from the explosion would blow the match out."



1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's chosen people.

2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.

3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian World.

4. Baptists do not recognize each other at Hooters



Hilda
A helicopter with a pilot and a single passenger was flying around above Seattle when a malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's navigation and communications equipment. Due to the darkness and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to get back to the airport.

    The pilot saw a tall building with lights on and flew toward it, the pilot had the passenger draw a handwritten sign reading "WHERE AM I?" and hold it up for the building's occupants to see.

  People in the building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."

   The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.

  After they were on the ground, the passenger asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position.

  The pilot responded "I knew that had to be the Microsoft support building, they gave me a technically correct but entirely useless answer."



Sammy
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer - you're in the wrong place." So, the engineer reports to the gates of Hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they have air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators. The engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls up Satan and says with a sneer "So how is it going down there in Hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey things are great. We have air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and there is no telling what the engineer is going to come up with next."

"What?? You have an engineer? That's a mistake! He should never have been sent there - send him back up here."

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right, and just where are you going to get a lawyer?"



One Christmas, Phil and Will built a skating rink in the middle of a pasture. A shepherd leading his flock decided to take a shortcut across the rink. The sheep, however, were afraid of the ice and wouldn't cross it. Desperate, the shepherd began tugging them to the other side. "Look at that," remarked Phil to Will. "That guy is trying to pull the wool over our ice!"



A man goes into his dentist's office as something is wrong with his mouth.
After a brief examination he dentist exclaimed, "Holy Smoke!!! That plate I installed in your mouth about six months ago has nearly completely corroded. What on earth have you been eating?"
The man replied, "Well the only thing that I can think of is this... My wife made me some asparagus about four months ago with this stuff on it. Hollandaise Sauce, she called it. And, Doctor, I'm talking delicious. I've never tasted anything like it. And ever since I've been putting it on everything--meat, fish, toast, vegetables, you name it."
The dentist responded, "That's probably it. Hollandaise sauce is made with lemon juice, which is acidic and highly corrosive. I'll have to install a new plate, but this time I'll make it out of chrome."
"Why chrome?" the man asked.
The dentist replied, "Well, everyone knows there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise."



Sammy
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise."

"Yes, Mrs. Kisselman?" the pastor prompted.

"Two months ago," she began in a firm, clear voice as she turned to the packed house, "my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced. She continued, "Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation. They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim. She went on, "Now, Jim is out of the hospital and, the doctors say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

The lady made a slight bow of thanks and headed back for her pew as all the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and asked if anyone else had anything to say.

A man rose and walked slowly to the podium. "I'm Jim and I just want to tell my wife, "again", The word is STERNUM!!!



Yankee from Michigan was hiking through the woods of Georgia when he came upon the tiniest cabin he had ever seen in his life.

Intrigued, he went up and knocked on the door. "Anybody home?" he asked.

"Yep," came a kid's voice through the door.

"Is your father there?" asked the tourist.

"Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma come in," said the kid.

"Well, is your mother there?" persisted the tourist.

"Ma? Nope, she left just afore I got here," said the kid.

"But," protested the Yankee, "are you never together as a family?"

"Sure, but not here," said the kid thru the door. "This is the outhouse."



A Rabbi arrived at a Shul to give a speech.

He sat and waited silently.

The congregation sat patiently waiting for the Rabbi to begin.

The Rabbi continues to sit quietly.

Fed up waiting, the Shamus approaches the Rabbi.

"Rabbi, why are you waiting. Please start your speech.

The Rabbi points to his mouth and whispers to him "I left my false teeth at home"

The Shamus takes the Rabbi's keys and runs to the Rabbi's house, returning shortly with the false teeth.

The Rabbi starts speaking. He talks and talks. It is getting late, everyone wants him to finish. They want to go home, but the Rabbi keeps on talking.

The Shamus approaches the Rabbi and asked politely, "Rabbi, why do you talk so much...?"

The Rabbi answered:...."You brought my wife's teeth"



Hilda
Two business men in NY City are sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store isn't ready -- only a few shelves are set up.  One says to the other, "I bet any minute now some  tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we're selling."

  No sooner are the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious redneck from down South walks to the window, has a peek, and in a Southern drawl asks, "What y'all sellin' here?"

  One of the men replies, "Oh! We're selling assholes here."

  Without skipping a beat, the southerner says, "Well, I see  y'all're doing really good, you only got two left!"



I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline. Was routed to a customer call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.



According to a news report, a certain school in Garden City, MI was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the washroom.

That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. He called all the girls to the washroom and met them there with the maintenance man.

He explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, he asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.



Darlene
"Sherriff's dept!"

"Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?"

"Yes. What can I do for you?"

"I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith....He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there."

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.

Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house. "Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....did the Sheriff come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep!"

"Happy New Year, buddy!"

Shanon
I ended up with an older woman at a club last night. She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old.

In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a hot daughter.

We drank a bit, and a had a bit of a snuggle, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double.

'What's that?' I asked.

'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.

I said, 'No.'

We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was 'my lucky night.'

I went back to her place. We walked in, and she put on the hall light and shouted upstairs....







" Mom...You Still Awake " ?



A man owned a small farm in Wisconsin. The Wisconsin State Wage & Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.

"Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."

"That's the guy I want to talk to - the half-wit," says the agent.

"You're talking to him right now," replied the farmer.