They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.

The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.

The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left, "Would you care to do it again?"

He asks her. "Shall we?"

She eagerly replies, "Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down, and you Crap on its head." ...... AND WHAT WERE YOU THINKING????



Hilda
At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"

  The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

  "Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?"

  The little boy nodded yes.

  "So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a pecker-head. Do you understand all that?

  Again the little boy nodded.

  He continued, "And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach 'a dumb asshole' is it?"

Again the little boy nodded.

"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother.



Sammy
I was just settling in to a barber's chair when I overheard the elderly man next to me say, "I'm not much for pills, but I am taking Gingko-Viagra. I want to remember what sex was like."



Kath
The IRS decides to audit Ralph, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with his attorney.

The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Ralph.  "How about a demonstration?"

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."

Ralph says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."

The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."

Ralph removes hi s glass eye and bites it.

The auditor's jaw drops. Ralph says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."

The auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Ralph's attorney as a witness.  He starts to get nervous.

"Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asks "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Ralph's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.

"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Ralph told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it



Millie
Driving to work, a gentleman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him.

Seconds later, two policemen came by. While one pulled the gentleman over, the second carefully stopped traffic and recovered the box so as to avoid any further mishaps.

When they opened the box, they found it contained large upholstery tacks.

"I'm sorry sir," the first trooper told the driver, "but I'm going to have to write you a ticket."

Amazed, the driver asked, "For what??"

The trooper replied, "Tacks evasion."

Hilda
Down south, Bubba called his attorney and asked, "Is It true theys suin them cigarette companies fer causin People to git cancer ?"

"Yes, Bubba, sure is true," responded the lawyer.

 "And now someone is suin them fast food restaurants Fer makin them fat an cloggin their arteries with all Them burgers an fries, is that true, Mista Lawyer?"

"Sure is, Bubba."

"And that lady sued McDonalds for millions when she Was gave that hot coffee that she ordered?"

"Yep."

"And that football player sued that university when he Gradiated and still couldn't read?"

"That's right," said the lawyer."

"But why are you asking?"

"Well, I was thinkin . . .. What I want to know is, kin I sue Budweiser fer all them ugly women I slept with?



Fay
An old prospector walked his tired old mule into a western town one day. He'd been out in the desert for about six months without a drop of whiskey. He walked up to the first saloon he came to and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.

As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a gunslinger walked out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. The gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey, old man, have you ever danced?" The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance. I just never wanted to." A crowd had gathered by then and the gunslinger said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet.

The old prospector was hopping around and everybody was laughing. When the gunslinger fired his last bullet, he holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old man reached up on the mule, drew his shotgun, and pulled both hammers back, making a double clicking sound.

The gunslinger heard the sound and the crowd got real quiet. Everyone watched as the gunslinger slowly turned around, looking down both barrels of the shotgun. The old man asked, "Did you ever kiss a mule square on the ass?"



Shanon
Gladys Dunn had recently moved into a retirement community in a small town..

One beautiful Sunday morning she walked to church not far from her apartment. She was in awe of the beautiful church, as well as music from the choir. But she wasn't too impressed with the sermon. She thought it was kind of boring, and as she looked around the church, she noticed that many of the parishioners were nodding off.

When the reverend finished, he encouraged his congregation to greet those sitting close by. Gladys turned toward the man sitting on her left. He, too, had fallen asleep and was yawning and stretching trying to wake up. He smiled at her, and Gladys returned the smile.

She politely offered her hand and said, "I'm Gladys Dunn."

"You and me both!" the man replied.



The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal. She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut a steer in pieces, and laid it upon the altar. And then, Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels water and pour it over the altar. He had them do this four times "Now, asked the teacher, "Can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?" A little girl in the back of the room started waving her hand, "I know! Iknow!" she said, "To make the gravy!"

  The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted, "My Mummy looked back once, while she was driving," he announced triumphantly, "and she turned into a telephone pole!"

  A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan, in which a man was beaten, robbed and left for dead. She described the situation in vivid depth all so her students would catch the drama. Then, she asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?" A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up."

 A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of  fishing when he was on the Ark?" "No," replied David. "How could he,with just two worms?"

 A Sunday school teacher said to her children, " We have been learning  how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a higher power. Can anybody tell me what it is?" One child blurted out, "Aces!"

  Nine-year-old Joey, was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday school. "Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then, he radioed headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved." "Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked. "Well, no, Mom. But, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"

A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible; Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the verse. Little Rick was excited about! the task -- but,he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line. On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know."

There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country "Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk. "Only the Ten Commandments," answered the lady. Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about. The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt." Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about. He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."



Shanon
Lena called the airlines information desk and inquired, "How long does it take to fly from Minneapolis to Fargo?"
"Just a minute," said the busy clerk. "Vell, said Lena, "if it has to go dat fast, I tink I'll just take da bus."

Lars asked Ole, "Do ya know da difference between a Norvegian and a canoe?"
"No, I don't," said Ole.
"A canoe will sometimes tip," explained Lars.

Ole is so cheap that after his airplane landed safely he grumbled, "Vell, dere gose five dollars down da drain for dat flight insurance!"

Lars: "Ole, stant in front of my car and tell me if da turn signals are working"
Ole: "Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes, No...."

Ole died. So Lena went to the local paper to put a notice in the obituaries. The gentleman at the counter, after offering his condolences, asked Lena what she would like to say about Ole.
Lena replied, "You yust put 'Ole died.'"
The gentleman, somewhat perplexed, said, "That's it? Just 'Ole died?' Surely, there must be something more you'd like to say about Ole. If it's money you're concerned about, the first five words are free. We must say something more."
So Lena pondered for a few minutes and finally said, "O.K. You put 'Ole died. Boat for sale.'"

Ole and Lars were on their very first train ride. They had brought along bananas for lunch. Just as they began to peel them, the train entered a long, dark tunnel. "Have you eaten your banana yet," Ole asked excitedly?
"No," replied Lars.
"Vell, don't touch it den," Ole exclaimed. "I yust took vun bite and vent blind!"

Ole bought Lena a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, Lars inquired how she was doing with it.
"Oh," said Ole, "I persuaded her to svitch to a clarinet."
"How come," asked Lars?
"Vell," Ole answered, "because vith a clarinet she can't sing."

Ole and Lena went to the Olympics. While sitting on a bench a lady turned to Ole and said, "Are you a pole vaulter?"
Ole said, "No, I'm Norvegian, and my name isn't Valter."

Ole was arrested one night while walking bare naked down the streets of the little town of Minnetonka, Minnesota.
The policeman, who was a good friend of Ole's said, "Where's your clothes? You're naked."
"Yah, I know," said Ole. "You see, I vas over to dat 'playboy' Sven's for his birthday party. Dere vas about 28 of us. Der vas boys and girls."
"Is that right?", his policeman friend asked.
"Yah, Yah, anyvay, dat Sven, he says, 'Everybody get into the bedroom!' So vee all go into the bedroom.... where den he yells, 'Everybody git naked!'
"Vel, vee all got undressed. Den he yells, 'Everybody go to town!'"
"Oh, my!", exclaimed the policeman.
"Yah, Yah. I guess I'm the first one here".

To those in North Dakota, Minnesota, and for that matter the rest of the country, including Canada, I must report the sad news that Ole was shot.
He was up by the Canadian border on his 4-wheeler cutting some trees when some rangers looking for terrorists spotted him.
According to the news reports, the rangers shouted to him over a loudspeaker, "Who are you and what are you doing?"
Ole shouted back, "OLE..... BIN LOGGIN'!"
Ole is survived by his wife Lena and Lena's good friend Lars.



Sammy
This is the story of a woodcarver who lived in a house in a forest with a rabbit and a housemaid. Among the duties of the housemaid was to dress the rabbit each morning as he was unable to dress himself.

One day, after they had had their breakfast and the rabbit was dressed, the rabbit and the woodcarver went out into the forest to find wood that would be suitable for carving.

They soon found what they agreed was a wonderful piece of wood just perfect for a wood sculpture.

Unfortunately, they couldn't agree on what to carve.

The woodcarver wanted to carve a mother sheep feeding her lambs. The rabbit wanted to see the piece become a wooden Dutch shoe. Finally, they agreed to let the housemaid decide, so they went back to the cottage and explained their problem.

The housemaid decided to flip a coin: Heads would mean that the woodcarver would carve the sheep, tails would mean that the shoe would win.

You can imagine the suspense when she flicked up the coin, caught it and peeked.

Wood ewe or wooden shoe? Only the hare dresser knew for sure.



One night a blond nun was praying in her room when God appeared before her.

"My daughter, you have pleased me greatly. Your heart is full of love for your fellow creatures and your actions and prayers are always for the benefit of others. I have come to you, not only to thank and commend you, but to grant you anything you wish," said God.

"Dear Heavenly Father, I am perfectly happy. I am a bride of Christ. I am doing what I love. I lack for nothing material since the Church supports me. I am content in all ways," said the nun.

"There must be something you would have of me," said God.

"Well, there is one thing," she said.

"Just name it," said God.

"It's those blonde jokes. They are so demeaning to blondes everywhere, not just to me. I would like for blonde jokes to stop."

"Consider it done," said God. Blonde jokes shall be stricken from the minds of humans everywhere. But surely there is something that I could do just for you."

"There is one thing. But it's really small, and not worth your time," said the nun.

"Name it. Please," said God.

"It's the M&M's," said the blonde nun. "They're so hard to peel."



At the church's husband marriage seminar, the Priest asked Luigi,  on his upcoming 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Luigi replied to the audience "Well, I've-a tried to treat-a her well, spend-a the money on her, but-a, da best-a is-a dat I took her to Italy for the 20th-a anniversary!"

  The Priest immediately commented, "Luigi, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell the audience what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary..."

    Luigi proudly replied, "I'm-a gonna go and-a get her."



Sammy
An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Monte Casino went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said, "Father . during World War II, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the enemy. So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son! And you have no need to confess that."

"It's worse than that, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors.

"The priest said, "By doing that, you were both in great danger. However, two people under those circumstances can be very tempted to act that way. But if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. BUT I do have one more question."

"And what is that?" asked the priest.

"Should I tell her the war is over?



Hans Jensen was an electrician as was his father Hans before him and his grandfather Hans before them. Since Hans was the third named Hans Jensen, at first the family thought he should be called "Hans the third," but unfortunately many of the local people were from the "Old Country" and mispronounced his name "Hans da T'ird."

And Hans immediately decided that from now on he would be known as the "Little Hans" and his father would be known as "Big Hans."

But soon the jokes about the "Big Hans is on the one and the Little Hans is on the ten" and other timely jokes caused him to reconsider this option.

Since he was of small stature, he finally decided to be called "Mini Hans."

One fine day at the ball park, the grandfather Hans was called upon to replace some of the lights that were burned out, but try as he might he could not remove them. So he called his son Hans to try. He tried and tried, but was also unsuccessful. Finally in desperation they called the grandson Hans. Hans came and with his tiny little hands easily removed and replaced all the burned out bulbs.

Which just goes to show: Mini Hans makes lights work.



shanon
A lonely widow, aged 70, decided that is was time to get married again. She put an ad in the local newspaper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME, AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheel chair. He had no arms or legs.

"You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?" the widow said. "Just look at you! You have no legs!"

The old gentleman smiled, "Therefore, I cannot run around on you!"

"You don't have any arms either!" she snorted.

Again, the old man smiled, "Therefore, I can never beat you!"

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, "Are you still good in bed??"

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, "I rang the door bell, didn't I?"

The wedding is scheduled for Saturday...



Hilda
As a young minister, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a grave-side service for a homeless man, with no family or friends.

   The funeral was to be held at a cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there. As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost; and being a typical man did not stop for directions.   I finally arrived an hour late.

 I saw the backhoe and the crew, who was eating lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in sight.

I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and stepped to the side of the open grave, where I saw the vault lid already in place.  I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long, but this was the proper thing to do.  The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch.   I poured out my heart and soul.

As I preached the workers began to say "Amen," "Praise the Lord," and "Glory"!  I preached, and I preached, like I'd never preached before , from Genesis all the way to Revelations.

I closed the lengthy service with a prayer and walked to my car. As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another, "I ain't never seen anything like that before and  I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."



Sammy
The local grocer put up a sign that read: "Eggplants, 25¢ ea. or three for a dollar."

All day long, customers came in exclaiming, "Don't be ridiculous! I should get four for a dollar!"

Meekly the grocer capitulated and packaged four eggplants.

The tailor next door had been watching these antics and finally asked the grocer, "Aren't you going to fix the mistake on your sign?"

"What mistake?" the grocer asked. "Before I put up that sign no one ever bought more than one eggplant."



Sammy
Two Minnesotans walk into a pet shop near Grand Rapids. They head to the bird section and Sven says to Ole, "Dat's dem." The owner comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yah sure, ve'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Sven. The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Ole and Sven pay for the birds, leave the shop, get into Sven's pick-up and drive to the top of some big cliffs near Grand Rapids Lake. At the cliffs, Sven looks down at the 1000-foot drop and says, "Dis looks like a grand place." He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Ole watches as Sven falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself dead. Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Ole shakes his head and says: "By yumpin' yiminy, dis budgie jumping is yust too dangerous for me."

VAIT! Dere's MORE!

Moments later Knute arrives up at the cliffs. He's been to the pet shop, too, and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other. "Hey, Ole, Vatch dis." Knute says. He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself over the edge of the cliff. Ole watches as half way down, Knute takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Knute continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and kills himself dead. Ole shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either."

BUT VAIT! Dere's MORE, ya, you betcha!

Ole is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Lars appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag, out of which he pulls a chicken. Lars grasps the chicken by the legs, holds it over his head, hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits the bottom and kills himself dead. Once more Ole shakes his head. "First der was Sven with his budgie-jumping, den Knute parrot-shooting, and now deres Lars, hen-gliding."

OK, Dats all now.



Sammy
A little boy went to the store with his grandmother and on the way home, he was looking at the things she had purchased. He found a package of panty hose and began to sound out the words, "Queen Size". The little boy then turned to his grandmother and exclaimed, "Look Grandma, you wear the same size as our bed!"



My granddaughter came to spend a few weeks with me, and I decided to teach her to sew. After I had gone through a lengthy explanation of how to thread the machine, she stepped back, put her hands on her hips, and said in disbelief, "You mean you can do all THAT, but you can't operate my Game Boy?"



Sammy
A little American Indian boy asked his father, the big chief and witch doctor of the tribe,  "Papa, why is it that we have long names, while the white men have shorter names like Bill, Tex, Sam...

       His father replied, "Look, son,our names represent a symbol, a sign, or a poem for our culture not like the white men, who live all together and repeat their names from generation to generation. Also, it is part of our makeup that in spite of everything, we survive. For example, your sister's name is Small Romantic Moon Over The Lake, because on the night she was born, there was a beautiful moon reflected in the lake.

        Then there's your brother, Big White Horse of the Prairies, because he was born on a day that the big white horse who gallops over the prairies of the world appeared near our camp and is a symbol of our capacity to live and the life force of our people.  It's very simple and easy to understand.

     Do you have any other questions, Little Broken Condom Made in China ?



Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.

The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.

The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return. Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love liver and cheese."

"Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever."

She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says "How well can you do?"

"Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever.

"My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence."

She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?"

The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua.

He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says .

(ok this is good)

"Liver alone. Cheese mine."



A local church had a big time TV evangelist come in for revival.  On the Sunday morning at the start of the revival the visiting minister preached hell-fire and brimstone for two hours straight when the sound finally system gave out and went dead.

  ` Concerned that people in the back of the packed sanctuary couldn't hear him the preacher asked, "Can everyone hear me OK without the microphone?"  Someone on the back row raised his hand and said, "I can't hear you back here."

` A lady on the front row, who'd had about all of the sermon she wanted stood up, turned to the guy in the back and said, "I can hear him fine from up here.  Wanna trade places?"