| (Sammy) An Indian walks into a bar. He has a shot gun in one hand and bucket of shit in the other. He says to the bartender, "Me want beer." The bartender says, "Sure chief, coming right up." He gets the Indian a tall draft beer and the Indian drinks it down in one gulp. The Indian picks up the bucket of shit, throws it into the air and blasts it with the shotgun. Then he walks out. Four days later the Indian returns. He has a shot gun in one hand and a bucket of shit in the other. He walks up to the bar and says to the bartender "Me want beer." The bartender says, "Whoa, Tonto, we're still cleaning up from the last time you were in here. What is this all about anyway?"
The Indian says, "Me in training for job as State Employee. Drink beer,
shoot shit, disappear for four days." |
| (Sammy) A mechanic who worked out of his home had a dog named Mace. Mace had a bad habit of eating all the grass in the mechanic's lawn, so the mechanic had to keep Mace inside. The grass eventually became overgrown. One day the mechanic was working on a car in his back yard and dropped his wrench, losing it in the tall grass. He couldn't find it for the life of him so decided to call it a day. That night Mace escaped from the house and ate all the grass in the back yard. The next morning the mechanic went outside and saw his wrench glinting in the sunlight. Realizing what had happened he looked up the heavens and proclaimed, "A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound that saved a wrench for me!" |
| Did you know that 40% of all blonde typists can type 40 words a min. The
rest are all hunt'n'peckers. |
| (Darlene) Osama bin Laden, not feeling well and concerned about his mortality, goes to consult a psychic about the date of his death. Closing her eyes and silently reaching into the realm of the future she finds the answer. "You will die on an American holiday." "Which one?" Osama bin Laden asks nervously.
"It doesn't matter," replied the psychic. "Whenever you die, it will be
an American holiday!" |
| (Sammy) Marvin had always wanted to be a gunfighter. He grew up in the old West. As a child he read everything about gunfighters he could find. His hero was Billy the Kidd. He dreamed of being just like his hero. One day he went to town and bought himself a black hat, some black clothes, a black horse and two pistols. He went home and every day he went out behind his barn, and practiced shooting. After two weeks he was getting to be quite a good shot. He decided it was time to show off. He put on his black clothes and hat, strapped on his guns and rode into town. When he walked into the saloon, standing at the bar he saw Billy the Kidd.
He was so excited! He walked up and said, "Mr. Kidd, I am your biggest
fan. I have always wanted to be just like you." "Look at me. Do I look
like a gunfighter?" Marvin was puzzled. He asked, "Why is that important? What good will rubbing my pistols in lard do?"
Billy replied, "It won't help your shooting at all, but when Wyatt Earp
finishes playing the piano over there he's going to shove both of your
pistols up your butt."
|
| (Sammy) Coming through the door after school one day, Little Johnny hollers out... "Okay everyone in the house, please stand advised that I, Little Johnny Elvis Smith, have on this date made a complete fool of myself in sex-education class by repeating stories concerning storks as told to me by certain parties residing in the house!" |
| (Sammy) Mrs. Bronson's kitty isn't feeling well - a bad case of constipation. She calls the vet, who prescribes her a new kind of laxative. "Give her about six teaspoons of it, and she'll be better in no time." Mrs. Bronson does as she's told and brings the cat in a week later. The vet asks, "How's your calf?" "I don't have a calf. It was my cat who wasn't feeling well." "Oh my God! That laxative was designed for a larger animal! There's no telling how it might affect a smaller animal! How's your cat doing?" "I'm not sure. The last time I saw her, she was heading toward the north end of town with ten other cats. Five were digging, three were covering, and two were scouting for new territory." |
| One day, at the dry-cleaning shop at Charleston Air Force Base's BX, I
overheard a young airman describe in great detail how he wanted his
uniform cleaned and pressed. When he finished, the counter clerk asked,
"Are you getting a special award, or do you have an important military
function to attend?"
"Nothing like that," the airman said. "I'm going home on leave, and my
little brother is taking me to his second-grade class for
show-and-tell." |
| (Sammy) A blonde named Kate is appearing on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire... Regis: "Kate, you've done very well so far - $500,000 and one lifeline left -- phone a friend. The next question will give you the first ever Million dollars if you get it right ... but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000 -- are you ready?"
Kate: "Sure I'll have a go"
Regis: "Yes, who, Kate, do you want to phone?
Kate: "Carol, which of the following birds does not build it's
own nest?
(clapping) |
| (Frances) A salesman is driving toward home in North Liberty when he sees an Indian thumbing for a ride on the side of the road. As the trip had been long and quiet, he stops the car and the Indian gets in. After a bit of small talk, the Indian notices a brown bag on the front seat. "What's in the bag?" asks the Indian. "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my wife", says the salesman. The Indian is silent for a moment then says, "Good trade." |
| (Sammy)Who ever wrote this has hit the nail on the head. Don't believe anything
you hear unless you see it yourself. Subject: warning.... Don't go to the bathroom on October 28th. CIA intelligence reports that a major plot is planned for that day. Anyone who takes a poop on the 28th will be bitten on the butt by an alligator. Reports indicate that organized groups of alligators are planning to rise up into unsuspecting American's toilet bowls and bite them when they are doing their dirty business.
I usually don't send emails like this, but I got this information from a
RELIABLE SOURCE. It came from a friend of a friend whose cousin is
dating this girl whose brother knows this guy whose wife knows this lady
whose
husband buys hotdogs from this guy who knows a shoe shine guy who shines
the shoes of a mailroom worker who has a friend who's drug dealer sells
drugs to another mailroom worker who works in the CIA building. He
apparently overheard two guys talking in the bathroom about alligators
and came to the conclusion that we are going to be attacked.
So it must be true.
Shelly L. Ewton
|
| According to the Knight-Ridder News Service, the inscription on the
metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory
birds, has been changed. The bands used to bear the address of the
Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated: "Wash. Biol. Surv." until the
agency received the following letter from a camper:
"Dear Sirs:
The bands are now marked Fish and Wildlife
Service.
|
|
A man with a bald head and a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween
party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his
leg, so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem.
A few days later he received a parcel with the
following note:
Dear Sir, The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his wooden leg, so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by, and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:
Dear Sir,
Now the man is really upset, as they have gone
from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head, so he
writes the company another nasty letter of complaint. The next day
he gets a small parcel and a note which reads: |
| (TROY) CHICAGO - The war on terrorism took a stange and sad turn Today, as airline officials at Ohare International Airport refused to let a 73 year old grandmother board her plane, as she had in her possesion two, six inch knitting needles. Apparently authorities were worried that she may knit an Afghan. |
| A blonde was driving home after a Redskins game, and got caught in a
really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day
she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde,
so he decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow
into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.
So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started
blowing into her cars tailpipe. Nothing happened. She blew a little
harder, and still nothing happened. Her roommate, another blonde, came
home and said, "What are you doing?" The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. Her roommate rolled her eyes and said, ... "HELLLLO, you need to roll up the windows"! |