200-plus years ago, George Washington said, "Get off your ass, use Your shovel, clear the land, grow plants for camels and it will be the Promised land."

Last week the Congress of the United States said "Is, Amigos, throw Away your shovel, sit on your ass, light your Camels. We're giving You the promised land."



A woman asks her husband, "Would you like some bacon and eggs? A slice of toast and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?" she asks.

He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra,"He says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunchtime she asked if he would like something. "A bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"

He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy porterhouse steak andscrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken?

He declines again. "Naw, still not hungry."

"Well," she says, "would you mind letting me up? I'm starving!!!"



Sammy
An 85-year-old man went to his doctor and asked for a prescription for Viagra.
The doctor was concerned for his health, and performed a complete physical examination to ensure he was not going to endanger his health by engaging in sexual activity.

Satisfied that the old gentleman was healthy enough for sex, the doctor pulled out his prescription pad and pen to write the prescription.

The patient then asked his doctor to write it for a quarter tablet each day.

The doctor replied, "That won't be enough medication to give you the performance you desire."

The old man responded, "You don't understand. I don't want to have sex. I just want enough so that I stop peeing in my shoes."



Kath
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.

The optician showed him a card with the letters:

'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

"Can you read this?" the optician asked.

"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."

Kath
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."

"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."



Sammy
There was once a hat-seller who passed by a forest on his way back from the market.The weather was very hot and so he decided to take a nap under one of the trees, so he left his whole basket of hats by the side.

A few hours later, he woke up by some sounds. The next thing he realized was that all his hats was gone. He heard some monkeys on the tree and so he looked up. To his surprise, the tree was full of monkeys and they had taken all his hats.

The hat-seller sits down and think of how he can get the hats down. He think and think and start scratching his head. The next moment, he realized that the monkeys were doing the same action.Next, he took down his own hat and saw the monkeys do exactly the same. An idea came to him, he took his hat and throw it on the floor and the monkeys do that too. So he finally managed to get all his hats back. If you think you have read this before....., read on!!!

Fifty years later, his grandson, Jack, also became a hat-seller and had heard this monkey story from his grandfather.

One day, just like his grandfather, he passed by the same forest, it was very hot, and he took a nap under the same tree and left the hats on the floor. He woke up and realized that all his hats were gone. He looked up and realized that the monkeys had taken all the hats.He remembered his grand father's words, started scratching his head and the monkeys follows.

He took down his hat and fanned himself and again the monkeys followed. Now, very convinced of his grandfather's idea, JACK threw his hat on the floor but to his surprise, the monkeys still hold on to all the hats.

Then one monkey climbed down the tree, grabbed the hat on the floor, gave him a slap and said "You think only you have a grandfather".



Sammy
The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for.He had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."

Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit, it fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"

Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."

Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?

"Been in the business 60 years."

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"

Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure."

The salesman said, "Let's see... size 36."

Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

New suit - $400

New shirt - $36

New underwear - $6

Second Opinion - PRICELESS

Kath
A woman in our diet club was lamenting that she had gained weight. She'd made her family's favorite cake over the weekend, she reported, and they'd eaten half of it at dinner.

The next day, she said, she kept staring at the other half, until finally she cut a thin slice for herself. One slice led to another, and soon the whole cake was gone.

The woman went on to tell us how upset she was with her lack of willpower, and how she knew her husband would be disappointed.

Everyone commiserated, until someone asked what her husband said when he found out. She smiled. "He never found out. I made another cake and ate half!"



Hilda
There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the "Tickle Me Elmo" toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The "Tickle Me Elmo" factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM. The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.

The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are "Tickle Me Elmos" all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of "Tickle Me Elmos".

She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena.

"I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..."

"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."



GJ
The Pharaoh was dictating, and his scribe was busily chipping away at the stone tablet. "I have plans . . . to form," the monarch said slowly, "a personal bodyguard . . . of stalwart . . .and virile . . . young men."

The chips flew, but then suddenly ceased flying, and the perspiring chiseler looked up inquiringly, "Excuse me, your Majesty, but is virile spelled with one or two testicles?"



Sammy
I have several dogs. I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog(?)

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete, so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned.

I told her no; I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt and a car hit me.

I thought the tall guy was going to need help as he laughingly staggered to the door.



Millie
A noted biologist, who had been studying little green frogs in a swamp, was stumped.

The frog population, despite efforts at predator control, was declining at an alarming rate.

The chemist at a nearby college came up with a solution:

The frogs, due to a chemical change in the swamp water, simply couldn't stay coupled long enough to reproduce successfully.

The chemist then brewed up a new adhesive to assist the frogs' togetherness, which included one part sodium.

It seems the little green frogs needed some monosodium glue- to- mate.



Boudreaux was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows.

"Twenty dollars..."she whispers.

He'd never been with a hooker before, but he decides, what the hell, it's only twenty bucks. So they hide in the bushes. They're going "at it" for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them . . it's a police officer.

"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.

"I'm making love to my wife," Boudreaux answers indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know."

"Well," Boudreaux says, "neither did I, until you shined that light in her face".







Susan Y
A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing, "We missed the "R" ! , we missed the "R" !"

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"

With A choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was... . . . . . CELEBRATE!!!"



Kath
One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles. "Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night." the mailman comments.

Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for Christmas Cheer and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started playing "WHO AM I."

The mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"

"Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our "privates" showing through a hole in The sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."

The mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."

"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up four or five times."



Sammy
A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her Girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy, Middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not Take her eyes off him.

The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked Directly toward her. Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned Over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely ANYTHING, you want me to do for $20.00." The man winked at her. "But, on ONE condition..."

Flabbergasted, the woman asked, " And what might that condition be?" She tapped her cocktail glass with a manicured fingernail.

"You have to tell me what you want me to do in just Three words," the man replied.

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address and phone number. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly and meaningfully said, "Clean my house."



Kath
A man walked into the Women's Department of Macy's in New York City. He told the Sales lady, "I would like a Baptist bra for my wife, size 36B".

With a quizzical look, the saleslady asked, "What kind of bra?"

He repeated, "A Baptist bra. She said to tell you that she wanted a Baptist bra and that you would know what she wanted."

"Ah, now I remember," Said the saleslady, "we don't get as many requests for them as we used to.

Mostly our customers lately want the Catholic bra or the Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian type".

Confused and a little flustered, the man asked, "So what are the differences?"

The lady responded, "Well, it's really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses,

The Salvation Army lifts up the fallen,

The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright."

He mused at that for a moment and then asked, "So, what is the Baptist type for?"

"They", she replied, "make mountains out of molehills".



Kath
Have you ever wandered why bras are lettered A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, H and how the letters are actually used to define bra sizes? Well, if you have ever wondered, but couldn't figure it out, here's the code:

A. Almost Boobs
B. Barely Boobs
C. Can't Complain
D. Dang!
DD. Double Dang!
E. Enormous
F. Fake
G. Get a reduction
H. Help Me, I've fallen and can't get up.....



Kath
Mrs. Johnson decided to have her portrait painted by a famous artist. She told the artist,

"Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets and a ruby pendant."

"But you are not wearing any of those things."

"I know," said Mrs. Johnson.

"My health is not good and my husband is having an affair with his secretary.

When I die I'm sure he will marry her, and I want her to go nuts looking for the jewelry."



Two Norwegian hunters from Minnesota got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They bagged six. As they started loading the plane for the return trip, the pilot said the plane could take only four moose. The two lads objected strongly. "Yah. Last year we shot six and the pilot let us put them all on board and he had the same plane as yours. And dazs the troot."

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six moose were loaded. However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down a few moments after takeoff. Climbing out of the wreck one Norski asked the other, "Any idea where we are?"

"Yaaah, I tink we's pretty close to where we crashed last year. And dazs the troot."



Sammy
A family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a mall for the first time in their lives. The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "Paw, what's at?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen anything like that in my entire life, I ain't got no idea'r what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular number above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24 year-old blonde woman stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Quick, boy! Go fetch yer momma!"



Shanon
A guy walks into a bar, sits down, and says, "Bartender, got any specials today?"

"Yes, as a matter of fact we have a new drink invented by a gynecologist patron of ours.

It's a Pabst Blue Ribbon beer and a double shot of Smirnoff vodka.."

"What the heck do you call it?"

"A Pabst Smir.



Kath
Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.

This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico.

But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York.

The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.

The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss.

Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.

The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as

Sinko de Mayo

Eileen
A New Yorker & An Indian

A New Yorker was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered to give her a ride to a nearby town.

She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a "Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a" so loud it echoed off the surrounding hills.

When they arrived in town, the Indian let her off at the local service station, yelled one final "Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!" and rode off.

A service station attendant asked the woman what she did to get the Indian so excited and she said, "Nothing, I just sat behind him, put my arms around his waist and held onto the saddle horn, so I wouldn't fall off."

"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles."



It had been a horrible week for Henry.

An entomologist (insect scientist) at the local university, he was up for a promotion this year. With the promotion would come tenure. But there was a problem. It was not that he couldn't teach. His Biology 210 classes were always packed, and two years ago he was honored by the undergraduates by being named their favorite teacher.

No, his problem was with his research. He hadn't had a successful research project in several years. The last paper that he'd published was three years ago. In an age of "Publish or Perish," this was not a good situation, particularly for a non-tenured professor.

The week started with a shock. He received notice that his research grants would not be renewed for the coming year. And, if that wasn't enough, the dean called him into his office to tell him his contract would not be renewed unless he had a paper accepted for publication by a major entomology journal before the end of the school year.

Depressed, he left the University as soon as his morning lecture was over so that he could work in his garden. In the past, this had always had been effective in relieving tension. But to his chagrin, he found most of his roses were dying. On closer examination he found they were infested with a parasite.

But what were these insects? They appeared to belong to the order Anopleura. That was strange. Anopleura infected mammals, not plants. He examined them more closely. Small. Wingless. Definitely a species of Pediculosis, but one he had never seen before.

He gathered up several specimens and rushed to his lab, full of new vigor. He examined the insects in detail and rapidly wrote an article describing this new species of insect. The article was immediately accepted by the American Journal of Entomology. His job was saved and he received his most coveted tenure. And, he received a new major grant to study this new species.

I guess you could say he had discovered a new lice on leafs.



Sammy
Mack grew tomatoes for a living. His truck farm was way out yonder past them hills. One day his brother bet him a calf that he wouldn't have the courage to get a complete body cast and have it painted and then use it to fool his wife into thinking he was at home and out in the field when he was actually fishing.

Mack took the bet and proceeded to get the full body cast made and painted to look just like himself and was amazed at the result. Looked just like a farmer. Well, after a few years they decided to pack up and move to the city because farming was not providing for their needs.

Mack was able to move the plaster body without his wife seeing it, but a couple of months later, as she was cleaning the basement, she found it. When Mack came home from work at the grocery she asked him what in the tarnation that thing was?

Mack replied, "That, my dear, is a shell of my farmer self."



Shanon
PENNY WAS A HARD WORKING, CONSCIENTIOUS GIRL, WHO LIVED ON HER OWN. HER DREAM IN LIFE WAS TO GO ON AN OCEAN CRUISE AROUND THE WORLD. SO SHE SCRIMPED, AND SHE SAVED, AND SHE SAVED, AND SHE SCRIMPED UNTIL FINALLY, ONE DAY, SHE HAD ENOUGH MONEY TO GO ON HER OCEAN CRUISE.

SHE BOOKED PASSAGE ON A CRUISE LINER -- FIRST CLASS ALL THE WAY. THE CRUISE STARTED OFF IN A GRANDIOSE SCALE, DANCING AND PARTIES EVERY NIGHT.

BUT PENNY WAS A CAUTIOUS GIRL, SO SHE NEVER DRANK, BUT JUST DANCED THE NIGHT AWAY.

ONE NIGHT, AFTER THEY HAD BEEN AT SEA FOR A WEEK, PENNY WAS WALKING BACK TO HER CABIN, WHEN THE HEEL ON HER LEFT SHOE BROKE THROWING HER OFF BALANCE. IF THAT WASN'T ENOUGH, THE SHIP CHOSE THAT MOMENT TO TILT TO THE LEFT. AS A RESULT, PENNY WAS THROWN OVERBOARD.

A HUE AND A CRY WERE IMMEDIATELY RAISED, AND AFTER ABOUT FIVE MINUTES THEY FOUND PENNY. HAULING HER ABOARD, THE SHIP'S CREW REALIZED THAT IT WAS TOO LATE, POOR PENNY WAS DEAD.

NORMALLY, THEY WOULD HAVE DONE A BURIAL AT SEA, BUT AS I SAID BEFORE, PENNY WAS A VERY CONSCIENTIOUS GIRL, AND HAD WRITTEN A WILL. IN IT, SHE SPECIFIED THAT SHE WISHED FOR HER BODY TO BE CREMATED, AND KEPT IN A JAR ON HER PARENT'S FIREPLACE MANTEL.

HER WISHES WERE FULFILLED, WHICH JUST GOES TO SHOW YOU THAT A PENNY SAVED IS A PENNY URNED.