Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Buford what he had.

Buford said, Shingles. So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Buford to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Buford what he had. Buford said, Shingles. So the nurse gave Buford a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Buford to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and asked Buford what he had. Buford said, Shingles.

The doctor asked, Where?

Buford said, Outside on the truck. Where do you want them



Sammy
Bubba applied for an engineering position at IBM in Raleigh, North Carolina. A Yankee applied for the same job. Both applicants had the same qualifications and at the completion of a skills test, both men had only missed one of the questions.

The manager went to Bubba and said, "Thank you for your interest but we've decided to give the Yankee the job."

Bubba asked, "And why are you giving him the job? We both got nine questions cor rect. This being North Carolina, and me being a Southern boy I should get the job!"

The manager said, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but rather on the one question that you both missed."

Bubba then asked, "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"

The manager replied, "Bubba, its like this, on question #4 the Yankee put down 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.'"



Doctor Bloomfield, who was known for extraordinary treatment of arthritis, had a waiting room full of people when a little old lady, almost bent over in half, shuffled in slowly, leaning on her cane. When her turn came, she went into the doctor's office, and, amazingly, emerged within 5 minutes walking completely erect with her head held high.

A woman in the waiting room who had seen all this rushed up to the little old lady and said, "It's a miracle! You walked in nearly bent in HALF and now you're walking upright! What did the doctor do?"

"Gave me a longer cane."



Shanon
A Mexican from Cheyenne found himself in Denver and decided to approach a prostitute down on Colfax and Speer He asked her, "How much do you sharge for the hour?"

"$100," she replied.

"Do you do Messican-style?" he asked.

Not knowing exactly what this was, she refused.

He tried to sweeten the deal and said, "I'll pay you $300 to do it Messiccan-style."

Again she declined.

Being the persistent type, he laid down a final offer. "I'll give you $500 to go Messican-style with me! What do you say?"

Finally, she agrees, thinking, "Well I've been in the game for over ten years now. I've been there and done that, and had every kind of request from weirdos from all over the world. How kinky could Messican-style be?"

After an hour of every possible way and position, she turned to him and said, "That was fantastic, but I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. Where does the 'Messican-style' come in?"

The Mexican popped a can of beer and replied, "I pay you next Wednesday when I get my check."



Three very old and very bored grandmas were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home.

About then an old man walked by and one of the grandmas said, "Betcha we can guess how old you are."

The old man said, "There ain't no way you can guess how old I am."

One of the grandmas replied, "Sure we can! Just drop your undershorts and we can tell your exact age."

He did.

The grandmas stared at him for a good while and then they all piped up and said, "You're 87 years old!"

The old man was stunned. "Amazing! How did you guess that?"

The grandmas laughed until tears were rolling down their cheeks. Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, all three happily yelled in unison . . . . "You told us yesterday!"



Sammy
Mike goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, he says, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed I think there is somebody under it. I get under the bed and I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, under top. I'm going crazy!! Can you help me?

"Put yourself in my hands for two years, come to me three times a week and I'll cure you," says the shrink.

"OK, but how much do you charge for this?, asks Mike."

"A hundred dollars per visit," says the psychiatrist.

And Mike replies, "I'll think about it."

He never went back. Some time later he met the doctor on the street. "Why didn't you come to see me again?," asks the psychiatrist.

"$100.00 a visit," Mike says. "Why should I want to pay a hundred bucks a visit? My bartender cured me 100% for just ten dollars."

"Is that so! says the shrink. "Just how did he do that?"

And Mike says, "He told me to cut the legs off my bed.



Barbara
A couple made a deal,that who ever died first would come back and inform the other of afterllife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife. After a long life, the husband was the first to go and true to his words he made contact. "Mary-Mary".
"Is that you Fred?"
"Yes,I've come back like we agreed."
"Whats it like?"
"Well. I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and off to the golf course. I have sex. I bath in the sun and then have sex twice. I have lunch,another romp around the golf course,then sex pretty much all afternoon.Golf course again. Then I have sex until late at night.Next day starts all over again.
"Oh Fred, you surely must be in HEAVEN"
"Not exactly. I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Arizona."



Sammy
An elderly, widowed client of an attorney I know became engaged to a widower. On their wedding day, the two came in to have new wills drawn up. At the conclusion of their appointment, the inner-office door opened and I heard the woman say, "I never thought I'd get married again, but it got awfully lonely after my second cat died."



Sammy
Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam.

The last question was:

"Name seven advantages of Mothers Milk." - Worth 70 points or none at all.

One student, who had partied late the night before, was frustrated to think of seven advantages.

He wrote:
1. It is a perfect formula for the child.
2. It provides immunity against several diseases.
3. It is always at the right temperature.
4. It is inexpensive.
5. It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6. It is always available as needed.
And then, the student was stuck.

Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang, indicating the end of the test, he wrote:
7. It comes in such cute containers.

He got an "A"



A man feared his wife was not hearing as well as she used to, and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem. The doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

"Here's what you do," said the doctor. "Stand about 40 feet away from her and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away. Let's see what happens."

In a normal tone he asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?" No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife, and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Again, no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Again, there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"

"Earl, for the 5th time, CHICKEN!"



Kath
Paddy O'Toole, was a big burly Irishman, married to a tiny petite colleen, named Rosie, Paddy liked to visit the local Pub on occasion, and always the next day he would show at the local Doc's office with a black-eye, and bruises, that had to be attended too, but he was always smiling.

After one such visit the Doc says "Hey Paddy, who did this to you, a brawl at the Pub???

"No", replied Paddy) t'was my bride, happens every time I go to get a pint".

The Doc scratched his head, and said "But Paddy, that's abuse..you better put a stop to it."

Paddy grinned and replied "It don't hurt me, and it pleases She."



Sammy
Two 80-year -old guys are driving down the road when they hear the Ex-Lax commercial end with the statement, "It makes you feel young again."
John looks at Sylvester and says, "We need to pull over and get a bottle of that stuff!"
Sylvester agrees and the two old geezers pull over and get a bottle of Ex-Lax.
They both take two tablespoons each and continue to drive.
About one mile later Sylvester asks, "Well John, do you feel young yet?"
"No," replies John.
So they pull over and take four more tablespoons each and continue to drive down the road.
A couple of miles later, Sylvester asks, "John, do you feel younger?"
"No," replies John, "but I sure did a childish thing!"




Sammy
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties, and a spinster. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it.

The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and He could no longer resist.

"Miss Beatrice", he said,"I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.

"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.

Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter?"



I was hospitalized for a few days, and my wife reported that my dog really missed me. "She spends the night at the front door, awaiting your return," she said. "What an example of true love," I replied. "I wonder if you'd be that concerned about me?" "Honey," my wife answered, "if you were gone overnight, and I didn't know where you were, you can be sure I'd be waiting for you at the front door."



A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a new litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, "There were two boy kittens and two girl kittens." "How did you know that?" his mother asked. "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom.



Sammy
There was an attorney who got home late one evening after a very taxing day trying to get a stay of execution for a client, named Wilbur Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the state governor had failed and he was feeling tired and depressed.

As soon as he got through the door his wife started on about, "What time of night do you call this? Where the hell have you been?" and so on. Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a very large whisky and headed off to the bathroom for a long hot soak -- pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks.

While he was in the bath the phone rang, which the wife answered to be told that her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution after all. Realizing what a day he must have had, she relented a little and went upstairs to give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door she was greeted by the sight of her husband's rear view as he bent naked over the bath cleaning the tub.

"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said, at which the attorney whirled round and screamed hysterically, "For crying out loud woman, don't you ever stop?"



I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am.

I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45am.The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare.

As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So , I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in "that area" to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.

I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away.

I was a little surprised when the doctor said, "My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?"

I didn't respond.

After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal ... some shopping, cleaning, cooking, etc. After school when my 6 year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, Mommy, where's my washcloth?" I told her to get another one from the cupboard.

She replied, "No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it.



Shanon
There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby so he went before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.

After six children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary. There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church.

Finally, the preacher got up and spoke to the crowd, "Children are a gift from God," he said.

Silence fell on the congregation.

In the back pew, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."

And the congregation said, "Amen."



Sammy
While watching a football game a couple weeks back, my wife and I were discussing life and death.

I told her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

She promptly got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer.

Some days I hate being married to a smartass.



A high-priced call girl brings a customer to her fancy apartment. He admires the fancy furnishings and the art and asks how she was able to amass such splendor. She replies that those really were her father's, that he was a politician for forty years. He said, "How come you didn't follow in his footsteps instead of choosing this way of life ?" She sighed and said, "Oh, just lucky I guess. Besides, I had my moral standards to uphold.



A woman's husband dies. He had $30,000 to his name. After everything is done at the funeral home and cemetery, she tells her closest friend that there is none of the $30,000 left.
The friend says, "How can that be?
The widow says, "Well, the funeral cost was $6,500. And of course I made donation to the church...that was $500, and I spent another $500 for the wake, food and drinks, you know. The rest went for the memorial stone."
The friend says, "$22,500 for the memorial stone? My God, how big is it?"
The widow says, "Three carats."



GJ
The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8 year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities. He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:

"There's a car being towed from the parking lot", he shouted.

A few moments passed ... "An ambulance just drove by"

A few moments later," Looks like the Anderson 's have company", he called out.

"Matt's riding a new bike....."

A few moments later, 'Looks like the Sanders are moving"

"Jason is on his skate board...."

A few more moments, "The Coopers are having sex!!"

Startled, his Mother and Dad shot up in bed ! Dad cautiously called out, "How do you know they are having sex?"

"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle too."



Sammy
MY THREE-YEAR-OLD daughter, Cicely, and I went shopping with my mother. A rather large woman, Mom sometimes has a tough time finding just the right fit.

When my mother picked out a yellow suit, Cicely went into the dressing room with her. A moment later Mom asked her how she liked the outfit.

My daughter replied, "Oh, Nana, you look so pretty -- just like a big yellow school bus!"

The suit stayed in the dressing room.



A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered.

It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.

When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass."

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."



A young Nun who worked for a local home health care agency was out making her rounds when she ran out of gas.

As luck would have it, there was a gas station just one block away. She walked to the station to borrow a can with enough gas to start the car and drive to the station for a fill up.

The attendant regretfully told her that the only gas can he owned had just been loaned out, but if she would care to wait he was sure it would be back shortly.

Since the nun was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.

After looking through her car for something to carry to the station to fill with gas, she spotted a bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, she carried it to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried it back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into the tank of her car, two men watched her from across the street.

One of them turned to the other and said:

"I know that the Lord turned water into wine, but if that car starts, I'm going to church every Sunday for the rest of my life."



Sammy
The recent hurricanes and gasoline issues are proof of the existence of a new chemical element. A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science.

The new element has been named *Governmentium*. Governmentium (Gv) has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called Morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called Peons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.

A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second to take over four days to complete. Governmentium does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more Morons to become neutrons, forming Isodopes.

This characteristic of Moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever Morons reach a critical concentration! This hypothetical quantity is referred to as Critical Morass.

When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium an element which radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many Morons.