Mustering all her mental abilities she thought for a few minutes. "Surely I'm not the only young, beautiful, blonde woman to have done this." She muttered to herself. "Others must have done the same thing. Maybe if I drive back the way I came, I'll find a gas cap that will fit, or maybe even the one I lost."

Bambi drove back down the street and sure enough, she found a gas cap laying by the side of the road. She tried it on, and it went into place with a satisfying "click".

"WOW, this is SO COOL", Bambi said to no one in particular. "I lost my gas cap, but found one that fits. It's even better than my old one because this one has a BUILT-IN LOCK!"



David
I urgently needed a few days holiday, but because I never had any leave due to me, I knew the Boss would not allow me to take a few days leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "Mad" then he would tell me to take a few days off.

So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing.

I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was "Mad" and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are you doing ?"

I told him I was a light bulb.

He said "You are mad - take a few days off".

I jumped down and walked out of the office.

When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her "...And where are you going?"

She said "I can't work in the dark !!!!"



Sammy
As you know, it is very important for Santa and his reindeer to be very quiet when they deliver presents on Christmas Eve so no one will know they are there.

One Christmas Eve Santa Claus landed on a rooftop and suddenly he heard a very loud, "Snort sniff honk honk snort!" coming from one of his reindeer.

Since he was in the sleigh behind them, he didn't know which one it was. It happened again, only louder this time. "Snort sniff honk honk snort!" Dogs in the neighborhood began to bark. "Shhh!" Santa hissed. "Please be quiet!"

He went to work lifting the sack of toys out of the sleigh when he heard it again, only a lot louder this time. "SNORT SNIFF HONK HONK SNORT!" Lights came on all over the neighborhood and some people even stuck their heads out of their windows.

Santa was horrified. Jumping back into the sleigh, he drove quickly back to the North Pole. He lined up all the reindeer and announced, "We are not going to deliver another present until the reindeer who is making funny noises with his nose steps forward and apologizes!"

None of the reindeer stepped forward.

Santa held up a piece of paper. "I know who it is and I have written your name on this paper.

But I want to give you a chance to do the right thing on your own."

Still none of the reindeer came forward. So Santa did the only thing he could do.

Read off the rude-nosed reindeer...



Sammy
A very frazzled woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.
She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"
The clerk says, "What denomination?"
The woman says,"God help us. Has it come to this? OK, give me 10 Catholic, 4 Presbyterian, 8 Lutheran, 10 Nazarene, 6 Methodist, and 12 Baptist. "



Shanon
A mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole all live in a little mole hole.

One day the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says,"Yum! I smell maple syrup!"

The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says "Yum! I smell honey!"

The baby mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't because the bigger moles are in the way so he says,
"Geez, all I can smell is....


Scroll down.......
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Get ready.....
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Are you sure you're ready?
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You may never forgive me for this one...
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MOLASSES!



Sammy
I was in Gainesville last Saturday and the town was chuckerblock full of people there for the Gators game against their cross state Florida rival.

While I was getting in my car. a little old lady came walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There seemed to be a hole in one of the bags cuz every once in a while you could see a $20 bill come flying out of it onto the pavement.

Noticing this, I flagged down a cop who was going by and he stopped her right by my car door, "Ma'am," he says, " those are $20 bills falling out of your bag darlin"

"Damn!" says the sweet little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if I can still find them. Thanks for the warning!"

"Well, now, not so fast, madam," says the Irish cop. "Just how did you happen to come by all that money?" " Did you steal it?"

"Oh, no", says the little old lady, the picture of innocence, "You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, like today, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!"

"So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say: $20 or off it comes!"

"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"

- "Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay up fast enough"....



Sammy
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: "So I hear you're getting Married?"
"Yep!"
"Do I know her?"
"Nope!"
"This woman, is she good looking?"
"Not really."
"Is she a good cook?"
"Naw, she can't cook very well."
"Does she have lots of money?"
"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
"Well then, is she good in the sack?"
"I have no idea."
"Them why in the world do you want to MARRY her?"
"Because she can still DRIVE!"



GJ
Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally, sick of the stress, he quit his job and bought 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He saw the postman once a week and gotgroceries once a month. Otherwise, it was total peace and quiet.

After about six months of almost total isolation, someone knocked on his door. He opened it and a huge, bearded man was standing there.

"Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas Party Friday night...thought you might like to come. About 5:00."

"Great", says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."

As Lars left, he stopped. "Gotta warn you......be some drinkin'."

"Not a problem" says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em."

Again, the big man started to leave and stopped. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin', too."

"Well, I get along with people; I'll be all right. I'll be there. Thanks again."

"More'n likely be some wild sex, too!"

"Now that's really not a problem," says Tom, warming to the idea. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"

"Don't much matter ..... Just gonna be the two of us.



Sammy
Two elderly women were in a beauty parlor getting their hair done, when in walked a young chick with a low-cut blouse that revealed a beautiful rose tattooed on one boob.

One woman leaned over to the other and said, "Poor thing. She doesn't know it, but in 50 years she'll have a long-stemmed rose in a hanging basket."



Fay
For centuries, Hindu women have worn a spot on their foreheads. We have always naively thought that it had something to do with their religion. The true story has recently been revealed by the Indian Embassy in Washington, D.C.

When one of these women gets married, she brings with her, a dowry. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the spot to see if he has won either a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop or a motel in the United States.
Just thought you would like to know



Sammy
A Florida officer pulls over an eighty-six-year-old woman because her hand signals were confusing.
"First you put your hand up, like you're turning right, then you wave your hand up and down, then you turn left," said the officer.
"I decided not to turn right," she explains.
"Then why the up and down?" asks the officer.
"Officer," she sniffs, "I was ERASING!"



Sammy
At the end of the tax year the Tax Office sent an auditor to check the books of a synagogue. While he was reviewing the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"

"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers where they are re-melted and re-used. Every now and then they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: "What about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers where they are re-processed for animal feed. Every now and then they send us a free box of matzo balls."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster this know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."



Hilda
An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared an office with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients.

As he approached the receptionist desk he noticed that the receptionist was a large, unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler.

He told her his name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES,I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man. He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, "NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS."



After years of raising donkeys, an old farmer discovered that one was unusually intelligent. Remembering stories of horses learning to add and subtract by stomping their hooves, and knowing that this donkey was so much smarter than any horse, he went one step further and taught him to multiply and divide, as well.

The farmer was positive that the public would pay to see this amazing donkey, so he sold his farm and went on the road, renting booths at fairs to show off the animal's mental prowess. Unfortunately, he could never find customers who wanted to see his donkey perform. It seems he learned the hard way that nobody likes a smart ass.



Sammy
A police car pulled up in front of grandma Bessie's house, and grandpa got out. The polite policeman explained that the elderly gentleman said that he was lost in the park and couldn't find his way home. "Morris," said grandma, "You've been going to that park for over 30 years! How come you get lost today?"

Leaning close to grandma, so that the policeman couldn't hear, grandpa whispered, "I wasn't lost. I was just too tired to walk home."



Hilda
An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for Viagra. The pharmacist said, "That's no problem. How many do you want?" The man answered, "Just a few, maybe 4, but cut each one in 4 pieces."

The pharmacist said "That won't do you any good."

The elderly gentleman said "That's all right. I don't need them for sex anymore, as I'm over 80 years old. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes".



Hilda
A patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult, four- hour surgical procedure.

A student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse," he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir, I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she takes a close look and says "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir."

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely...

Are - my - test - results - back?"



Fay
1. Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets.
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.
2. Good: Your wife's not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Ugly: She's a lawyer.
3. Good: Your son is finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the Woman next door.
Ugly: So are you.
4. Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them.
5. Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills.
Ugly: Your 13 year old daughter borrowed them.
6. Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you.
7. Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections.
8. Good: The postman's early.
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying a shotgun.
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas.
9. Good: Your son is dating someone new.
Bad: It's another man.
Ugly: He's your best friend.
10. Good: Your daughter got a new job.
Bad: As a hooker.
Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients.
Way Ugly: She makes more money than you do



Hilda
A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical.
The nurse starts with certain basic items.
"How much do you weigh?" she asks.
"115," she says.
The nurse puts her on the scale.
It turns out her weight is 140.
The nurse asks, "Your height?"
"5 foot 8," she says.
The nurse checks and sees that she only measures 5' 5".
She then takes her blood pressure and tells the woman it is very high.
"Of course it's high!" she screams, "When I came in here I was tall and slender!
Now I'm short and fat!"



Sammy
Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, no bull."



Mary Jane
An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare. With that as his mission, he began searching for the perfect woman. Shortly thereafter, he met a farmer who had three stunningly gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them. The farmer simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want." The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion. "Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice... pigeon-toed." The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter. The next day, the farmer again asked how things went. "Well," the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell... cross-eyed." The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did. The next morning, the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry." So they were wed right away. Months later, the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery, he was horrified; the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents. "Well," explained the farmer, "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell... pregnant when you met her."



Wayne
Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy and beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.

Each priest had a small bell attached to his member and they were told That anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest (Angelo). As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off and fell clattering to the ground.

Embarrassed, Angelo took a few steps forward, and bent over to pick it up.

Then, all the other bells started to ring............



An elderly man walks into a confessional. "I am 92 years old," says the old man. "I have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We all went to a motel together, where I had a great deal of fun with each of them many times."

"Are you sorry for your sins?"

"What sins?"

"What kind of a Catholic are you?" asks the priest.

"I'm not Catholic," explains the old man. "I'm Jewish."

"Why are you telling me all this?" asks the priest, taken aback.

"Well, actually I'm telling everybody I possibly can."



Darlene
The Personnel Manager said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one. Unless you pass it you cannot qualify for this job."

Mujibar said, "I am ready".

The manager said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green."

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister manager, I am ready."

The manager said, "Go ahead."

Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, green, and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"

Mujibar now works as a technician at a call center for computer problems.