"Is there anything else your wife doesn't use anymore?"



Sammy
This is the story of a woodcarver who lived in a house in a forest with a rabbit and a housemaid. Among the duties of the housemaid was to dress the rabbit each morning as he was unable to dress himself. One day, after they had had their breakfast and the rabbit was dressed, the rabbit and the woodcarver went out into the forest to find wood that would be suitable for carving. They soon found what they agreed was a wonderful piece of wood just perfect for a wood sculpture.

Unfortunately, they couldn't agree on what to carve.

The woodcarver wanted to carve a mother sheep feeding her lambs. The rabbit wanted to see the piece become a wooden Dutch shoe. Finally, they agreed to let the housemaid decide, so they went back to the cottage and explained their problem.

The housemaid decided to flip a coin: Heads would mean that the woodcarver would carve the sheep, tails would mean that the shoe would win.
You can imagine the suspense when she flicked up the coin, caught it and peeked. . . .
Wood ewe or wooden shoe? Only the haredresser knew for sure..



PepsiPopr
A new Army Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the Iraqi desert. During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asks the Sergeant why the camel is kept there.

The nervous sergeant said, "Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have 'urges'. That's why we have the camel."

The Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about urges, so the camel can stay."

About a month later, the Captain starts having his own urges. Crazy with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down and has wild, insane sex with the camel.

When he's done, he asks the Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?"

"No, not really, sir ...They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are."



Sammy
The golfing world is celebrating a new invention that promises to revolutionize the sport.
The new device that is receiving so much attention is called the "bee nut". It is a fastening attachment that allows a player to adjust the head on their club to any angle, thus saving the need to carry a bagful of clubs. Thus, for example, a player can use the same club to putt with as they used to get out of the sand trap.
Golf clubs with this modification are selling quickly, and players everywhere are taking golfing picnics. That's how they test-test their new bee-nut putter sand-wedges.



Sammy
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied. "In-laws."



Fay
A little paper bag was feeling unwell, so he took himself off to the doctors.
"Doctor, I don't feel too good," said the little paper bag. "Hmm, you look OK to me," said the Doctor, "but I'll do a blood test and see what that shows, come back and see me in a couple of days." The little paper bag felt no better when he got back for the results. "What's wrong with me?" asked the little paper bag. "I'm afraid you are HIV positive!" said the doctor.
"No, I can't be I'm just a little paper bag!" said the little paper bag. "Have you been having unprotected sex?" asked the doctor.
"NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!" "Well have you been sharing needles with other intravenous drug users?" asked the doctor.
"NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!" "Perhaps you've been abroad recently and required a jab or a blood transfusion?" queried the doctor.
"NO, I don't have a passport - I'm just a little paper bag!" "Well", said the doctor, "are you in a homosexual relationship?"
"NO! I told you I can't do things like that, I'm just little paper bag!" "Then there can be only one explanation." said the doctor. "Your mother must have been a carrier."



Sammy
A couple decide to go for a meal and after some deliberation decide on their local Chinese restaurant. They peruse the menu and finally agree to share the chef's special "Chicken Surprise". The waiter brings over the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to start in on the meal, the lid of the pot rises by a tiny amount and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.
"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband. He hadn't so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and HE sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid again firmly slams back down. Rather perturbed he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.

"Well sir", says the waiter. "What did you order?"

"We both chose the same", replies the husband. "The 'Chicken Surprise' special."

"Oh, I do apologize," says the waiter. "This is MY fault entirely. I seem to have mistakenly brought you the Peeking Duck special!"



Kath
Two Arab terrorists are in a locker room taking a shower after their bomb making class, when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in his butt.

If you do not mind me saying," said the second, "that cork looks very uncomfortable. Why do you not take it out?" I regret I cannot ", lamented the first Arab. "It is permanently stuck in my butt."

"I do not understand," said the other.

The first Arab says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge old man in an American flag attire with a white beard and top hat came boiling out. He said, "I am Uncle Sam, the Genie. I can grant you one wish."

I said, "No shit?"



Sammy
A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes.
He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."
The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack."
"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."
"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."
"Well, then, we need a urine sample."
"I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."
"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."
"I can't do that, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk."




Sammy
Here is a supposedly true story someone found regarding exams at Cambridge University.

It seems that during an examination one day a bright young student popped up and asked the proctor to bring him Cakes and Ale. The following dialog ensued:
Proctor: I beg your pardon?
Student: Sir, I request that you bring me Cakes and Ale.
Proctor: Sorry, no.
Student: Sir, I really must insist. I request and require that you bring me Cakes and Ale.
At this point, the student produced a copy of the four hundred year old Laws of Cambridge, written in Latin and still nominally in effect, and pointed to the section which read (rough translation from the Latin): "Gentlemen sitting examinations may request and require Cakes and Ale". Pepsi and hamburgers were judged the modern equivalent, and the student sat there, writing his examination and happily slurping away.

Three weeks later, after a careful perusal of the old document, the student was fined five pounds for not wearing a sword to the examination.



Sammy
It seems that a young blonde man volunteered for military service during World War II. Despite being blonde, he had such a high aptitude for aviation that he was sent right to Pensecola skipping boot camp. The very first day at Pensecola he solos and is the best flier on the base. All they could do was give him his gold wings and assign him immediately to an aircraft carrier in the Pacific. On his first day aboard he took off and single-handedly shot down 6 Japanese Zeroes. Then climbing up to 20,000 ft. he found 9 more Japanese planes and shot them all down, too. Noting that his fuel was getting low, he descended, circled the carrier and came in for a perfect landing on the deck. He threw back the canopy, climbed out and jogged over to the captain.

Saluting smartly he said, "Well sir, how did I do on my very first day?" The captain replied, "You make one velly impoltant mistake!"



Jesse Jackson is visiting a primary school and he visits one of the classes. They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks the Rev. Jackson if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy." So the illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a "tragedy."

One little boy stands up and offers: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy." "No," says the Great Jesse Jackson, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy." "I'm afraid not," explains the exalted spiritual leader. "That's what we would call a great loss."

The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. Rev. Jackson searches the room "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally at the back of the room a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says: "If a jet carrying the Rev. Jackson were struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy." "Fantastic!" exclaims Jackson. "That's right! And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?" "Well," says the boy, "because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be an accident either."



MJ Russ
Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck. "Huey," was the reply.
"How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey.
"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender.
He turned to the second duck, "Hi, and what's your name?" "Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.
"So how's your day been, Dewey?" he asked. "Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself.
What else could a duck want?"
The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"
"No," said the third duck,.... batting her eyelashes.
"My name is Puddles



Kath
Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived a blind little bunny and a blind little snake. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course,knocked the snake about quite a bit.

"Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, I don't even know what I am."

"It's quite okay," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth. Tell you what, maybe I could kinda slither over you, and figure out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you."

"Oh, that would be wonderful," replied the bunny.

So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose twitches; and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny."

"Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny in obvious excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you with my paw, and help you the same way you've helped me."

So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're scaly and smooth, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls.

I'd say you must be either a politician, an attorney, or possibly someone in upper management."



Sammy
My husband and I took our two-year-old daughter to the home-improvement store. Madison got tired of walking, so my husband let her ride on his shoulders.
As he walked, Madison began pulling his hair. Although he asked her to stop several times, she kept on. Getting annoyed, he scolded, ''Madison! Stop that!''

''But, Daddy,'' she replied, ''I'm just trying to get my gum back.''



The increased use of Viagra by seniors, created the demand for a sexual lubricant to address the special needs of that market. The makers of K-Y were quick to develop one which they marketed as, "OIL OF OLD LAY."



Shanon
Two Jewish men, "Sid" and "Al" were sitting in a Mexican restaurant. Sid asked Al, "Are there any people of our faith born and raised in Mexico?"
Al replied, "I don't know, let's ask our waiter."
When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there any Mexican Jews?" and the waiter said, "I don't know Senor, I'll ask the cooks."
He returned from the kitchen in a few minutes and said "No sir, no Mexican Jews."
Al wasn't really satisfied with that and asked, "Are you absolutely sure?"
The waiter, realizing he was dealing with "Gringos" gave the expected answer, "I will check again, Senor!" and went back into the kitchen.
While the waiter was away, Sid said, "I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews in Mexico. Our people are scattered everywhere."
The waiter returned and said, "Senor, the head cook says "No Mexican Jews!"
"Are you certain?" Al asked once again, "I can't believe there are no Mexican Jews!"
"Senor, I ask EVERYONE," replied the exasperated waiter. "We have orange Jews, prune Jews, tomato Jews and grape Jews, but no one ever hear of Mexican Jews!"