Trying to believe it was a coincidence, the Pastor put the incident behind him.
The next Sunday he preached on giving. Afterwards the choir squirmed as the director led them in the hymn: "Jesus Paid It All"

By this time, the Pastor was losing his temper. Sunday morning attendance swelled as the tension between the two built.
A large crowd showed up the next week to hear his sermon on the sin of gossiping. Would you believe the Choir Director selected: "I Love To Tell The Story"..... There was no turning back.

The following Sunday the Pastor told the congregation that unless something changed he was considering resignation.
The entire church gasped when the choir Director led them in: "Why Not Tonight."

Truthfully, no one was surprised when the Pastor resigned a week later; explaining that Jesus had led him there and Jesus was leading him away.
The Choir Director could not resist: "What A Friend We Have In Jesus."



Kath
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!"

After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.

The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"

"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class.
She called on him and said, "J ohnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"
Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.

"Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him."

Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"



Barbara
Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse,when Meyerwitz loses $500 on a single hand,clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade,the other five continue playing standing up. Baxter looks around and ask "So, who's gonna tell his wife?" They draw straws. William picks the short one.They tell him to be discreet. 'DISCRETION IS MY MIDDLE NAME" He goes over to Meyerwitx apt, and knocks on he door. The wife answers and asks what he wants. Williams said "Your husband just lost $500 playing poker and is afraid to come home" "Tell him to drop dead ! " says his wife. "I'll go tell him " says William.



Sammy
A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an older lady and an older gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world. The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity. He called them into his shop and said, "I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer." He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. They, as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were on their way.
About a month later the little lady came in to his shop. "And how did you like your holiday?" he asked eagerly.
"The flight was exciting and the room was lovely," she said. "I've come to thank you. But, one thing puzzled me. Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?"



Sammy
A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said,
"Wedding Cake."

A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered quite violently once more. Assuming the woman might have a cold, that caused the sneezing, the man was still curious about the shuddering, but went back to his book. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shook even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman, and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped you nose, then shuddered violently. Are you okay?" "Sorry if I disturbed you," the woman replied. "I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze, I have an orgasm." The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I've never heard of that condition before," he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"

"Yes," the woman nodded. " I sniff Pepper."



Sammy
A U.S. Navy cruiser pulled into port in Mississippi for a week's liberty. The first evening, the Captain was more than a little surprised to receive the following letter from the wife of a wealthy plantation owner:

"Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter Melinda's, coming of age party. I would like you to send four well mannered, handsome, unmarried officers. They should arrive at 8 p.m. prepared for an evening of polite southern conversation and dance with lovely young ladies. One last point: No Mexicans. We don't like Mexicans."

Sure enough, at 8 p.m. on Thursday, the lady heard a rap at the door. She opened the door to find, in dress uniform, four exquisitely mannered, smiling black officers. Her jaw hit the floor, but pulling herself together she stammered, "There must be some mistake!"

"On no, madam," said the first officer, "Captain Martinez doesn't make mistakes."



One day Jesus was walking by the pearly gates when St. Peter asked him to watch the gates for a few minutes. Jesus agreed and in a few minutes he saw an old, old man approach. He walked very slowly, had a halting gait, and long white hair and beard.
"How did you spend your life on earth my son?" asked Jesus.
"I was a simple carpenter for sixty years" replied the old man.
"And what do you hope to find here in heaven" asked Jesus.
"I hope to find my son" said the man.
"Well there are millions upon millions of people here, how will you find him?"
"I'll recognize him by the nail holes in his hands and feet," states the old man.
Jesus does a double take, thinks for a moment and says,
"Father???"
The old man looks at Jesus and says, "Pinocchio?"



There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem it was having with one of its multimillion-dollar machines. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine.

"This is where your problem is," he told them. The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again.

A week later the company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges, so the engineer sent them an invoice:

Chalk: $1.
Knowing where to put it: $49,999.




Sammy
A couple I know were discussing their wallpaper, which had just been hung. Don was annoyed at Debby's indifference to what he felt was a poor job. "The problem is that I'm a perfectionist and you're not," he finally said to her. "Exactly!" she replied. "That's why you married me and I married you!"



A little boy runs across this farmer who has a truckload of cow manure. The boy asks him what he is going to do with all that cow poop. The farmer tells the little boy, "I'm taking it home to put on my strawberries."

The little boy looks up at the farmer and says, "I don't know where you come from, but where I come from we put cream and sugar on our strawberries.



A young boy was looking through the family album and asked his mother, "Who's this guy on the beach with you with all the muscles and curly hair?"
"That's your father."
"Then who's that old bald-headed fat man who lives with us now?"



Pepsipopr
Sisters of St Francis A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye.....It reads: