After leading the band for many years, Benny decided he wanted to shave. He asked the elders for their advice. They were shocked. They reminded him of the ancient warning that the leader who shaved would be turned into earthenware.

Benny scoffed at that, and cut his beard. As the final whisker was cut, a huge dust storm came up. When it cleared, there stood a man-sized clay vessel. The elders knew the legend must be true.

"A Benny shaved is a Benny urned."



Two guys trying to get in a quick eighteen holes, but there are two terrible lady golfers in front of them hitting the ball everywhere but where it's supposed to go.

The first guy says, "Why don't you go over and ask if we play through?" The second guy gets about halfway there and comes back. The first guy says, "What's wrong?"

He says, "One of them is my wife, and the other one is my mistress." The first guy says, "That could be a problem. I'll go over." He gets about halfway there and comes back. The second guy says, "What's wrong?" The first guy says, "Small world."



There was a young boy just learning to be an altar boy and he was very nervous. One of the first Sunday's there was a special service and the Priest explained to him that when he said "And the Angels lit the candles" the alter boy was to come out and light the candles. Sunday morning came and the service was going along just fine until it came to the part where the Priest said "and the Angels lit the candles".
Nothing happened. Once again the Priest said "and the Angels lit the candles". Nothing happened.
By now the Priest was getting a little upset, so he intones VERY LOUDLY "AND THE ANGELS LIT THE CANDLES" - which finally got a response. The little alter boy comes running out saying "and the cat peed on the matches."

A man was sitting on a beach. Tragically, through a recent car accident, he had lost both his arms and legs. During the long afternoon, as he remained on the beach, three women separately walked past him. Each felt very sorry for the poor man.
The first woman said "Have you ever had a hug?" The man smiled and said "No" so she gave him a hug and walked on.
The second woman said "Have you ever had a kiss?" The man beamed and said "No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on.
The third woman came to him and said "Have you ever been screwed?" The fellow eyes lit up and said "No".
She said "You will be when the tide comes in."



Bill and Mary were married for 50 years and decided they wanted to renew their vows and planned a second wedding. They were discussing the details with their friends. Mary wasn't going to wear a traditional bridal gown and she started describing the dress she was planning to wear.
One of her friends asked what colour shoes she had to go with the dress. Mary replied, "Silver."
At that point, Bill chimed in, "Yep silver - to match her hair."
Shooting a glaring look at Bill's bald spot, Mary's friend sweetly said, "So Bill, I guess you are going barefoot."



Toward the end of a service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"
80% held up their hands.
The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly Lady.
"Mrs. Jones?"; "Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any." She replied, smiling sweetly.
"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-eight." she replied.
"Oh Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world.
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said: "I outlived the bitches."



A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the other end. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" By now, the entire bar is staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200!"



A rich Texan walked into the offices of the president of a small Texas college and said, "I'd like to donate a million dollars tax free to this institution. But there's a condition. I would like to have an honorary degree."
The president nodded agreeably, "That's not a problem. We can certainly arrange that!"
The rich man said, "An honorary degree for my *horse*."
"For your HORSE?"
"Yep, you betcha. She carried me for many years and I owe her a lot. I'd like her to receive a Tr.D., a Doctor of Transportation."
"But . . . we can't give a degree to a HORSE!"
"Then I'm afraid I'll have to take my million dollars to another educational institution."
"Well, wait a minute," said the president, seeing the million slip through his fingers, "Let me consult with the school's trustees." A hurried trustee meeting was brought to order and the president related the deal and the condition. All of the board reacted with shock and disbelief -- except the oldest trustee. He appeared almost asleep.
One trustee snorted, "We can't give a horse an honorary degree -- no matter HOW much money is involved."
The oldest trustee opened his eyes and said, "Take the money and give the horse the degree."
The president asked, "Don't you think that would be a disgrace to ALL of us?"
"Of course not, " the wise old trustee said. "It would be an honor. It'd be the first time we ever gave a degree to an ENTIRE horse."




Michael the Dragon Master was an official in King Arthur's court. He had a long-standing obsession to nuzzle the beautiful Queen's voluptuous breasts. But he knew the penalty for this would be death.
One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio, who was the King's chief physician. Horatio said, "I can arrange it, but I will need 1,000 gold coins to pay bribes." Michael the Dragon Master readily agreed.

The next day Horatio made up a batch of itching lotion and poured a little of it into the Queens brassiere while she was taking a bath. Soon after she dressed the itching commenced and grew in intensity. Upon being called to the royal chambers, Horatio told the King that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown such a saliva was only to be found in Michael the Dragon Master's mouth.

King Arthur summoned Michael the Dragon Master.

Michael the Dragon Master slipped the antidote to the itching lotion, which Horatio had given him, into his mouth and for the next four hours worked passionately on the Queen's magnificent breasts.

Satisfied, he returned to his chamber and found Horatio demanding payment. However, with his obsession now satisfied, he refused to pay Horatio anything and shooed him away, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King.

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching lotion onto King Arthur's loincloth.

King Arthur summoned Michael the Dragon Master.....
Moral of the story: Pay your bills.



Sammy
Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide. The first old guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The second old guy says, "That's OK, it's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate." The first old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?"
The second old guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big busted, and is wearing short-shorts and a halter top. What does YOUR wife look like?"
"Doesn't matter," said the first old man. "Let's look for yours."



A plane leaves Los Angeles airport under the control of a Jewish captain. His copilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.
Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, "I don't like Chinese."
"No rike Chinese?" asks the copilot, "why not?"
"You people bombed Pearl Harbor, that's why!"
"No, no," the copilot protests, "Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese."
"Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese... doesn't matter, you're all alike!"
There's a few minutes of silence. "No rike Jews!" the copilot suddenly announces.
"Why not?" asks the captain.
"Jews sink Titanic," the copilot responds.
Jews didn't sink the Titanic!" exclaims the captain, "It was an iceberg!"
"Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg, no mattah... all same!"



Mary Jane
These hills are getting steeper as the years go by," one old man complained.
"These fairways seem to be getting longer too," said one of the others.
"The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them too," said the third senior.
After hearing enough from his senior buddies, the oldest and the wisest of the four of them at 87 years old, piped up and said, "Just be thankful we're still on the right side of the grass!"



Mary Jane
A guy walked into his friend's office, he found him sitting at his desk, looking very depressed. "Hey, what's up with you?", he asks.
"Oh, its my wife," replied the man sadly. "She's hired a new secretary for me."
"Well, nothing wrong in that. Is she blonde or brunette?"
"Neither, He's bald."



Mary Jane
A Texas man went to the Catholic church and asked to join. The priest said "OK, but you have to pass a small Bible test first." The question is, "Where was Jesus born?" The man thought a minute and said, "Longview."
The priest said, "Sorry, you can't join our church." So, he went down the road to a Methodist church and asked to join. The preacher said, "We'd love to have you but you have to pass a Bible test first. Where was Jesus born?" The man said quickly, "Tyler."
The preacher said, "No way can you join our church." Sooo... he goes to the Baptist church and asked if he could join. The preacher said, "That's great, we welcome you." The man said, "I don't have to pass a Bible test first?" The preacher said, "No."
The man said, "Can I ask you a question then? Where was Jesus born?" The preacher said, "Palestine." The man mumbled to himself, "I knew it was somewhere in East Texas!"



Pepsipopr
A very genteel Southern lady was driving across the Savannah River Bridge in Augusta, GA one day. As she neared the top of the bridge, she noticed a young man standing near the edge of the bridge fixin' to jump. She stopped her car, rolled down her window and said, "Please ------don't jump, think of your Mother and Father".
He replied, "My Mom and Dad are both dead, I'm gonna jump". She said, "Well, think of your wife and children". He replied, "I'm not married and I don't have any kids".
She said, " Well, then think of Robert E. Lee".

He replied, " Who is Robert E. Lee?"
She replied, "Well just go on and jump, you Yankee "B#@%&** !"



My husband and I heard a man pounding on the door to the hotel room next to ours and shouting, "Honey, open the door! Let me in!" After five minutes of this noise, my husband went out in the hallway and asked, "Is everything okay?" "I locked myself out of the room," the man replied. "I think my wife's in the shower and can't hear me." My husband invited him in to use our telephone to call his wife. The man dialed his room. "It's ringing now," he said. "She'll let me in, and I can leave you folks in peace." Through the wall we could hear the phone ringing next door. After four rings, we heard the man's wife yell, "Honey! Answer the phone!"



Sammy
A General retired after 35 years and realized his life-long dream of buying a bird-hunting estate in South Dakota. He invited an old friend to visit for a week of pheasant-shooting.
The friend was in awe of the General's bird dog, "Sarge". The dog could point, flush and retrieve with the very best, and the friend offered to buy the dog. The General declined, saying that Sarge was the best bird dog he had ever owned and that he wouldn't part with him at any price.
A year later the same friend returned for another week of hunting, and was surprised to find the General breaking in a new dog.
"What happened to ol' "Sarge?" he asked.
"Had to shoot him," grumbled the General. "A friend came to hunt with me and couldn't remember the dog's name. He kept calling him Colonel.
After that, all the dog would do was sit on his ass and bark."







Sammy
A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"
"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."
"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.
"I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."



While making the rounds, a doctor points out an X-ray to a group of medical students. "As you can see," she says, "the patient limps because his left fibula and tibia are radically arched. Now Michael, what would you do in a case like this?"
"Well," ponders the student, "I suppose I'd limp too."



A priest at a parochial school, wanting to point out the proper behavior for church, was trying to elicit from the youngsters rules that their parents might give before taking them to a nice restaurant.
"Don't play with your food," one-second grader cited.
"Don't be loud," said another, and so on.
And what rule do YOUR parents give you before you go out to eat?" the priest inquired of one little boy.
"Order something CHEAP!"



An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move. Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond. Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing. Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse dragged the car out of the ditch.
The motorist was most appreciative but very curious about why the farmer had called his horse by the wrong name three times. The farmer said, "Well, Buddy is blind, you see? And Buddy is REAL smart. By golly, if Buddy thought he was the ONLY horse pullin', he wouldn't even try."