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Sammy A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer. . ." the man said, "I can explain." "Just be QUIET!" snapped the officer. "Or I'm going to let you cool off in jail until the chief gets back." "But officer, you gotta listen. . ." "I said KEEP QUIET! Now you're going to JAIL!" A few hours later, the officer checked up on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back." "Don't count on it," said the man in the cell. "I'm the groom."   Sammy His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning Finnegan. "Did she say anything before she died?" asked the sergeant. "She spoke without interruption for about forty years," said the Irishman. A young gentleman sitting at a bar with his pet pig asks for a couple of drinks. The confused bartender said no animals were allowed at the bar. The man proceeded to say "Ah, but this is a very special pig. Just last week there was a fire in the house andthat pig came charging out of his pen into the house and woke us all up . Then a few days later my son fell into the pool and that pig was grazing out on the lawn,and he came running and jumped into the pool and saved my son. "Well " said the bartender "I guess this pig is very special so I'll get him a drink. By the way I noticed that he is missing one leg, what happened? " "Well said the young man, when you got a pig this good you don't eat him all at once !!!" The Doctor was puzzled "I'm very sorry but I can't diagnose your trouble, Mahoney. I think it must be drink." "Don't worry about it Dr. Kelley, I'll come back when you're sober." "Hey Patrick, do I hear you spitting in the vase on the mantelpiece ?" "No, Nora, but I'm getting closer all the time !" Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink. Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk !! Mike lay dying on his bed when his wife Brigid came in to him and asked if there was anything he wanted. Mike said "Brigid, what is that delicious smell coming from the kitchen?" And Brigid replied "Oh Mike that is a ham I am baking ." Mike thought, and said "Brigid, as my dying wish I would love to have some of that ham you're cooking." Then Brigid said "Oh Mike, I'm saving that for the wake !!" "Did you hear that Flanagan invented an invisible deodorant ?" "No, what good is it ?" "Well if you use, you vanish and no one knows where the smell is coming from !" PepsiPopr The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class "Which human body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" No one answered. Little Mary stood up angry and said, "You should not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!" With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down. Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" Little Mary's mouth fell open; then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she gonna get in big trouble!" The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?" Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye." Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy!" Billy then turned to Mary and continued, "As for you, I have three things to say: 1) you have a dirty mind 2) you didn't read your homework, and 3) one day you're going to be VERY, VERY DISAPPOINTED!" Sammy Ivonne, a blonde, was standing in front of a soda machine saying, "You are a dumb looking button. You don't have much of a future, either. People are going to be punching you all your life. You are a natural loser! Then you are going to be replaced by a much better looking button." I foolishly asked Ivonne why she was talking to the soda machine. Ivonne pointed to the notice stamped on the front of the machine: "Depress button for ice." Sammy The long-married couple had finally retired. The woman had always wanted to learn to play the piano. Now that she had plenty of time on her hands, her husband bought her a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, a friend asked him how the lessons were coming. "Oh, we returned the piano," he said. "I persuaded her to switch to a clarinet instead." "How come?" "Because," he whispered, "she can't sing along with a clarinet." Sammy Mrs. Goldfarb, rather advanced in years, had finally been persuaded to consult a psychiatrist for the first time. the psychiatrist, viewing her ruefully, said, "Mrs. Goldfarb, with your permission I will try an experiment with you. It may serve to advance us more rapidly. I am going to have you lie here on the couch for half an hour, and during that period of time I want you to think of nothing but sex. Do you understand me? Just think of sex. When I come back I will ask you what you have thought and we can proceed from there." In half an hour, he was back. "Well, Mrs. Goldfarb, have you been thinking of sex?" "Yes, doctor," she said. "And what have you been thinking?"
"I've been thinking," she said, "that by me, Sex Fifth Avenue is not as
good as Macy's."
"Very good!" said her Mommy. "Is it because I'm blonde?" the girl asked. "Yes, it's because you're blonde," said the Mommy. The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled. "We were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!" "Very, VERY good!" said her Mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?" she asked. "Yes, it's because you're blonde," the Mother said. The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled. We were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have boobs! Is that because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"No, Honey," sighed Mom. "That's because YOU'RE nineteen."
"Jesus readily agreed and as promised, extolled the virtues of his Finkelstein robe whenever He spoke to the masses.A few months later, while Jesus was again walking through Jerusalem, He happened to walk past Finkelstein's shop and noted a huge line of people waiting for Finkelstein's robes. He pushed his way through the crowd to speak to him and as soon as Finkelstein spotted Him he said: "Jesus,Jesus, look what you've done for my business!""Would you consider a partnership?" "Certainly," replied Jesus, "Jesus & Finkelstein it is." "Oh, no, no," said Finkelstein. "Finkelstein & Jesus; after all, I am the craftsman."The two of them debated this for some time. Their discussion was long and spirited, but ultimately fruitful and they finally came up with a mutually acceptable compromise. A few days later, the new sign went up over Finkelstein's shop. Can you guess what it read??
"So then?" "Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger." Sammy A customer in a restaurant orders a bowl of soup. However, the customer notices that something is wrong. So he calls the waiter over. "Can you please taste the soup? "What's wrong with the soup?" "Just taste it." "Why?" "Just taste it." "Sir, I--" "Just taste it." "Fine, I'll taste the soup. Where's the spoon?" "EXACTLY. BRING ME A DANG SPOON." Sammy The neighbor dropped in on a friend and found her sitting at the kitchen table, staring blankly at a half-empty cup of coffee; her three kids squabbling loudly in the other room. "What's wrong Marge?" she asked. Marge told her that she had "morning sickness." Surprised the neighbor said, "I didn't even know you were pregnant." "I'm not," the harried young woman replied. "I'm just damn sick of mornings!" Sammy [A physician claims these are actual comments from his patients made while he was performing colonoscopies.] 1. "Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before." 2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?" 3. "Can you hear me NOW?" 4. "Oh boy, that was sphincterrific!" 5. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?" 6. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married." 7. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?" 8. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do the Hokey Pokey...." 9. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!" 10. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must acquit!" 11. "Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity." 12. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?" 13. "Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact, up there?" |
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