"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and what I don't need I give to the church."

The pastor replied... "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"

The old lady said.... "Oh, $20,000 a week."

The pastor was amazed... "Your son is very successful, what does he do for a living? "

"He is a veterinarian," she answered.

"That is a very honorable profession," the pastor says."Where does he practice?"

The old lady says proudly....
"Well, he has two cat houses in Las Vegas one in Reno."

Sammy
A farmer goes to the bank to borrow money for a new bull. The loan is made and the banker who lent the money comes by a week later to see how the bull is doing. The farmer complains that the bull just eats grass and won't even look at a cow. The banker suggests that he have a veterinarian take a look at the bull. Next week the banker returns to see if the vet helped.

The farmer looks very pleased. "The bull has serviced ALL of my cows! He even broke through the fence, and serviced all my NEIGHBOR'S cows! Hell, he's serviced just about everything in sight. He's like a machine!"
"WOW," says the banker, "What did the vet do to that bull?"
"Just gave him some pills," replied the farmer.
"What kind of pills?" asked the banker.
"I don't know really know," said the farmer. "But they kind of taste like peppermint ."




Sammy
Some botanists had just returned from an expedition to the South Pacific Islands and was discussing their adventures with their colleagues back at the university where they taught. "What was the most exciting discovery you found there?" asked a fellow professor.

One of them replied, "The people native to this one island had discovered the most amazing cure for constipation. Using only the leafs of the local palm trees they concocted a suppository which quickly cured the ailment." He held up a handful of exotic palm leaves.

Another professor asked while examining the fronds, "A palm leaf suppository - - did it really WORK?"

"Sure!" replied the botanist. "With fronds like these, who needs enemas?"



Sammy
A man was driving down the road. He passed a traffic camera and saw it flash.
Astounded that he had been caught speeding when he was doing the speed limit, he turned around and, going even slower, he passed by the camera.
Again, he saw it flash. He couldn't believe it! So he turned and, going a snail's pace, he passed the camera.
AGAIN, he saw the camera flash. He guessed it must have a fault, and home he went.
Four weeks later he received 3 traffic fines in the mail, all for not wearing a seatbelt.



Lee
Two ninety year old men, Moe and Sam, have been friends all their lives. It seems that Sam is dying of cancer, and Moe comes to visit him every day.

"Sam," says Moe, "You know how we have both loved baseball all our lives, and how we played minor league ball together for so many years. Sam, you have to do me one favor. When you get to Heaven, and I know you will go to Heaven, somehow you've got to let me know if there's baseball in Heaven."

Sam looks up at Moe from his death bed, and says, "Moe, you've been my best friend many years. This favor, if it is at all possible, I'll do for you."

And shortly after that, Sam passes on.

It is midnight a couple of nights later. Moe is sound asleep when he is awakened by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calls out to him, "Moe.... Moe...."

"Who is it?" says Moe sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Moe, it's me, Sam."

"Come on. You're not Sam. Sam just died."

"I'm telling you," insists the voice. "It's me, Sam!"

"Sam? Is that you? Where are you?"

"I'm in heaven," says Sam, "and I've got to tell you, I've got really good news and a little bad news."

"So, tell me the good news first," says Moe.

"The good news," says Sam "is that there is baseball in heaven. Better yet, all our old buddies who've gone before us are there. Better yet, we're all young men again. Better yet, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play baseball all we want, and we never get tired!"

"Really?" says Moe, "That is fantastic, wonderful beyond my wildest dreams! But, what's the bad news?"

"You're pitching next Tuesday"



Sammy
A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.
"What was that for?" he asked.
"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Laura Lou written on it," she replied.
"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explained.
"Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good explanation.
Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold.
When he came to, he asked, "What the heck was that for?"
She replied, "Your horse called."




Carol
A single guy decides life would be more fun if he had a pet. He went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede (a 100-legged bug), which came in a little white box to use for its house. He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him. He asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to church with me today? We will have a good time." But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, so he waited a few and then asked him again, "How about going to church with me and receive blessings?" But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. He waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time. This time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to church with me and learn about the Lord??'
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"Now," said the teacher, "can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?"

A little girl in the back of the room started waving her hand, "I know, I know," she said. "To make the gravy!"



Sammy
An octogenarian who was an avid golfer moved to a new town and joined the local Country Club. He went to the Club for the first time to play, but was told that there wasn't anybody he could play with because they were already out on the course. He repeated several times that he really wanted to play today.

Finally, the assistant Pro said he would play with him and asked him how many strokes he wanted for a bet. The 80 year old said, "I really don't need any strokes as I have been playing quite well. The only real problem I have, is getting out of sand traps."

And he did play well. Coming to the par four 18th, they were all even. The Pro had a nice drive and was able to get on the green and two-putt for a par. The old man had a nice drive, but his approach shot landed in a sand trap next to the green. Playing from the bunker he hit a high ball, which landed on the green and rolled into the cup. Birdie, match and all the money!

The Pro walked over to the sand trap where his opponent was still standing in the trap. He said: "nice shot, but I thought you said you have a problem getting out of sand traps?"

Replied the octogenarian "I do, would you please give me a hand."

Sammy
A man sought medical aid because he had popped eyes and a ringing in the ears. A doctor looked him over and suggested removal of his tonsils. The operation resulted in no improvement, so the patient consulted another doctor, who suggested removal of his teeth. The teeth were extracted but still the man's eye popped and the ringing in his ears continued. A third doctor told him bluntly, "You've got six months to live."

The doomed man decided he'd have some fun while he still could. So he bought a flashy car, hired a chauffeur, and had the best tailor in town make him 30 suits. The he decided that even his shirts would be made to order. "Okay," said the shirt maker, "let's get your measurements. Hmm, 34 sleeve, 16 collar --"

"Fifteen," the man said. "I've always worn a 15 collar."

"Sixteen collar," the shirt maker repeated, measuring again. "You keep on wearing a 15-inch collar and first thing you know your eyes will pop and you'll have ringing in your ears."



Sammy
Don't call that schlub a "fatty," for it's simply not allowed; He's now "physic'lly expansive" or "nutritionally endowed;"

That clod repeating seventh grade? He's not a knucklehead; "Scholastic'lly persistent" is the phrase to use instead;

Don't talk of "dwarfs" or "midgets" both are terms you should revise; Today, they're known as "persons of a non-excessive size;"

You'll find you're not offending any group or race or sect As long as what you're saying is Politic'lly Correct.

Our nation has no "Indians" in case you haven't heard, "Indigenous Americans" is now the term preferred;

Don't call that drifter "homeless" that's the no-no of the year; He's a "worker in transition" or "an urban pioneer."

Don't call that guy in women's clothes a weirdo or a freak; He's "a fashion nonconformist with a lifestyle that's unique."

No lack of sensivity will anyone detect As long as ev'ry comment is Politic'lly Correct.

To psychopathic killers, nicer labels we're now giving; They're "gentlemen who specialize in terminating living;"

Don't call that creep a "rapist", he might think you were unkind; He's "a sexual crusader" who's "assertively inclined;"

As for all those scuzzy pushers hooking kids throughout the land, They're now "inner city merchants with a product in demand;"

So make certain that you're careful with the words that you select; And we guarantee you'll always be Politic'lly Correct.

Sammy

While my son Cliff was on board the Navy carrier USS GEORGE WASHINGTON, the air wing was busy with training missions. After talking to a pilot, one air-traffic controller accidentally left his microphone on and remarked to a nearby buddy, "That guy sounded just like Elmer Fudd." The airwaves got strangely quiet as everyone listened, realizing that the pilot had also heard the comment. After about ten seconds, the pilot broke the silence by announcing,

"Be vewy, vewy quiet. We are hunting submawenes."



Lee
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party.

As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!

Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick!: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight.
I love you, darling!
Love, Jillian

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His oldest son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... what happened last night?" "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

Confused he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!"

Broken Coffee Table $39.99

Hot Breakfast $4.20

Two Aspirins .38

Saying the right thing, at the right time...Priceless!



A Sunday school teacher was teaching her class about the difference between right and wrong. "All right children, let's take another example," she said. "If I were to get into a man's pocket and take his billfold with all his money, what would I be?" Little Johnny raises his hand, and with a confident smile he blurts out, "You'd be his wife!"



Sammy
Johnny was working at the fish plant in Carbonear when he accidentally cut off all ten of his fingers. He went to the emergency room in St. John's and when he got there the doctor looked at Johnny and said "Let's have da fingers and I'll see what I can do." Johnny said, "I haven't got da fingers." "What do you mean, you haven't got da fingers? Lord t'undrin Jesus it's 2005! We's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put dem back on and made you like new! Why didn't you bring da fingers?" Johnny says ... "How da heck was I suppose to pick dem up??



Sammy
An old G.P. and his nurse were on the train, going to a Medical Conference. Opposite them was a man furiously scratching his elbow. "I wonder what's the matter with him?" asked the nurse. "He's a patient of mine and, in confidence, I can tell you that he suffers badly from hemorrhoids," replied the G.P. "Well, why he's scratching his elbow?" asked the puzzled nurse. "Oh, he's a politician, and he doesn't know his arse from his elbow."