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(+Sammy...R) I see where K Mart is reintroducing their blue light special promotion program. Frankly, I could care less. I'm not the type to go running toward flashing lights in the bedding aisle. In fact I don't shop much in K Mart anymore because of a purchase I made there not long ago. I was in the K Mart one day drooling over the Martha Stewart kitchenware. Maybe drooling is too strong a word because I'm really disappointed in Martha's obsession with the color green, but that's another story. As I was leaving I passed by a clearance table and heard a voice. "Buy me," said the voice. I looked around and didn't see anyone. I glanced down at the clearance table and my eyes were caught by a pair of boxer shorts. They were a nice shade of blue and had pictures of horses on them. "Yeah, ME!" said the small voice. I backed up a step. "Come on. You can always use another pair of shorts," urged the voice. "I'm just your size and look how cheap I am." I glanced around before approaching the table again. I thought I saw a security guard eyeing me suspiciously. The voice was right. The shorts were just my size, even allowing for the fact that K Mart stuff tends to run small. I held them up to my waist to make sure and a woman with a mustache walking by gave me a toothless grin. "Looks good," she said and winked. I blushed. They were only two dollars so, in the end (no pun intended), I bought them. "Blue boxer shorts with pictures of horses on them?" my wife Susan asked. "You don't even wear boxers." I nodded. "They were real cheap," I told her. And they could talk, which I didn't say. At that point I realized why they might be called unmentionables. I wore my new boxers the next day. "Pull your zipper down a bit," they said. "We can't see anything." They squiggled around under my trousers. "I can't do that," I said. "I'll have to put up with people telling me my barn door is open and the horse might get out." Well, that just made them laugh. "Be a sport," they said. "We've either been cooped up in a box or shuffled around on a table since we got here from China," they said. "Pull down the zipper so we can see where we're going." I refused. They bunched up, which wasn't comfortable at all. "Stop it!" I yelled. "You okay, Boss?" one of my guys asked, walking by as I did a bit of a Irish jig. "I'm FINE!" I yelped as the shorts twisted some more. "Free the blue boxers. Free the blue boxers," my shorts chanted." Just wait 'til I get you home," I threatened as I glared down at my middle. Another one of my guys walked by at that point and gave me a strange look. Well, that was just too much. I decided to go in the bathroom and take them off. They must have realized my intent, because halfway across the office they started tugging themselves down, which pulled my pants down too. I must have looked liked Jerry Lewis in one of his old movies as I went spastic. My legs crossed, my knees bent at odd angles, and I grabbed at my waistband trying to keep my pants up. Strange sounds issued from my mouth as my face contorted with effort. The shorts tugged. I pulled. I managed to stumble, stagger, and fall into the bathroom. It took awhile, but I managed to get the shorts off, stuffing them into my pocket as I pulled my pants back on, all the time yelling at the new shorts to behave. I felt strange. I had never before worn pants without underwear. Feeling horribly self-conscious, I wondered if people would notice that I wasn't wearing any underwear. Finally, I stepped out of the bathroom. One of the girls looked at me. "Are you alright?" she asked. "Why do you ask," I said. Well, I hung up the underwear on a line in my garage so they could watch the world go by when the door was open. They seem happy enough, but I sure do have curious neighbors. They keep asking my wife who I'm talking to when I stand in the middle of my garage. And that's why I don't shop at K Mart anymore. (nonebetter) A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now." He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so." "Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right." To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so." "Fine," she says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break." "I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps," he says. "Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!" So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. "Honey, how'd this all get fixed?" She said, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either have sex with him or bake him a cake." He said, "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?" She replied, "Hellooooo... Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?" (+Sammy....) An American Dream ! ! Three guys, a Canadian, Osama Bin Ladin and Uncle Sam are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give each of you each one wish, that's three wishes total," says the Genie. The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada." With a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming. Osama Bin Ladin was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, so that no infidels and Jews can come into our precious state." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' there was a huge wall around Afganistan. "Uncle Sam" a civil engineer, asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out---virtually impenetrable." "UncleSam" says, My Wish. . . . . "Fill it with water." (+Sammy....) Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back - wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers." "Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly...Twenty two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, NOT the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. "But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask...Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem AWFULLY shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time." the officer asks. "Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119." (nonebetter) Elderly spinster called the lawyer's office and told the receptionist she wanted to see the lawyer about having a will prepared. The receptionist suggested they set up an appointment for a convenient time for the spinster to come into the office. The woman replied, "You must understand, I've lived alone all my life, I rarely see anyone, and I don't like to go out. Would it be possible for the lawyer to come to my house?" The receptionist checked with the attorney who agreed and he went to the spinster's home for the meeting to discuss her estate and the will. The lawyer's first question was, "Would you please tell me what you have in assets and how you'd like them to be distributed under your will?" She replied, "Besides the furniture and accessories you see here, I have $40,000 in my savings account at the bank." "Tell me," the lawyer asked, "how would you like the $40,000 to be distributed?" The spinster said, "Well, as I've told you, I've lived a reclusive life, people have hardly ever noticed me, so I'd like them to notice when I pass on. I'd like to provide $35,000 for my funeral." The lawyer remarked, "Well, for $35,000 you will be able to have a funeral that will certainly be noticed and will leave a lasting impression on anyone who may not have taken much note of you! But tell me," he continued, "what would you like to do with the remaining $5,000?" The spinster replied, "As you know, I've never married, I've lived alone almost my entire life, and in fact I've never slept with a man. Before I die, I'd like you to use the $5,000 to arrange for a man to sleep with me." "This is a very unusual request," the lawyer said, adding, "but I'll see what I can do to arrange it and get back to you." That evening, the lawyer was at home telling his wife about the eccentric spinster and her weird request. After thinking about how much she could do around the house with $5,000, and with a bit of coaxing, she got her husband to agree to provide the service himself. She said, "I'll drive you over tomorrow morning, and wait in the car until you're finished." The next morning, she drove him to the spinster's house and waited while he went into the house. She waited for over an hour, but her husband didn't come out. So she blew the car horn. Shortly, the upstairs bedroom window opened, the lawyer stuck his head out and yelled, "Pick me up tomorrow! She's going to let the County bury her!" (+Sammy....) Anni goes into a butcher shop and is carefully looking over the well stocked & iced selections. She stops at the whole chicken section and selects a plump, plucked hen by its wing. She carefully sniffs the bird first under one wing and then the next. Grabbing one of the birds legs in one hand and the other leg in her other hand she takes a big sniff of the cavity. "Butcher" Anni calls out, "this bird stinks." Wiping his hands on a towel, the butcher replies, "Lady, could you pass a test like that?" (+Sammy....) Jimmie, an 80-year-old gentleman, retired to Florida after his wife of 58 years had passed away. He was quite alone in the world and longed for companionship. One day, as he was walking through a public park, he spied what he considered to be a very pretty silver-haired lady sitting alone on a park bench. Getting his nerve up, he approached the lady and asked graciously, "Pardon me, ma'am, but may I sit here with you." The silver-haired Marcia looked up to see a distinguished looking white-haired gentleman and replied, "Why certainly," and scooted over gently to give him room to sit down. For the next two hours the two sat and talked about everything. They discovered that they came from the same part of the country, liked the same big band music, voted for the same presidential candidates, had long happy marriages and lost their spouses in the last year, and in general agreed about almost everything. Finally, the old gentleman cleared his throat and asked sheepishly, "Ma' am, may I ask you two questions?" With great anticipation Marcia replied, "Why certainly!" The old gentleman removed a handkerchief from his coat pocket and spread it out on the ground before her. He very gingerly got down on one knee and looked her softly in the eyes. "Marcia, I know we've only known each other for a couple of hours, but we have so much in common. I feel I have known you all my life. Will you marry me and be my wife?" Marcia grabbed at Jimmie's hands and said, "Why, yes, I will marry you! You have made me so very happy!" She reached over and kissed him gently on the cheek. Then Marcia said, "You said you had two questions to ask me. What is the second question?" Jimmie scratched his neck and said, "Will you help me get up?" Did you hear the one about the man who opened a dry-cleaning business next door to the convent? He knocked on the door and asked the Mother Superior if she had any dirty habits. (+Sammy....) A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?" "I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill." The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared a batch of bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer. |