One day, while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Ralph out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph, the patient you saved, hanged himself right after you saved him with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"



Sammy
A senior couple pulls up to a gas station:
Attendant: How may I help you?
Old Man: Please fill it up.
Old Lady: What did he say?
Old Man [yelling]: He asked what we wanted and I told him to fill it up.
Attendant: So, where are you heading?
Old Man: To Chicago to see our grandchildren.
Old Lady: What did he say?
Old Man [yelling]: He asked where we're going. I told him we're going to see the grandkids.
Attendant: It sure is a nice day for a drive.
Old Man: Yes, it's been quite pleasant.
Old Lady: What did he say?
Old Man: He said it's good weather.
Attendant: Where are you coming from?
Old Man: We started our trip from Pittsburgh.
Old Lady: What did he say?
Old Man: He asked where we're from, and I said Pittsburgh.
Attendant: I dated a girl from Pittsburgh once. She wouldn't shut up and was a pain in the butt.
Old Lady: What did he say?
Old Man: He says he knows you.




Eileen
An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough." "Pop, what are you talking about," the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick and tired of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her." And he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like Heck they're getting a divorce," she shouts. "I'll take care of this." She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" And she hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Hooray!!! they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way.!"



Eileen
A granddaughter went to spend a few weeks with her grannie, and the grannie decided to teach her to sew.
After she had gone through a lengthy explanation of how to thread the machine, the little girl stepped back, put her hands on her hips, and she said in disbelief, "You mean you can do all that, but you can't operate my Game Boy?"



Lee
An expectant father did not want his coworkers to know that he had a girlfriend, much less that she was pregnant with his son. Though he accompanied her to the hospital, he had to report to work while she was still in labor. As he left, he asked the labor and delivery nurse to call his office and let him know by using a secret code. " When my son comes, do not call up the office and say that I have become a father of a boy, otherwise everyone will know. Just tell the receptionist that the clock has arrived and I will know that my son has been born." The child arrived but it was a girl. The labor and delivery nurse thought , if I tell his office that the clock did not arrive, he'll think that something has happened to the baby and he'll be terribly upset and worried.

So she sent the message: " the clock has arrived, but the pendulum is missing."



Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out...."Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!" Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse." Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it." So......Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse! " Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!" Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!" Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix." So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!" Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!" Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!" To which Ma replies, "Hurt's, don't it ?!"



Sammy
A Texan went up to the airline check-in counter and boomed, "howdy, ma'am. My name's Brown, spelled B-R-O-W-N. Ah'm from Dallas, Texas. Ah'm 6-foot 3-inches tall. Ah'm white from th' top of mah head to th' tip of mah toes, and I hate the Irish."

Well, she didn't know what else to do, so she took his ticket and showed him onto the plane. He sat down in his seat, and turned to the fellow next to him, "howdy, suh. My name's Brown, spelled B-R-O-W-N. Ah'm from Dallas, Texas. Ah'm 6-foot 3-inches tall. Ah'm white from th' top of mah head to th' tip of mah toes, and I hate the Irish."

The little fellow turned to him, "well now, how d'ye do. My name is Patrick Michael O'Donnell. I'm from Dublin, Ireland. I'm 5-foot 6-inches tall, and I'm white from the top o' me head to the tip o' me toes, except for me rectum, which is brown. Spelled B-R-O-W-N."



pepsipopr
Boudreaux is in need of a new milk cow. He hears about a nice one for sale over in Church Point. He drives over to Church Point, looks at the cow, and reaches under to see if she gives milk.

When he grabs her closest teat and pulls, the cow farts. Boudreaux is very surprised, looks at the farmer who is selling the cow, and reaches under the cow to try again. So, he grabs another teat, pulls, and the cow farts again. Milk does come out, however. So, after some discussion, Boudreaux decides to buy the cow anyway and takes it home.

Boudreaux calls his neighbor Thibodeaux over and says, "Come here and look at dis new cow I just bought. Pull her teat, and see what happens." Well, Thibodeaux reaches under and pulls; the cow farts. Thibodeaux looks up at Boudreaux and says, "Did you buy dis cow in Church Point, Boudreaux?"

Boudreaux is very surprised and says, "dats right, how did ya know?"

Thibodeaux says, "My wife, she from Church Point too."



Sammy
A few years ago a refugee from Laos came to the US in one of the resettlement influxes. He had been an announcer in radio back in Laos, and he wanted to get into the same line of work here. The first thing he did was join AFTRA (American Federation of Television and Radio Announcers). He tried to pursue a job, but of course - - being a new resident - - he had problems with the English language.

So, in order to keep body and soul together while going to English classes, he took up barbering. Soon, he became a very GOOD barber, indeed - - giving haircuts, stylings, and shaves with a flair. He was an artist with the straight razor. In fact, the shop where he worked made him specialize in giving nothing but shaves.

He became known forevermore as the AFTRA Shave Laotian.



Fay
A guy sees a sign in front of a house:
"Talking Dog for Sale."
He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.
"Sure do." the dog replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The dog looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running.

"The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals.

"Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

The owner says, "Ten dollars."
The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Cause he's a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff."



Sammy
I asked the Lord to tell me
Why my house is such a mess?
He asked if I'd been 'puting,
And I had to answer "yes"
He told me to get off my butt
And tidy up the house
And so I started cleaning up...
The smudges off my mouse.
I wiped and shined the topside
That really did the trick...
I was just admiring my work...
I didn't mean to 'click'
But click, I did, and LOL I found
A real absorbing site
That I got SO way into...
I was into it all night

<>

Nothing's changed except my mouse
It's very, very shiny
I guess my house will stay a mess...
While I sit here on my hiney




Sammy
Mr. Combs had a furniture store, specializing in ornate antiques in the baroque style. He had walking pneumonia last month but was at the store anyway. He was in one of the baroque style chairs rubbing Vicks Vaporub on his aching chest when he serendipitously discovered that the soothing ointment gave the furniture a wonderful, deep, rich shine. He immediately told the other furniture store owners since their furniture was more modern in style and they were not competitors. Soon he got reports that the Vicks treatment not only failed to work on the modern furniture, but ruined some of it.

Mr. Combs is very unpopular now, and his only consolation is that he learned one important rule..... If it's not baroque, don't Vicks it.



PepsiPopr
My neighbor found out that her dog could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. He found out that the problem was hair in its ears so he cleaned both of its ears out and the dog could hear fine.

The vet told the lady if she wanted to keep this from reoccurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in its ears once a month.

The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair remover. At the register the druggist tells her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days." The lady says, "I'm not using it under my arms."

The druggist says, "Oh.Well, if you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days."

The lady says "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."

The druggist says,

"Stay off your bicycle for a week."



Sammy
One morning a man came into the church on crutches. He stopped in front of the holy water, sprinkled some on both of his legs, and then threw away his crutches.
An alter boy, witnessing the scene, ran into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen.
"Son, you've just witnessed a miracle," the priest said. "Tell me where is this man now?"
"Flat on his ass over by the holy water," said the boy.



PepsiPopr
A Texan and his wife were on a trip to New York. She had just finished showering to dress for dinner and noticed that she had neglected to pack her bras. She asked her husband to go down to the dress shop in the lobby and pick up a couple of 36-C bras.

He said, "Ah'l go down raht now." So he put on his ten gallon hat and went to the shop.

The saleslady said, "May I help you sir?"

When he told her that he wanted two 36-C bras, she asked, "Would you like two Playtex?"

He answered, "Ah'd luv ta little lady, but mah wife's a'waitin fur me up in the room."