Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a very large whisky and headed off for a long, hot soak in the bathtub... pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks from his wife. While he was in the bath, the phone rang and his wife answered.

She was told that her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution. Finally, realizing what a day he must have had, she relented a little and went upstairs to give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband's rear view as he bent over naked drying his legs and feet. "They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.

The attorney whirled around and screamed hysterically, "For crying out loud woman, don't you ever stop?"



I hate people that forward too many warnings as much as anyone else does, but this one is important!

Send this warning to everyone you know, friends and enemies!

If someone comes to your front door saying they are conducting a survey on deer ticks and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around, do not do it!

IT IS A SCAM;

they only want to see you naked!

I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid now. :(

Kath
OINK..OINK.... As the President is getting off the helicopter in front of the White House, he has a baby pig under each arm.

The Marine guard snaps to attention, salutes, and says: "Nice pigs, sir."

The President replies: "These are not pigs, these are authentic Texan Razorback Hogs. I got one for VP Cheney, and I got one for Defense Secretary Rumsfeld ."

The Marine again snaps to attention, salutes, and replies, "Nice trade, sir."

Lee
The other morning I took a pair of underwear out of the drawer.
"What the hell?" I said to Myself as a little "dust" cloud appeared when I shook them out.

So, I hollered towards the bathroom, To my wife "why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?"

My wife shouted back, "It's not talcum powder. It's 'Miracle Grow'."



Sammy
I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Bob the computer guy, to come over. Bob clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call.
As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?" He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An, ID ten T error? What's that, in case I need to fix it again?"
The computer guy grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"
"No," I replied.
"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."
So I wrote out.... I D 1 0 T
I used to like Bob!




Sammy
A little old man shuffled.....slowly into an ice cream parlour.... pulled himself slowly, painfully ... up onto a stool. After catching his breath he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?" "No," he replied, "arthritis."



Kath
Two elderly ladies where sitting in a car in a dealer's lot after the store had closed.. A patorlman rapped on the window to see if they were alright and asked what they were doing there ???

One lady smiled and said "Well, we were told that anyone who bought a car here, would really get "screwed" and we are waiting.."



Sammy
Two Irish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people in this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."

Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart.

"Two dogs, please," says one.

The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their "dogs."

The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously: "What part did you get?



A man takes his wife to the State Fair and one of the exhibits is that of breeding bulls. They come up to the first pen and there is a sign that says, 'This bull mated 50 times last year.'

They walked a little further and see another pen with a sign that says, 'This bull mated 120 times last year.' The wife hits her husband and says, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."

They walk further and a third pen has a bull with a sign saying 'This bull mated 365 times last year.' The wife gets really excited and says, "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one."

The husband looks at her and says, "Go up and ask him if it was with the same cow."

...After nine surgeries and six years of therapy, the husband is now able to talk. It is hoped that someday he will walk again.



A truck driver, hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers, spots a good place to stop for a beer. As he approaches the bar, and sees a big sign on the door that says,
"NERDS NOT ALLOWED - ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!"

Hummm, Thinking this is a bit strange, he enters and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, looks him over and says "You smell some kind of nerdy". He then asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver explains to him that he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender serves him a beer and says, "OK, truck drivers aren't nerds."

As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in wearing a pair of glasses with tape around the middle, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt that is at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him "Why did you do that". The bartender replied, "Don't worry. The Nerds are in season because they are overpopulating this whole Silicon Valley. And Hey, "You don't even need a license."

So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads for the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the road. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, snatching up all of the computers. The scavengers are comprised of engineers, accountants and programmers. Each of them wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen.

He can't let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away. Believing he is doing the right thing, the truck driver reloads his gun. While Preparing to shoot a bunch more of them little nerdy guys, a highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of his car screaming at him,
STOP!!! STOP!!!
"What's wrong officer? I thought nerds were in season."
"Well, sure," says the patrolman,
"But the limit is one per day, And you can't BAIT EM !!"



Kath
The young bride approached her awaiting husband on their wedding night and demanded $20.00 for their first love making encounter. In his highly aroused state, he readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love for the next 30 years, him thinking it was a cute way for her to buy new clothes, etc. Arriving home around noon one day, she found her husband in a very drunken state. Over the next few minutes she heard of the ravages of financial ruin caused by corporate down sizing and it's effect on a 50 year old executive.

Calmly, she handed him a bank book showing deposits and interest for 30 years totaling nearly $ 1 million dollars. Pointing across the parking lot, she gestured toward the local bank while handing him stock certificates worth nearly $ 2 million dollars and informing him that he was the largest stockholder in the bank. She told him that for 30 years she had charged him each time they had sex and this was the result of her investments. By now he was distraught and beating his head against the side of the car . She asked him why the disappointment at such good news and he replied." If I had known what you were doing, I would have given you all of my business!"



Sammy
Robin Hood and his merry men were in Sherwood Forest one night celebrating, and imbibing. They all became inebriated, and then Friar Tuck began to sing. He became louder with each drink. Robin Hood, fearing that the Sheriff of Nottingham might hear the band, dragged the Friar deep into the woods. He then tucked him into the river, but the song lingered on.
The moral of the story?
You can lead a drunk to water but you can't make him hoarse.



Back in the early 1960's, a young fellow walks into a talent agent's office and says he wants to break into show-biz, so the agent says "OK kid, show me what you do." The kid tells some jokes, does a little soft shoe, sings a bit, does an acrobatic act with an ottoman, and is good enough to impress the agent. "Great kid! Just great!" says the agent. "I can do things for ya! I think I can get you a show on TV. By the way,
what's your name?"
The young man, proud and excited, exclaims, "Penis van Lesbian."
"Excuse me?" questions the agent.
"My name is Penis van Lesbian" again replies the young man. "Hey I'm sorry kid, you're gonna have to change your name, nobody is gonna hire you with a name like Penis van Lesbian."
Well, the young man is crestfallen but steadfastly refuses to change his name, so he leaves to find another agent.
A few months later he returns to the same agent. "Hey kid! Good to see ya again!" says the agent, "Are ya still looking for work? Have ya changed your name?" With his head hanging low the young man replies "Yes. Every agent in town turned me down because of my name, Penis van Lesbian. So, I've changed it." "Great kid, great! What's your new name?"

"Dick van Dyke."



Kath
What is the difference between girls aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58,68, & 78 ?

At 8 - You take her to bed and tell her a story.
At 18 - You tell her a story and take her to bed.
At 28 - You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.
At 38 - She tells you a story and takes you to bed.
At 48 - You tell her a story to avoid going to bed.
At 58 - You stay in bed to avoid her story.
At 68 - If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!!
At 78 - What story???? What bed??? Who are you???




Kath
A salesman was testifying in his divorce proceedings against his wife."Please describe," said his attorney, "the incident that first caused you to entertain suspicions as to your wife's infidelity."

"Well, I'm pretty much on the road all week," the man testified. "So naturally when I am home, I'm attentive to the wife."

"One Sunday morning," he continued, "we were in the midst of some pretty heavy lovemaking when the old lady in the apartment next door pounded on the wall and yelled, 'Can't you at least stop all that racket on the weekends?'"



Sammy
HOME REMEDY FOR FLU......WORKS GREAT, ESPCIALLY THE LAST PART!
Eat right! Make sure you get your daily dose of fruits and veggies.
Take your Vitamins and bump up your Vitamin C.
Get plenty of exercise because exercise helps build your immune system. Walk for at least 1 hour a day, go for a swim, take the stairs instead of the elevator, etc.
Wash your hands often. If you can't wash them, keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around.
Get lots of fresh air. Open windows whenever possible.
Get plenty of rest.
Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can.

OR
You can take the doctor's office approach. Think about it, when you go for a shot, what do they do first? Clean your arm with alcohol! Why? Because alcohol kills germs!

So...... I walk to the liquor store (EXERCISE!),
I put lime in my Corona (FRUIT),
celery in my Bloody Mary (VEGGIES),
drink on the bar patio (FRESH AIR),
get drunk, tell jokes, and laugh> (ELIMINATE STRESS),
and then pass out (REST)
The way I see it---- you keep your alcohol levels up flu germs can't get you!!
BE WELL and Laugh more often!



Lee
A couple has a dog who snores. Annoyed, because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring.
"Yeah right!" she says.
That night a few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, As usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring!
The woman is amazed!
Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out with His buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and begins snoring loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon trick might work on him. So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him!
The woman sleeps soundly.
The husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees the blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles. He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers, "I don't know where we were or what we did, but we took first and second place!"



Darlene
A little boy, not accustomed to seeing a priest in his "work uniform," went up to the priest and asked, "Why do you dress so funny?"

The priest replied, "This is the uniform that I wear when I work."

The child, still staring at him, asked, "Do you have a boo boo?"

The priest was somewhat puzzled, but quickly figured out that the child was looking at his white and black Roman collar. The priest pulled out the white plastic insert and showed it to the child, telling him that it was also part of his uniform.

On the back side of the collar there was some writing: "Wash with warm soapy water." The priest showed this to the little boy and then asked him, "Do you know what these words say?"

The little boy, obviously much too young to read, stated, "I sure do."
The priest, a little taken aback, then replied, "OK then, tell me what they say."

The little boy then replied, "Kills fleas and ticks for up to six months!"




Sammy
A little town had a high birth rate that had attracted the attention of the sociologists at the state university. They wrote a grant proposal; got a huge chunk of money; hired a few additional sociologists, an anthropologist, and a family planning and birth control specialist; moved to town; rented offices; set up their computers; got squared away; and began designing their questionnaires and such.
While the staff was busy getting ready for their big research effort, the project director decided to go to the local drugstore for a cup of coffee. He sat down at the counter, ordered his coffee, and while he was drinking it, he told the druggist what his purpose was in town, then asked him if he had any idea why the birth rate was so high.
"Sure," said the druggist. "Every morning the six o'clock train comes through here and blows for the crossing. It wakes everybody up, and ... well... it's too late to go back to sleep, and it's too early to get up..."



Millie
A Texan is drinking in a Florida bar when he gets a call on his cell phone.
He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Texas baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Texan just shrugs, "That's about average back home, folks...like I said, my boy's a typical Texas b! aby boy." Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "WOW"! were heard.
One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later the Texan returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that typical Texas baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been making' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. We were gonna call you, so how much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."
The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He weighed 25 pounds the day he was born."
The father takes a slow swig from his beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says,

"Had him circumcised"



Sammy
Little Grace was not the best student in parochial school. Usually she slept through her classes. One day the Nun called on her while she was napping and said, "Tell me,Grace; who created the universe?" When Grace didn't stir, little Johnny, seated in the chair behind her,took a pencil and jabbed her in the rear. God Almighty!" shouted Grace, and the Nun said, "Very good". Soon Grace fell back asleep. A while later the Nun called on Grace and asked, "Who is our Lord and Savior?" But, Grace didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Little Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her with his pencil. "Jesus Christ!" shouted Grace and the Nun said "Very Good" and Grace sat back down and started to fall back asleep. Then the Nun asked Grace a third question. What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" This time Grace was just awake enough to hear the question - and she knew what was coming, so she jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!" The Nun fainted.