A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes." The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes that what ever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!" The woman said, "That would be okay," and for her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to." The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me." So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful woman in the world! For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you." The woman said, "That will be okay because what is mine is his and what is his is mine." So, KAZAM she's the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack." Moral of the story: Women are clever . Don't mess with them

When the TV repairman turned on the TV he found that the farmer was right. After looking at the TV for a while he went outside to check the antenna. In a few minutes he returned and told the farmer he had found the problem.

The antenna had been installed on top of the windmill and grounded to the manure spreader.



Sammy
A Catholic Priest, a Protestant Minister and a Rabbi are discussing the question of when does life begin.
"Without any doubt," says the Priest, "life begins at the moment of conception - - when the egg is fertilized."
"No, no!" says the Protestant Minister. "Life begins at the moment of birth - - when the baby emerges."
"No way," says the Rabbi. "Life begins when the last kids are out of college, and the dog dies."



Sammy
A 55-year old man, who was born on May 5th, has been married 5 years, has 5 children, makes $55,555.55 a year, and who's lucky number is 5, receives a phonecall from a friend. The friend informs the man that a horse named Lucky 5 will be running in the fifth race at the local track that evening. Excitedly, the man withdraws 5,555.55 cash from his bank account, goes to the races and bets on Lucky 5. Sure enough, the horse comes in fifth.



Sammy
A traveler in the Himalayas came upon a great gathering of holy men, philosophers, and aspiring Buddha's. They represented all aspects of belief and seeking, including one aged guru who was reputed to have achieved nirvana by subsisting entirely on a diet of asparagus. The traveler was astonished, when, in a sudden mountain shower, all of the participants in this conclave were drenched, except the asparagus-eater. The rain simply avoided falling on him, as if he were roofed.
"That's incredible," said the traveler.
"Not at all," said his native guide, "It is not sung of in America, even on Broadway, but Bliss Is The Awning Of The Sage of Asparagus."



Susan
A Rabbi, a Priest,and a Minister have their houses of worship side by side,so they decide to carpool. On the first day the other two are shocked to see the pastor lay hands on the hood and pray silently, "What are you doing? the priest asked. The pastor looks up "I am just dedicating the car to the Lord's service", "Good ideal! Be right back" the priest exclaims, running into his church. He emerges with a bulb on a short stick shaking water out of it onto the car. The rabbi stares "What are you doing? he says? "I'm consecrating it with holy water" the priest replies. "Great ideal!" the rabbi says,and runs into his synagogue's toolshed. He emerges with a hacksaw and takes off an inch of the tailpipe.



Kath
A city boy named Kenny moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old Texas farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The donkey died on the way over to your place."
So Kenny said, "Well then, just give me back my money."
The farmer replied, "Can't do that. I spent it already."
Kenny said, "OK then, just unload the donkey."
The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"
Kenny: "I'm going to raffle him off."
Farmer: " You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"
Kenny: "Sure I can. I just won't tell anybody he is dead."
A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"
Kenny: "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a tidy profit of $898.00."
Farmer: "Didn't anyone complain?"
Kenny: " Just the guy who won So I gave him his two dollars back."

Kenny grew up and prospered, eventually becoming the chairman of Enron.



(Sammy)
Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter, the princess. But there was a problem. Due to a curse placed on her by an old witch, everything the princess touched would melt. No matter what, metal, wood, plastic; anything she touched would melt! Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her. The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter? He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king, "If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, the curse will be broken and she will be cured." The king was overjoyed. The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth. Three young princes took up the challenge. The first prince brought a very hard alloy of titanium. But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly. The second prince brought a huge diamond, the hardest substance in the world. But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted. He too went away disappointed. The third prince approached. He told the princess, "Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there." The princess did as she was told. She felt something hard. Though she turned red, she held it in her hand. And it did not melt! The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.

Question: What was the object in the prince's pants?

(Scroll down for the answer.)
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They were M&M's, of course. They melt in your mouth, not in your hand. (And just what did you think it was?)



An honest man is tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turns yellow, just in front of him. He does the honest thing and stops at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman hits the roof and the horn, reaming in frustration as she misses her chance to get through the intersection with him. As she is still in mid-rant, she hears a tap on her window and looks up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer orders her to exit her car with her hands up. He takes her to the police station where she is searched, fingerprinted, photographed and placed in a cell. After a couple of hours, a police officer approaches the cell and opens the door. She is escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer is waiting with her personal effects.

He says, "I'm sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the guy off in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper sticker, and the chrome plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk."

"Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."



A scientist named Walter invented a shrinking ray. He tried it on himself, and it worked. Unfortunately he couldn't reverse the process, and he was stuck being the size of a normal man's thumb.

He had a loyal lab assistant who worked with him, though, so his diminutive size didn't affect Walter's work too much. Still, after a while, Walter began to long for female companionship.

His lab assistant thought up a highly unethical plan. He planned to get a couple of ladies of the night, shrink them down to Walter's size, and keep them shrunk until they could figure out a way to reverse the process.

The lab assistant went to Times Square and tried to get the young ladies, but it was trickier than it seemed. They were reluctant to travel all the way to the lab, but the lab assistant offered to double their usual rate, so they finally agreed.

As soon as they stepped into the lab, the assistant turned on the shrinking ray. There was a flash of light and a puff of smoke, and when the air had cleared --- the prostitutes were exactly the same size as they were before.

"What's the big idea? Eek!"

One of the prostitutes saw Walter scurrying across the floor and squashed him flat with her shoe. Walter was dead, and the experiment was ruined.

This was all because the lab assistant forgot what everyone already knows: You can lead the whores to Walter, but you can't make 'em shrink.



Sammy
This guy wants to go into this hip new nightclub, but the bouncer says, "Sorry, bud, you need a tie to enter this place."
Our Hero goes back to his car and rummages around, but there's no necktie to be found. Finally, in desperation, he takes his jumper cables, wraps them around his neck, ties a nice knot, and lets the ends dangle free.
Back to the nightclub he goes, where the bouncer takes a long look at him and says,
"Well, OK, I guess you can come in. But don't start anything."



Sammy
The pharmacist filled the prescription and handed the nearly deaf old man the bottle of pills saying, "That'll be $16.50."

Just then the drug store phone rang, and the pharmacist answered. As he did, the old man placed 50 cents on the counter and walked out of the store with his prescription.

The clerk realized the mistake and shouted, but the old man did not hear and kept walking.

When the pharmacist finished his call the clerk explained what had happened. The pharmacist scooped up the 50 cents and put it into the cash register. He said to the clerk, "Oh, well, 30 cents profit is better than nothing."



Lee
Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting. Hespotted a small brown bear and shot it. Right after, there was a tap on his shoulder and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said, "That was my cousin and you've got two choices... Either I maul you to death or we have sex."

After considering briefly, Frank decided to accede to the latter alternative. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge.

He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it. Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, "That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex." Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate.

Although he survived, it took several months before Frank finally recovered.

Outraged, he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the grizzly and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but, then, there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.

The polar bear looked at him very sadly and said, "Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"



Hilda
The old American absent mindedly arrived at French customs at Paris airport and fumbled for his passport.

- "You have been to France before Monsieur?", the customs officer asked sarcastically.

- The ancient Yank admitted that he had been to France before."Then you should know enough to have your passport ready for inspection", snapped the irate official.

- The American said that the last time he came to France he did not have to show his passport."Impossible, old man. You Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in France."

- The old American gave the Frenchman a long hard look. "I assure you, young man, that when I came ashore on Omaha Beach in Normandy on D Day in 1944, there was no stupid damn Frenchman on the beach asking to see my passport!"

Shirley Jean
A 92 yr old man was walking down the street --with a young beautifull woman on hs arm --when he ran into his Doctor.
"Well" said the Dr. "you really are doing great--aren"t you ? What have you been doing to keep so well ?"
The old man said " just followed your orders Doc.--Get me a hot Mama & be carefull"
"NO NO" replied the Dr " I said you have a heart murmer so be careful"



Sammy
John came back from a safari in Africa.
Upon arrival, he went to his friend, Mark, and told him of his adventures.

"I was out in the jungle," he said, "when all of a sudden I heard a noise in the bush behind me. Looking back, I saw a huge lion, licking his chops and smiling at me. The lion started coming my way and I started running, with the lion not far behind. When the lion was almost at my neck, he suddenly slipped, and I got ahead a bit.

The lion started gaining on me again, and as he got closer, once again he slipped.

I happened to see a house not far away, so I made toward it. I got close to the house with the lion almost on top of me when he slipped for a third time.

With my very last bit of strength, I ran into the house and closed the door in the lion's face."

"That's some story there, John. I would have crapped in my pants."

"Well, what do you think the lion kept slipping on???"



Sammy
A lady in her late 40's went to a plastic surgeon for a facelift. The doctor told her of a new procedure called "The Knob." A small knob is implanted in the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up the skin to produce the effect of a brand new facelift forever.

Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob."

Fifteen years later, the woman went back to the surgeon with two problems. "All these years everything had been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob on lots of occasions and I've loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems."

"First of all, I've got these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them." The doctor looked at her and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts."

She replied, "Oh . . . well, I guess that explains the goatee."