After watching Satan do this several times the fellow's curiosity got the best of him. So he strolled over and asked Satan what he was doing. "Excuse me, Prince of Darkness," he said. "I'm waiting in line for judgment, but I couldn't help wondering. Why are you tossing those people aside instead of flinging them into the Fires of Hell with the others?"

"Ah, those....." Satan said with a groan. "They're all from Michigan. They're still too cold and wet to burn."



A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her, "Hello, How are you ! We've been waiting for you ! Good to see you."

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in ?"

"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.

"Which word?" the woman asked.

"Love."

The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven. About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.

While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived. "I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been ?"

"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion. And, my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer. How do I get in ?"

"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.

"Which word ?" her husband asked.

"Czechoslovakia.".



Everyone knows Murphy's Law: "Anything that can go wrong, will..."

Here are some other Laws you may not have heard!

Lorenz's Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

Anthony's Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Lowery's Law of Home Repair: If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.

Beach's Law: Interchangeable parts aren't.

Tussman's Law: Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come.

William's Law: There is no mechanical problem so difficult that it cannot be solved by brute strength and ignorance.

Lane's Law of Supply and Demand: The one item you need is always in short supply.

Cannon's Karmic Law: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.

Martin's Law of Meteorology: The worse the weather, the more you are required to be out in it.

Ehrlich's Law: The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.

Norman Einstein's Law: If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid.

Col. Murphy's Law of Combat: Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder!



Sammy
The stockbroker received notice from the IRS that he was being audited. He showed up at the appointed time and place with all his financial records, then sat for what seemed like hours as the accountant pored over them.

Finally the IRS agent looked up and commented, "You must have been a tremendous fan of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle."

"Why would you say that?" wondered the broker.

"Because you've made more brilliant deductions on your last three returns than Sherlock Holmes made in his entire career."



Sammy
Boudreaux been fish'n down by de bayou all day an he done run outa night
crawlers. He be bout reddy to leave when he seen a snake wit a big frog
in his mout.
He knowed dat dem big bass fish like frogs, so he decided to steal
dat froggie. Dat snake, he be a cotton moufed water moccasin so he had
to be real careful or he'd get bit. He snuk up behine de snake and
grabbed him roun de haid. Dat ole snake din't lak dat one bit. He
squirmed and wrapped hisself roun Boudreaux's arm try'n to get hisself
free. But Boudreaux, him, had a real good grip on his haid, yeh. Well,
Boudreaux pried his mouf open and got de frog and puts it in his bait
can.
Now, Boudreaux knows dat he cain't let go dat snake or his gonna
bite him good, but he had a plan. He reach into de back pocket of his
bib overhauls and pulls out a pint a moonshine likker. He pour some
draps into de snakes mouf. Well, dat snake's eyeballs roll back in his
haid and his body go limp.
Wit dat Boudreaux toss dat snake into de bayou. Den he goes back to
fish'n.
A while later Boudreaux dun feel sumpin tappin' on his barefoot
toe. He slowly look down and dare dat water moccasin was, with two
frogs.




Sammy
Satan was complaining bitterly to God, "You made the world so that it was not fair, and you made it so that most people would have to struggle every day, fight against their innate wishes and desires, and deal with all sorts of losses, grief, disasters, and catastrophes.

Yet people worship and adore you.

People fight, get arrested, and cheat each other, and I get blamed, even when it is not my fault. Sure, I'm not perfect, but give me a break. Can't you do something to make them stop blaming me?"

And so God created lawyers.



A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
a half-gallon of 2% milk,
a carton of eggs,
a quart of orange juice,
a head of romaine lettuce,
a 2 lb. can of coffee,
and a 1 lb. package of bacon
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she pl aced the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated,"You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"



















The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."



Sammy
Just in case you've had a rough day, here is a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological texts. The funny thing is that it really works.

1. Picture yourself near a stream.
2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.
3. No one but you knows your secret place.
4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called "the world".
5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
6. The water is crystal clear.
7. You can easily make out the face of the person you're holding underwater.
8. See! You're smiling already.




My boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect.
Later that morning he went out and got a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss." He then taped it to his office door.
Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said: "Your wife called, she wants you to bring her sign back!"



Two Texans are sitting on a plane from Dallas and an old Jewish Texan is sitting between them. The first Texan says, "My name is Roger. I own 250,000 acres. I have 1000 head of cattle and they call my place The Jolly Roger"

The second Texan says, "My name is John. I own 350,000 acres. I have 5000 head of cattle and they call my place Big Johns".

They both look down at the Jewish man who says, "My name is Irving and I own 300 acres".

Roger looks down at him and say, "300 Acres? What do you raise?"

"Notink" Irving says.

"Well then, what do you call it?" Asked John.

"Downtown Dallas.



Kath

There was this fellow from Eastern Kentucky who had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it.

Then he got back in the car to wait.

A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back.

He asked the fellow what the problem was.

The man replied, "I have a flat tar."

In response the passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"

The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back!

The poor country pastor was livid when he confronted his wife with the receipt for a $250 dress she had bought. "How could you do this!" he exclaimed.

"I don't know," she wailed, "I was standing in the store looking at the dress. Then I found myself trying it on. It was like the Devil was whispering to me, 'Gee, you look great in that dress. You should buy it.'"

"Well," the pastor persisted, "You know how to deal with him! Just tell him, "Get behind me, Satan!"

"I did," replied his wife, "but then he said "It looks great from back here, too!"

Then she obviously realized that a mistake had been made and apologized. She explained, "Oh, I'm so sorry. When I first saw you I thought you were the father of one of my children."

She walked on her way into the store.

The man was left staring dumbfounded after her. More than a bit puzzled, he thought to himself, "What is the world coming to, an attractive woman who doesn't even keep track of what the father of her children look like."

However, he was also a bit flattered that he might resemble one of her former suitors, but also hoped that nobody overheard her saying that she mistook him for being the father of one of her children.

A bit panicked, he then thought, "Could I possibly have forgotten a relationship?" "Could it be that I really fathered a child?" Still stunned, he walked to his car. He still did not realize, of course, that....