The middle-aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed him.

He looked up from his work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?

She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener'."



Sammy
I remember an incident a few years ago, in my home town school district, wherein a certain high school teacher was accused of "introducing" some of his students to marijuana. Apparently several of the students eventually developed such strong pot habits that they had "munched" themselves 20-30 lbs. overweight, and had voluntarily turned the teacher in out of anger.

It was not the first time a pot smoker had been given away by dilated pupils.



~Shanon~
ED ZACHARY DISEASE
A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she see the well known Chinese sex therapist, Dr.Chang.

So she went to see him...

Upon entering the examination room, Dr.Chang said, "Prease, take off all your crose." The woman did as she was told.

"Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room."Again, the woman did as she was instructed.

Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me." So she did..

Dr.Chang shook his head slowly and said, "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates."

Worried, the woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"

Dr. Chang sighed deeply, and replied: "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your ass.



CowBears
One day, Jimmy is walking home from school. When he gets home, he finds his grandpa sitting on the Porch without any pants on!
So he goes up to his grandpa and says "Grandpa, do you realize that you're not wearing any pants?"
His grandpa replies "Yes Jimmy, I do."
Jimmy then says "Well, why are you outside without any pants on Grandpa?"
His grandpa looks at Jimmy and responds "Well Jimmy, yesterday I sat outside without a shirt too long, and I got a stiff neck. This was your grandma's idea."



CowBears
One woman says to another, "I can't understand why you haven't gone to see that new gynecologist yet! I mean he's so young and handsome! And your gynecologist is so old!"

The other woman replies with a smile, "Yeah, I know. His hands shake all the time!"

Sammy
The census taker knocked on Miss Kimball's door. She answered all his questions except one. She refused to tell him her age. "But everyone tells their age to the census taker," he said.
"Did Daisy Hill, and Loretta Hill tell you their ages?"
"They most certainly did," replied the man, smiling.
"Well, I'M the same age as THEY are," she snapped.
"As old as the Hills," he muttered loudly as he filled out the form and walked away.



Judy1246
A little boy was sitting on the curb with a gallon of turpentine and shaking it up and watching all the bubbles. A little while later a Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had.

The little boy replied, "This is the most powerful liquid in the world, it's called turpentine."

The Priest said, "No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you take some of this Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant women's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby."

The little boy replied, "You take some of this here turpentine and rub it on a cat's ass and he'll pass a Harley Davidson."



CowBears
There were these three models going by air to a photo shoot, Elle Mcpherson, Cindy Crawford, and Naomi Campbell.

Halfway through the flight the plane had engine trouble, the pilot warned the girls to assume the crash position, just in case they went down.

Elle put on more make-up saying, "They always rescued the beautiful ones first". Cindy donned her jewelery claiming, "They would rescue the richest one first", upon which Naomi, threw off all her clothes, pressing herself against the window saying "You're both wrong, the first thing they look for is the Black Box"!



GJ
A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast. "Would you like bacon and eggs, perhaps? A slice of toast and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?"

He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunchtime, she asks if he would like something. "A bowl of homemade soup, homemade muffins or a ham and cheese sandwich?" she inquires.

He declines. "Still not hungry," he says, "the Viagra really trashes my desire for food."

Come dinnertime, she asks him if he wants anything to eat. Would he like maybe a steak and apple pie? Maybe he'd like a microwaved pizza or a tasty stir-fry that would only take a couple of minutes?

He declines. "Naw, still not hungry."

"Well," she says, "would you mind letting me up? I'm starving."



Kath
A man goes into a restaurant with his wife. The waiter approaches the table and asks for their order.
"I'll have your biggest, juiciest steak," he says.
"But sir, what about the mad cow?!" asks the waiter.
"Oh," answers the man, "she'll order for herself."



Vi
A man goes into the doctor. He says, "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"
The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to hear, "Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks."
"I've never seen or heard anything like this before, how long has this been going on." The doctor asked.
"That's nothing Doc. put your ear to my knee."
The doctor put his ear to the man's knee and heard it say "Man, I really need 10 dollars, just lend me 10 bucks!!"
"Sir, I really don't know what to tell you. I've never seen anything like this." The doctor was dumbfounded.
"Wait Doc, that's not it. There's more, just put your ear up to my ankle," the man urged him.
The doctor did as the man said and was blown away to hear his ankle plead, "Please, I just need 5 dollars. Lend me 5 bucks please if you will."
I have no idea what to tell you," the doctor said. "There's nothing about it in my books," he said as he frantically searched all his medical reference books. "I can make a well educated guess though. Based on life and all my previous experience I can tell you that your leg seems to be broke in three places."



Sammy
A preacher went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered a dead mule in the church yard. He called the police. Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police referred the preacher to the health department.
They said since there was no health threat that he should call the sanitation department.
The sanitation manager said he could not pick up the mule without authorization from the mayor.
Now the preacher knew the mayor and was not to eager to call him. The mayor had a bad temper and was generally hard to deal with, but the preacher called him anyway.
The mayor did not disappoint. He immediately began to rant and rave at the pastor and finally said, "Why did you call me anyway? Isn't it your job to bury the dead?"
The preacher paused for a brief prayer and asked the Lord to direct his response. He was led to say, "Yes, Mayor, it is my job to bury the dead, but I always like to notify the next of kin first!"



Lee
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light."
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again.
Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it.
She was getting nervous At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through.
So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Crap, am I driving?"



Sammy
Farmer Jones's cows had recently stopped giving good milk. So, he went around asking for advice, and someone told him that happy cows give good milk. So every morning he would go out and tell some jokes to his cows, and they would all laugh. But the rest of the cows in that community thought that the jokes were pretty stupid. Because of this, his cows became the laughing stock of the town.



Kath
An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his IRS agent and his lawyer, both church members, to come to his home.
When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling.
For a time, no one said anything. Both the IRS agent and the attorney were touched and flattered that the old preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moment. They were also puzzled because the preacher had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them.
Finally, the lawyer asked, "Preacher, why did you ask the two of us to come?"

The old preacher mustered up some strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go, too."



Sammy
There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane,he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas."

When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas."

After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right."

The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident.

Scared to death, the blind man started shouting... "Don't flush, don't flush!"



Sammy
There was this church that had a very big busted organist - her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she played - they distracted the congregation considerably.

The very proper church ladies were appalled - something had to be done about them or they would have to get another organist. One of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to put alum on them and maybe they would shrink in size - she agreed to try it.

The following Sunday morning the minister got up on the pulpit and said, "Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol - we will not hath a thermon today."



Lee
Morris, an 82-year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doctor, 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you got a heart mummer and be careful."



Sammy
A noted biologist, who had been studying little green frogs in a swamp, was stumped. The frog population, despite efforts at predator control, was declining at an alarming rate. A chemist at a nearby college came up with a solution: The frogs, due to a chemical change in the swamp water, simply couldn't stay coupled long enough to reproduce successfully. The chemist then brewed up a new adhesive to assist the frogs' togetherness, which included one part sodium. It seems the little green frogs needed some monosodium glue to mate.



Sammy
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, I saw them flip a coin and one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was:

"'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' Hel-LLLO...it's only 25 cents! I hate to think what they'd do if it was a whole DOLLAR?"



Sammy
This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He thinks the neighbors are going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house and gives it a bath, blow dries its fur and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes.

A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy, 'Did you hear that Fluffy died?' The guy stammers and says, 'Um...no...um...what happened?'.

The neighbor replies, 'We just found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage.

There must be some real sick people out there!'



Nonebetter
In a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old maid. In spite of her old age, she was still a virgin and very proud of it. Realizing that her final days were rapidly approaching, she told the local, part-time postal clerk, part-time undertaker that she wanted the following inscription engraved on her tombstone:

BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED AS A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN.

Not long after, the old maid died peacefully.

The undertaker then went to carve the inscription that she had requested. It was then that he realized that the tombstone she had selected was much too small for the wording that she had chosen.

He thought long and hard as to how he could fulfill the old maid's final request with such limited space available to him.

After agonizing over this dilemma days, inspiration finally came to him, and the following inscription was carved into her tombstone:

"RETURNED UNOPENED".