"Doc, he said, "I've got trouble.
Every time I get into bed I think there is somebody under it. I get under the bed; I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, under top. I'm going crazy!"

"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week and I'll cure you."

"How much do you charge?"

"A hundred dollars per visit."

"I'll think about it."

Jay never went back. Some time later he met the doctor on the street.

"Why didn't you ever come to see me again? Asked the psychiatrist.

"For a hundred buck a visit? A bartender cured me for 10 dollars."

"Is that so! How?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed."



Sammy
Rabbi Bloom was getting quite a reputation for his sermons. His synagogue was always packed because his congregation didn't want to miss a single one of his words. One Sabbath, one member had to go to another synagogue to attend a nephew's bar mitzvah. Because he didn't want to miss the sermon, he asked one of his non-Jewish friends to go in his place and tape the Rabbi's sermon. In that way, he could listen to it when he got back.

When other members of the congregation saw what was going on, they too decided to ask their non-Jewish friends to go in their places to record the sermon. They could then do other things, such as play golf or go to football. Within a short time, there were 100 gentiles sitting in the synagogue recording the Rabbi's sermon.

The Rabbi got wise to this. So the following Sabbath, he, too, asked a non-Jewish friend to attend on his behalf. His friend brought a tape recorder and played the Rabbi's pre-recorded sermon to the 100 non-Jews in the congregation who then recorded the sermon on their own machines.

This was believed to be the first incidence in history of "artificial insermonation."



Darlene
Actual customer comments reported by US travel agents......

I had someone ask for an aisle seat so that their hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.

A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"

I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Capecod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response ... click.

A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room! I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."

I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." He said, "But they look so close on the map."

Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay-over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."

A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!

A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I looked into it (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them."

A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."

A business man called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I won't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express."

A woman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York" The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent said,: "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal!"

We thank you for your co-operation.



CowBears
WASHINGTON, D.C.
Hang on to any of the new Alabama quarters if you have them, they may be worth much more than 25 cents. The U.S. Treasury announced it is recalling all of the Alabama quarters that are part of its program featuring quarters from each state. The quarters are being issued in the order in which the various states joined the U.S. "We are recalling all the new Alabama quarters that were recently issued," Treasury Undersecretary Jack Shackleford said Monday. "This action is being taken after numerous reports that new quarters will not work in parking meters, toll booths, vending machines, pay phones, or other coin-operated devices."

"The problem lies in a design flaw," Shackleford said. The winning design was submitted by an Auburn University student. "Apparently," Shackleford said, "the duct tape holding the two dimes and nickel together keeps jamming the coin-operated devices."



It was very windy, and she was only six years old and small for her age. When her mother asked her to clean off the front sidewalk, the wind nearly blew her away. She picked up the broom countless times, but each time, the wind got the best of her and knocked her over. Her mother came out a few minutes later to see how she was doing and found her stuffing rocks in her pocket.
"I thought you were cleaning off the sidewalk," her mother said.
"What in the world are you doing?"
The child replied: "Now? I weigh me down to sweep."



Lee
An elderly couple is enjoying a 50 year anniversary dinner together in a small tavern. The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years a go? We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you."

"Yes," she says, "I remember it well."

"Ok," he says, "How about taking a stroll round there again and we can do it for old time's sake."

"Oooooooh Charlie, you devil, that sounds like a good idea," she answers.

There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble."

So he follows them. They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks.

Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.

The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers. She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen.

They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds.

This goes on for about forty minutes!

She's yelling, "Ohhh, God!" He's hanging on to her hips for dear life.

This is the most athletic sex imaginable.

Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the grou nd recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.

The policeman, still watching thinks, that was truly amazing, he was going like a train. I've got to ask him what his secret is.

As the couple pass, he says to them, "That was something else. You must have been having sex for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? You must have had a fantastic life together. Is there some sort of secret?"

The old man says, "fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.



Bill and his wife, Sherry, get along just great, except that Bill complains Sherry is a "backseat driver" second to none. After years of putting up with her pestering, Bill finally decided he'd had enough and advised Sherry that he would no longer drive with her in the car.

Later that day, on his way home from work, Bill's cell phone rang as he was merging onto a freeway. It was Sherry calling. By chance, she had entered the freeway right behind him.

"Honey," she said sweetly, "your turn signal is still on. And please turn on your lights; it's starting to rain."



Sammy
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup,the doctor called the wife into his office alone.
He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him -- it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"

"He said you're going to die," she replied.



CowBears
Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check. Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!"

"I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"



Sammy
An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, Are you a real cowboy?" He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life, breaking colts,working cows,going to rodeos,fixing fences,pulling calves,bailing hay, doctoring calves,cleaning my barn,fixing flats,working on tractors,and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy".

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinkng about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. Whenever I shower, I think about women, When I watch TV, I think about women."

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat downon the other side of the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

The cowboy replied. " I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."



Kath
When you have had one of those take this job and shove it days, try this: On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the section where they have thermometers. You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer made by *Q-Tip. Be very sure that you get this brand.

When you get home, lock your doors and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed during your therapy. Change to very comfortable clothing, such as a sweatsuit and lie down on your bed. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Place it on the bedside table so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Take out the written material that accompanies the thermometer and read it. You will notice in small print the statement that "Every rectal thermometer made by *Q-Tip is PERSONALLY tested."

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,

I am so glad I do not work in quality control at the Q-Tip company !!!



Sammy
Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which, by mistake, happened to end up in a man's head. She looked around nervously but it was all empty and quiet.

"Hello?" she cried, but there was no answer. "Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer. Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled at the top of her voice,
"HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"
Then she heard a very faint voice from far, far away. "We're down here......."



Sammy
An old sailor was celebrating 92 years on this Earth. He spoke to his toes.
"Hello, toes!" he said, "how are you, toes? You know, you are 92 today. Oh, the times we've had! Remember when we walked in the park in summer every Sunday afternoon? The times we waltzed on the dance floor? Happy birthday, toes!"
"Hello, knees," he continued. "How are you, knees? You know you're 92 today. Oh, the times we've had! Remember when we marched in the parade? Oh, the hurdles we've jumped together. Happy birthday, knees!"
Then, he looked down at his crotch. "Hello Willie! You little son of a gun, If you were alive today, you'd be 92 years old!