The Dwarfs protest vehemently because they want to take a bath, too. Snow White relents and says, "When I get into the water and you hear the splash, you can turn around." Snow White undresses and as she is about to jump into the water, at that very moment, she is startled by a frog who jumps into the water before she can. The moment the Dwarfs hear the SPLASH, they turn around and see Snow White standing NAKED.

Now, given that this incident is an idea for a TV ad, what product is being advertised???????
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Come on now, guess...
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this should be easy for a person of your background and mental powers.
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"SEVEN UP!!!"



How to effectively complain:

Gentlemen:
I have been riding trains daily for the last two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago.
Yours truly, A Commuter

Dear Sir:
We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot.
Sincerely, The Railroad

Gentlemen:
I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible, Book of David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ass. That, gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in the last two years.
Yours truly, A Commuter

A blonde girl enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the salesman:
- I would like to buy a pink curtain in the size of my computer screen.
The surprised salesman replies:
- But, madam, computers do not have curtains....
And the blonde said:
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- Helloooo.... I've got Windows!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



Darlene
Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets.
"We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right."
So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.
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The paragraph above doesn't amaze me because of what happened a couple of months ago. I was checking out at the local Foodland with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "Dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't! get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "Divider" looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?"
I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today." She said "OK" and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?"
"Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Life is tough. It's tougher if you're stupid."



An avid golfer dies and goes to heaven. He is met by St. Peter who tells him, "Welcome to Heaven. I know you will be pleased to know that this is the best golf course in the universe!"
The man's eyes turn cloudy.
St. Peter says, "And the weather here is always good."
A tear begins to form in the man's eye.
St. Peter says, "And there is never any lines of people when you want to golf."
A tear starts dropping from the man's other eye.
St. Peter hurriedly says, "And your drives go at least 50 yards further up here."
The man is now sniffling.
St. Peter then says, "And you will never have more than two puts on any of the greens."
The man is now sobbing uncontrollably.
St. Peter asks, "Hey, what is the matter with you? I thought you would be overjoyed. Why the tears?"
The man answers, "you mean if my good wife had not fed me all that healthy food, I would have been up here five years earlier?"



One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Tennessee"
And they say blondes are dumb....




A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been such a devoted couple she would grant each of them a very special wish.

The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband. Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.

The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger.......Whoosh.... immediately he turned ninety!!!

Gotta love that fairy!



One night, a torrential rain soaked northwestern Minnesota. The next morning the resulting floodwaters came up about 6 feet into most of the homes there. Olga was sitting on her roof with her neighbor, Lena, waiting for help to come.

Olga noticed a baseball cap, floating near the house. Then she saw it float far out into the front yard, then float back to the house.It kept floating away from the house, then back towards the house. Her curiosity got the best of her, so she asked Lena, "Do you see dat der baseball cap a floatin' away from da house, den back again?"

Lena said, "Oh yeah, dats my husband Ole. I tole dat lazyass he's gonna cut da grass today, come hell or high water!



Seems God was just about done with creating the universe but he had two extra things left over in his bag so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve.
He told them that one of the things he had left was a thing that would allow the owner to pee while standing up. "It's a very handy thing," God told them, "and I was wondering if either one of you would like that." Well, Adam jumped up and down and begged "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that. It seems just the sort of thing a man should be able to do. Please. Please! Pleeease! Give it to me." On and on he went like an excited little boy.

So Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he should have it. So God gave Adam the thing that allowed him to pee while standing up and he was so excited. He whizzed on the bark of a tree and then went off to write his name in the sand, laughing with delight all the while.

God and Eve watched him for a moment and then God said to Eve, "Well, here's the other thing and I guess you can have it."
"What's it called? Eve asked.

"Brains" God said.

~and that's the way we like it....



Darlene
While attending a marriage seminar on communication, Tom and his wife Peg listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."
He addressed the men, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower ?"

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it?"

The rest of the story is not pleasant.



Sammy
Artifacts are a major portion of an Indian reservation's economy. Annually, thousands of tourists visit reservations and most will not leave without purchasing at least one memento of the traditional Indian culture.
One enterprising Indian was able to outsell his competitors in the sale of wooden dolls by selling them at only a fraction of the cost others had to charge. Upon examining his dolls, they found that where hard wood was traditionally used, this Indian would use cheap pine on which he glued thin pieces of fine mahogany, thus being able to produce the dolls at only a fraction of the cost.

While he claimed his dolls were still authentic, his competitors complained that they were only... Cheap Sioux Veneers.



Darlene
One day, Thibodeaux sit down to eat next to Boudreaux when Boudreaux pull out dis long round plastic ting out his lunch box.

Thibodeaux say, "Man, Boudreaux, what dat is you got?"

He tell Thiboudeaux, "Dat's someting new dey come out wit. It what you call a Termis Bottle."

So Thibodeaux ask, "A Termis Bottle, what dat do?"

Boudreaux say, "Man, you put someting hot in it an it keep it hot. You put somting cold an it keep it cold."

Thibodeaux reply, "What dey gonna tink of next. What you got in dat Termis Bottle?"

Boudreaux say, "A cup of gumbo an two Popsicles".



Lee
A blonde walks by a travel agency and notices a sign in the window,
"Cruise Special -- $99!"
She goes inside, lays her money on the counter and says, "I'd like the $99 cruise special, please."

The agent grabs her, drags her into the back room, ties her to a large inner tube, then drags her out the back door and downhill to the river, where he pushes her in and sends her floating.
A second blonde comes by a few minutes later, sees the sign, goes inside,lays her money on the counter, and asks for the $99 special. She too is tied to an inner tube and sent floating down the river. Drifting into stronger current, she eventually catches up with the first blonde.

They float side by side for a while before the first blonde asks, "Do they serve refreshments on this cruise?"
The second blonde replies, "They didn't last year."