Jokes 10

Darlene
A catholic man is struck by a bus on a busy street. He is lying near death on the sidewalk as a crowd gathers.
"A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps.
Minutes drag on and no one steps out of the crowd.
A policeman checks the crowd and finally yells, "A PRIEST, PLEASE! Isn't there a priest in this crowd to give this man his last rites?"
v Finally, out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least 80 years of age. "Mr. Policeman," says the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Christian. But for 50 years now I'm living behind the Catholic Church on First Avenue, and every night I'm overhearing their services. I can recall a lot of it, and maybe I can be of some comfort to this poor man."

The policeman agrees, and clears the crowd so the man can get through to where the injured man lay.
The old man kneels down, leans over the man and says in a solemn voice:

"B-4. I-19. N-38. G-54. O-72..."

Sammy
A cardiac specialist died and at his funeral the coffin was placed in front of a huge mock-up of a heart made up of flowers. When the pastor finished with the sermon and eulogy, and after everyone said their goodbyes, the heart opened, the coffin rolled inside and the heart closed.

Just then one of the mourners burst into laughter.
The guy next to him asked, "Why are you laughing?"
"I was thinking about my own funeral," the man replied.
"What's so funny about that?"
"I'm a gynecologist."

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Mama needs new clothes!" Then she hollered..."YES! YES! I WON! I WON!" She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers. She then picked up all the money and her clothes and quickly departed.The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know, I thought YOU were watching!"

Moral of the story:
Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men!!!!!!

Once upon a time, there was a female brain cell which, by mistake, happened to end up in a man's head.
She looked around nervously, but it was all empty and quiet. "Hello?" she cried... but no answer. "Is there anyone here?"
She cried a little louder, but still no answer.... Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled:
"HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"

Then she heard a voice from far, far away ...
"Hello - we're all down here...."

A man walks into a restaurant with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits down, the waitress comes over, and asks for their order.
The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries, and a coke, "and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later, the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $6.40 please," she says, and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again, and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries, and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes a routine until, late one evening, the two enter again.
"The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad," says the man. "Same for me," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be $32.62." Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir.
How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a genie appeared and offered me two wishes.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I could just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact amount is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir. What's with the ostrich?"

The man replies, "My second wish was for a chick with long legs."

Kath
This from someone who commutes into D.C. from Northern Virginia on the metro on a day when protesters were out in force.

I got off the train in Rosslyn because I had to use the bathroom and the train was moving quite slowly. When I was getting back on the train, there were protesters on the train platform handing out pamphlets on the evils of America. I politely declined to take one.

An elderly woman was behind me getting off the escalator and a young (20ish) female protester offered her a pamphlet, which she politely declined.
The young protester put her hand on the old woman's shoulder as a gesture of friendship and in a very soft voice said, "Ma'am, don't you care about the children of Iraq?"

The old woman looked up at her and said, "Honey, my first husband died in France during World War II so you could have the right to stand here and bad mouth your country. And if you touch me again, I'll stick this umbrella up your ass and open it.

I'm glad to report that loud applause broke out among the onlookers and the young protester was at a total loss for words.

nonebetter
After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the obstetrician.

"Doctor," the man said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine." "Nonsense," the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool."

"It isn't possible," the man insisted. "This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations."

"Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?" The man seemed a bit ashamed.

"I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months"

"Well, there you have it!" the doctor said confidently. "It's rust."............

Did you hear about the Nihonjin guy who was working for this Hakujin guy in Los Angeles who would constantly put him down? All the Nihonjin guy would do when he was insulted, would be to bow and say, "This morning, every morning."
Again, a put down, and again "This morning every morning."
This went on week after week and a Nisei guy who was watching, got sick and tired of it and went to the Nihonjin guy and berated him, saying, "That Hakujin guy is insulting you and all you do is bow and say 'This morning, every morning.' Why don't you talk back?
The Nihonjin guy said, "I am talking back."
The Nisei asked incredulously, "You're talking back? Where do you get that?"
The Nihonjin said, "I'm talking American, but I'm thinking Japanese."
The Nisei asks, "What do you mean by that?"
The Nihonjin says, "How do you say 'This morning' in Japanese?
The Nisei thought, and finally answered, "Kessa".
Then the Japanese asked, "How do you say 'Every morning' in Japanese?"
The Nisei answered, "Mai assa".
The Japanese answered, "Well".

Vi
You know the world's gone mad when the best rapper is a white guy..
the best golfer is a black guy..
the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese ..
the Swiss hold the America's Cup ..
France is accusing the USA of arrogance ..
the Germans don't want to go to war!

An Indian was telling his doctor about his chronic insomnia..
To the doctor's amazemant, the Indian added that 499 fellow tribesmen also had the problem..

They're known as the Indian napless 500...

Kath
Berln ..A 73 yr-year-old man who used an air-raid siren to stun his wife into submission has had it confiscated by German police.
"My wife never let's me get a word in edgewise," the man identified as Vladimir R. told Mannheim police.
"So I crank up the siren and let it rip for a few minutes, It works everytime. Afterwards it's real quiet again."
A police spokesman said neighbors had complained about the noise from the 220-volt rooftop device, believed to be an old fashioned air-raid-siren.
Rosina, Vladimir's wife of 32 yrs, said she sometimes had to yell to get his attention.
"My husband is a stubborn mule so I have to get loud" she said..

I met a guy on the golf course who played to scratch using nothing more than a large weight on the end of broom handle for everywhere except the green, and an old umbrella for putting.
In the nineteenth, I told him how impressed I was.
"I guess it's because I'm a genius" he replied casually. "I find things so easy that I have to make everything more difficult."
"Snooker for example," he continued, "I play with a rubber bung stuck on the end of a metal pole twisted like a corkscrew. I could still beat Steve Davis with one hand tied behind my back. I have to make it difficult, or I get bored.
"Or rifle shooting," he went on. "I've taken the sights off the gun, hold it one handed [left hand even though I'm right handed] sight with my right eye [even though the gun's in my left hand] and stand on one leg while the rest lie prone to hold the weapon stable. Even then, I could win easily whenever I want. Nothing's any fun unless I can make it into a challenge."
I was impressed. "Got any kids?" I inquired.
"Yes," he replied. "And before you ask... Standing up in a hammock."

A married man had only one complaint: his wife was always nursing sick birds. One February evening, he came home to find a raven with a splint on its wing sitting in his favorite chair. On the dining room table, instead of dinner, there was a feverish eagle pecking at an aspirin. In the kitchen, his wife was comforting a shivering little wren she found out in the snow.
The furious husband strode over to where his wife was toweling down the cold little bird. "I can't take it any more! We've got to get rid of all of these #(@ ..."
The wife held up her hand and cut him off in mid-sentence.
"Please, Dear, no cuss words in front of the chilled wren."

An atheist was quite incensed over the preparation for Easter and Passover holidays and decided to contact the local ACLU about the discrimination inflicted on atheists by the constant celebrations afforded to Christians and Jews with all their holidays while the atheists had no holidays for them to celebrate.
The ACLU jumped on the opportunity to once again pick up the cause of the downtrodden and assigned their sharpest attorney to the case.
The case was brought up before a learned judge who after listening to the passionate presentation by the ACLU representative, promptly banged his gavel and said "Case dismissed!"
The ACLU lawyer stood up and objected to the ruling and said "Your honor, how can you dismiss this case? Surely the Christians have Christmas, Easter and many other observances. And the Jews--why in addition to Passover they have Yom Kippur and Hanukkah.....and yet my client and all other atheists have no such holiday!"

The judge leaned back in his chair and simply said "Obviously your client is too confused to know about or for that matter even celebrate the atheists holiday!"
The ACLU lawyer pompously said "We are aware of no such holiday for atheists--just when might that be?"
The judge said "Well it comes every year at the same time---April 1st"

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied.
On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything there was! Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, Pepsi, and M& ;Ms. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?"
One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size."
The moral of this story: Even when the man is listening, he's still gonna still get it wrong .

IN A TRIAL A SMALL TOWN PROSECUTING ATTORNEY CALLED HIS FIRST WITNESS TO THE STAND: A GRANDMOTHER, ELDERLY WOMAN.
HE APPROACHED HER AND ASKED, "MRS. JONES, DO YOU KNOW ME?"
SHE RESPONDED, "WHY, YES I DO KNOW YOU, MR. WILLIAMS. I'VE KNOWN YOU SINCE YOU WERE A YOUNG BOY. AND FRANKLY, YOU'VE BEEN A BIG DISAPPOINTMENT TO ME.
YOU LIE, YOU CHEAT ON YOUR WIFE, YOU MANIPULATE PEOPLE AND TALK ABOUT THEM BEHIND THEIR BACKS. YOU THINK YOU'RE A BIG SHOT WHEN YOU HAVEN'T THE BRAINS TO REALIZE YOU NEVER WILL AMOUNT TO ANYTHING MORE THAN A TWO-BIT PAPER PUSHER. YES, I KNOW YOU"!

THE LAWYER WAS STUNNED. NOT KNOWING WHAT ELSE TO DO, HE POINTED ACROSS THE ROOM AND ASKED, "MRS. JONES, DO YOU KNOW THE DEFENSE ATTORNEY?

SHE AGAIN REPLIED, "WHY YES, I DO. I'VE KNOWN MR. BRADLEY SINCE HE WAS A YOUNGSTER, TOO. HE'S LAZY, BIGOTED, HE HAS A DRINKING PROBLEM. HE CAN'T BUILD A NORMAL RELATIONSHIP WITH ANYONE AND HIS LAW PRACTICE IS ONE OF THE WORST IN THE ENTIRE STATE. NOT TO MENTION HE CHEATED ON HIS WIFE WITH THREE DIFFERENT WOMEN. YES, I KNOW HIM" THE DEFENSE ATTORNEY ALMOST DIED!

AT THIS POINT, THE JUDGE BROUGHT THE COURTROOM TO SILENCE, CALLED BOTH COUNSELORS TO THE BENCH, AND IN A VERY QUIET VOICE SAID, "IF EITHER OF YOU IDIOTS ASKS HER IF SHE KNOWS ME, YOU'LL BE JAILED FOR CONTEMPT"!