|
Joe Torre, the manager of the N Y Yankees, came to the major leagues as
a Catcher on the Braves team in the National League. While catching
batting practice a hitter took a mighty swing and missed the ball.
However, his backswing came around and caught Joe smack in the back of
his head knocking him cold. When he came to he swore he would never
catch again and the Braves acceded to his wishes and moved him to First
Base. (The move from catcher to first base is factual..you can check the
record books)
Joe went on and had a great career as a player but many veterans still
remember the incident with the bat and refer to him behind his back as
"CHICKEN CATCHER TORRE"! REJECTED HALLMARK CARDS: 1. My tire was thumping.... I thought it was flat.... when I looked at the tire.... I noticed your cat... Sorry
2. You had your bladder removed
3. You've announced that you're gay,
4. Happy Vasectomy!
5. Heard your wife left you...
6. You totaled your car...
Late one night in Washington D.C., a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. "Give me your money!" he demanded. Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this. I'm a United States Congressman!" "In that case," replied the robber, "give me MY money!" A man whose wife had just given birth to their first child was visiting the hospital nursery to see his new son. As the proud father was admiring his handsome baby through the glass partition, he could not help but notice that the baby in the next bassinet seemed frail and sickly looking by comparison. Just then a nurse went walking by and the man stopped her for a moment. "What's the matter with that little fellow?" he asked. "He seems awfully puny and underweight." "He's one of those artificial insemination babies," explained the nurse, "and he's been coming along rather slowly, I'm afraid." "Well, that sort of confirms a theory of mine," said the man. "What's that?" asked the nurse. Replied the man with a smile, ... "Spare the rod and spoil the child." A man follows a woman out of a movie theatre. She has a dog on a leash. He stops her and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I couldn't help but notice that your dog was really into the movie. He cried at the right spots, he moved nervously in his seat at the boring parts, but most of all, he laughed like crazy at the funny parts. Don't you find that a bit unusual?" "Yes," she replied, "I found it VERY unusual because he HATED the book!" When NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project, it took the astronauts to a Navajo reservation in Arizona for training. One day, a Navajo Elder and his son came across the space crew walking among the rocks. The Elder, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question. His son translated for the NASA people. "What are these guys in the big suits doing?" One of the astronauts said that they were practicing for a trip to the moon. When his son relayed this comment the Navajo Elder got all excited and asked if it would be possible to give to the astronauts a message to deliver to the moon. Recognizing a promotional opportunity when he saw one, a NASA official accompanying the astronauts said, "Why certainly!" and told an underling to get a tape recorder . The Navajo Elder's comments into the microphone were brief. The NASA official asked the son if he would translate what his father had said. The son listened to the recording and laughed uproariously. But he refused to translate. So the NASA people took the tape to a nearby Navajo village and played it for other members of the tribe. They too laughed long and loudly but also refused to translate the elder's message to the moon. Finally, an official government translator was summoned. After he finally stopped laughing the translator relayed the message: "Watch out for these pricks. They have come to steal your land." The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven. He's met by the reception committee, and after a whirlwind tour he is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad of recreations available. He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy Scriptures, so he spends the next eon or so learning the languages. After becoming a linguistic master, he sits down in the library and begins to pour over every version of the Bible, working back from the most recent "Easy Reading" to the original script. All of a sudden there is a scream in the library. The Angels come running in only to find the Pope huddled in his chair, crying to himself, and muttering, "An 'R'! The scribes left out the 'R'."
A particularly concerned Angel takes him aside, offering comfort, and
asks him what the problem is and what does he mean. After collecting his
wits, the Pope sobs again, "It's the letter 'R'. They left out the 'R'.
The word was supposed to be CELEBRATE!"
(Sammy) Do you know someone who seems to know everything? When asked why, they say, "A little birdie told me." Did you know they probably aren't lying? It is a little known fact that there are little birds that fly very fast, are never seen, and they are everywhere. - Thus, these creatures are called "Flies Unseen Everywhere" or FUE for short. These birds have an extensive communications network, and they can generally find out anything from anywhere quite quickly. Some of these birds befriend certain individuals and communicate with them by making clucking sounds, much like a chicken. They are not dumb like chickens, however, and can establish a sort of clucking language with the lucky person they befriend. This person is then the one who is always in the know; one step ahead of the competition. And those people who seem to be in the dark? Those who just don't get it? Those who's standard response to any given question is, "Huh?" Why I think it should be pretty obvious to all, now, that the reason is simply because they don't have a clucking FUE. (Hilda&Joel) A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk just sits there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin', there's no paper on this side either (Sammy) A Mom is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date. "Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?" "Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother warns. It is not polite." "Ok", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?" "Now really," the mother says, "these are personal questions and are really none of your business." Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and daddy get a divorce?" "That is enough questions, honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play. "My Mom wouldn't tell me anything," the little girl says to her friend. "Well," said the friend, "all you need to do is look at her driver's license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it." Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32." The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?" "I also know that you weigh 140 pounds." The mother is past surprise and shock now. "How in heavens name did you find that out?" "And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce." "Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?" "Because you got an "F" in sex. Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying, "DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG!" posted on the glass door. Inside, he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor besides the cash register. He asked the store manager, "Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to BEWARE of?" He laughed. "Yep, that's him," replied the store owner. The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me!", he joked. "Why in the world would you post that stupid sign?" "Well," the owner drawled, "before I posted that sign, people kept TRIPPING over him." Frances Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says, "Sam, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?" Sam says, "Well, I feel just like a new-born baby." "Really!? Like a baby!?" "Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet myself." Sammy An engineer died and reported to the pearly gates. An intern angel, filling in for St. Peter, checked his dossier and grimly said, "Ah, you're an engineer; you're in the wrong place." So the engineer was cast down to the gates of hell and was let in. Pretty soon, the engineer became gravely dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and began designing and building improvements. After a while, the underworld had air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators, and the engineer was becoming a pretty popular guy among the demons. One day, God called Satan up on the telephone and asked with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan laughed and replied, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God's face clouded over and he exploded, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake; he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan shook his head, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God was as mad as he had ever been, "This is not the way things are supposed to work and you know it. Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughed uproariously, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?" Buford walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Buford said, "Shingles." So she took down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat. Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Buford what he had. Buford said, "Shingles." So she took down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Buford to wait in the examining room. A half-hour later a nurse came in and asked Buford what he had. Buford said, "Shingles." So she gave Buford a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, told Buford to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor. An hour later the doctor came in and asked Buford what he had. Buford said, "Shingles." The doctor said, Where?" Buford said, "Outside on the truck. Where do you want them?" Darlene A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk answers, "Yes, I am." So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus?" The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus." The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer this time. He again pulls him out of the water and asks "Have you found Jesus my brother?" The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus." By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again---but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God have you found Jesus?" The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?" Szak The doctor tells his patient, "I've got some good news and some bad news for you." So the patient asks, "What's the good news, Doc?" And the doctor says, "They're going to name a disease after you." Patrolling the highway, a state trooper noticed a truck driver pull over, get out of his rig, bang on the metal side several times, then drive away. Two miles down the road, he did the same thing. In another two miles, he did it again. So the trooper pulled the truck over and asked for an explanation. The driver replied. "The load limit is ten tons, and I'm carrying 15 tons of parakeets, so I've got to keep 'em flying around." Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped and returned to the gate. After waiting over an hour, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant what had happened. "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," said the attendant. "It took us almost an hour to find another pilot." Stepping out of the shower one morning, a beautiful young woman wraps herself in a towel and tells her husband it's his turn to use the shower. Just then, the doorbell rings, so she goes to the door. It's their neighbor, Bill, whose jaw drops at the sigt of the lovely bride wrapped only in a towel. He pulls out two hundred-dollar bills and says they're hers if she'll drop the towel down to her waiste. We could really use $200, she thinks, and drops the towel a few inches. Bill gasps at the sight and pulls out two more hundreds and offers them to her, too, if she'll drop the towel altogether. Well, I've already compromised myself, she thinks, so what the heck. She lets the towel fall to the floor, and Bill gets a good look. She quickly takes the money. Bill thanks her and leaves. She goes back upstairs as her husband is getting out of the shower. "Who was at the door, honey?" he asks. When she tells him it was Bill, he asks, "Did he say anything about the $400 he owes me?" |