The third bull says, "Heck, he can have ALL my cows! I'm just making sure he knows I'M a bull!"



A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They get back to his place and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears. Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor -- cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher and huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall. The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side. She turns to him . . . they kiss . . . and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot steamy love.
After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?"
The guy says, "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."



Boudreaux and Thibodeaux are from Louisiana visiting a relative at the Huntsville Texas prison.
Walking along Sam Houston Street, they see a sign which reads:'Suits $5.00 each, shirts $2.00 each, trousers $2.50 per pair.
Boudreaux says to his pal, "Hey Thib, LOOK! We could buy a whole lot of those, and when we get back to Lafayette, we could make a fortune. Now when we go into the shop, you be quiet, okay? Just let me do all the talkin' cause if they hear our Cajun accent they might not serve us. I'll speak in my best Texas drawl."
They go in and Boudreaux orders 50 suits at 5.00 each, 100 shirts at 2.00 each and 50 pairs of trousers at 2.50 each. The owner of the shop says, "You're from Louisiana, aren't you?"
"Oh, ... yes," says a surprised Boudreaux. "How come you know dat?"
The owner says, "Cause this is a dry-cleaners."



God greets her at the pearly gates "Are you hungry, Mother Teresa?" says God.
"I could eat" Mother Teresa replies.
So God opens a can of tuna and reaches for a chunk of rye bread and they share it. While eating this humble meal, Mother Teresa looks down into Hell and see the inhabitants devouring huge steaks, lobsters,pheasants,pastries and wines. Curious,but deeply trusting, she remains quiet.The next day God again invites her to join him for a meal.
Again, it is tuna and rye bread.
Once again, Mother Teresa can see the denizens of Hell enjoying caviar, champagne,lamb,truffles and chocolates.
Still she says nothing.
The following day, mealtime arrives and another can of tuna is opened. She can't contain herself any longer. Meekly, she says: "God, I am grateful to be in heaven with you, as a reward for the pious, obedient life I led. But here in heaven, all I get to eat is tuna and a piece of rye bread and in the Other place, they eat like emperors and kings. I just don't understand"
God sighs. "Lets be honest, he says "For just two people, Does it pay to cook?"



After a Southern man moved from Atlanta to a New Jersey suburb, a fellow passenger on a train asked how he liked it in the country. "It was difficult at first," the man replied, "but it's a lot better since I got myself a paramour." The passenger was astonished. "A paramour?" he said. "Does your wife know?" "Sure," said the Southerner. "She doesn't care how I cut the grass."



On their way to get married, a young couple are involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter shows up, they asked him. St. Peter says, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.
The couple sat and waited for an answer. . . . for a couple of months.
While they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to get married in Heaven, SHOULD they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all.
"What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together FOREVER?"
After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven."
"Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground.
"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
"OH, COME ON!!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a LAWYER...??




After living in the remote wilderness all his life, an old codger decided it was time to visit the big city. In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not knowing what it was, he remarked, "How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy." He bought the 'picture', but on the way home he remembered his wife, Lizzy, didn't like his father. So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it. Lizzy began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn. One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror. As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So THAT'S who he's runnin' around with!"



One day, while sailing the Seven Seas, Captain Bravo's lookout spotted a pirate ship. The crew became frantic!
Captain Bravo bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!"
The first mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, and while wearing the brightly colored shirt, the Captain led his crew into battle and defeated the pirates.
That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day's triumph. One of them asked the captain, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before battle?"
The captain replied, "If I had been wounded in the attack, the shirt would not have shown my blood. Thus, you men would continue to fight, unafraid."
All of the men sat and marveled at both the courage and intelligence of such a manly man's man.
As dawn came the next morning, the lookout spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching! The crew stared in worshipful silence at the captain and waited for his usual brilliant orders.
Captain Bravo gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed against his ship, and without fear, turned and calmly shouted,
"Get me my brown pants."



There were two factories in New York City. One of them made maternity frocks for expectant mothers, so they were called the "Mothers Frockers".
The factory across the street made corks for wine bottles. They had to soak the corks before they could put them into the bottles, so they were called the "Cork Soakers".
One day a Cork Soaker didn't soak a cork long enough and it flew out of one of the bottles and hit one of the Mother Frockers in the eye.
That made all the Mother Frockers mad at the Cork Soakers, so they went outside and had the biggest Mother-Frocking Cork-Soaking fight you ever saw...



My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight."
He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.
______________________
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world"
The woman says, "I'll miss you."
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"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
_______________________
He said - Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you really badly.
She said - Well, you succeeded.
_______________________
He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said - That's a good idea...you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.
_______________________
He said - What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said - Turn sideways and look in the mirror
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Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor