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Sister Margaret
(+Sammy....) Sister Margaret had been a model nun all her life, but then she was called to her reward. As she approached the pearly gates, Saint Peter said "Hold on, Sister Margaret...not so fast!" "But I have been good all my life and dedicated to the work of the Lord. From the time I was taken in as an infant by the sisters at the convent to my dying breath...I have lived for this moment!" Sister Margaret exclaimed in disbelief. "That is just the problem...you never learned right from wrong and to get into heaven, you must know the difference between right and wrong" replied St. Peter. "Well what can I do? I will do anything to get into heaven!" Sister Margaret pleaded. "I am going to have to send you back down to Earth. When you get there, I want you to smoke a cigarette and call me when you are finished...we will discuss your situation then." ordered St. Peter. Sister Margaret returned to Earth, smoked a Camel, and then called St. Peter coughing and hacking. "Saint Peter" she gasped, "I can hardly breathe, my mouth tastes terrible, my breath stinks, I feel dizzy, and I think I am going to throw up" "Good!" replied the old saint, "Now you are finally getting a feel for right and wrong. Now go out tonight and drink some hard liquor and call me immediately." Sister Margaret phoned St. Peter shortly after taking several belts of Jack Daniels. "Saint Peter...I feel woozy...that vile liquid burned my throat and nauseated me...it is all I can do to keep it down." "Good...good! Now you are starting to see the difference between right and wrong" said St. Peter with delight. "Tomorrow I want you to seek out a man and know him in the Biblical sense then call me" A week later, Sister Margaret called St. Peter and left a message: "Hello, Pete...it's Maggie...It's gonna be a while!" (+Sammy....) A professional treasure hunter was diving for pirate treasure in an ocean cove. He searched for hours with no luck. Finally he started toward the shore. When he was about knee deep in the water he tripped over an old strong box. He scooped it out and opened it... It was full of gold coins! The Moral of the Story: Booty is Only Shin Deep (+Sammy....) A husband and wife were out playing golf. They tee off and one drive goes to the right and one drive goes to the left. The wife finds her ball in a patch of buttercups. She grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball. She hits a beautiful second shot, but in the process she hacks the hell out of the buttercups. Suddenly a woman appears out of nowhere. She blocks her path to her golf bag and looks at her and says, "I'm Mother Nature, and I don't like the way you treated my buttercups. From now on, you won't be able to stand the taste of butter. Each time you eat butter you will become physically ill to the point of total nausea." The mystery woman then disappears as quickly as she appeared. Shaken, the wife calls out to her husband, "Hey, where's your ball?" "It's over here in the pussy willows." The wife screams back, "DON'T HIT THE BALL! DON'T HIT THE BALL!!! (+Sammy....) An Israeli friend recently informed me that the UK fought the Islamic terrorist attacks by burying the criminals with a pig. Apparently the Islamic belief is that if ones' body is buried with a pig (because they are considered unclean) their soul will go to hell. I did a little research into this subject matter and found it to be true. This got me thinking. If we put a baby pig on every airline flight then all suicide terrorists would abort their missions as they would not want their souls to go to hell. Additionally, if we drop shipped, oh say, 100,000 pigs into Afghanistan I think our recon and assault efforts may be more successful. Apparently Muslims dislike the very sight of pigs A LOT! They are also adamantly opposed to alcohol, thus we spike their water supply with a few thousand gallons of moonshine, get them shit-faced and turn the pigs loose. The war would be over in a weekend. Just a thought. (+Sammy....) This guy enters a bar located at the top of the Empire State Building in New York. It looked like a nice place and he then takes a seat at the bar next to another guy. "This is a nice place. I've never been here before," the first guy says. "Oh really?" the other replies, "It's also a very special bar." "Why is that?" the first guy asks. "Well, you see that painting on the far wall? That's an original Van Gogh, and this stool I'm sitting on was on the Titanic." "Gee, that's amazing!" the first guy says. "Not only that, but you see that window over there, fourth from the right? Well, the wind does strange things outside that window. If you jump out, you'll fall about 50 feet before the wind catches you and you're pushed back up." "No way, that's impossible," the first guy replies. "Not at all, take a look," the other man replies and walks over to the window, followed closely by the first man. He opens the window, climbs over the sill and falls out. He drops 10...20...30... 40...50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh! He comes right back up and sails back through the window. "See, it's fun. You should try it," he says. "Try it? I don't even believe I saw it!" the first man shouts. "It's easy. Watch, I'll do it again." And with that, he falls out the window and does the same thing...sails right back in. "Go ahead, give it a try, it's a blast!" he says. "Well, what the heck, OK...I'll give it a try," the first man says and proceeds to fall out the window. He falls 10...20...30... 40...50...100 feet and THUMP!!!!... ends up with a broken arm and leg on the sidewalk below. After calmly watching the first man fall, the other guy casually closes the window and heads back to the bar and orders another drink. The bartender arrives with the drink and says, "You know, Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk!" (~Di~) When you're hospitalized, it pays to be nice to your nurse, even when you're feeling miserable. A bossy businessman learned the hard way after ordering his nurses around as if they were his employees. But the head nurse stood up to him. One morning she entered his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature." After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth. "No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his bottom. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay just like that until I get back!" She left the door to his room open on her way out, and he cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door laughing. After almost an hour, the man's doctor came into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor. Angrily, the man answered, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?" "Yes," said the doctor. "But never with a carnation." (BONDIE FL) What to do about Osama bin Laden? (I really do like this suggestion--it seems really fitting!) The problem is, what do you do with him once he's found? Kill him -- he becomes a martyr... Don't kill him -- he's a hero to the extremists .... Solution: Capture him alive, convict him of his crimes, sentence him to his punishment. What punishment, you ask? Why, a full blown sex change of course! And then send him back to his home of Afghanistan to live out the rest of his life as a woman under the Taliban government.... (+Sammy....) The Coast Guard recently stopped a boat off the California coast that was loaded with marijuana. There was so much of the stuff that they were in a quandary as to how to dispose of it. Finally they located a company on the nearby shore that had a huge kiln with a tall chimney rising high into the sky and they made a deal with the owners to burn hemp. For a time all went well, but suddenly a flock of birds flew right through the smoke pouring out of the top of the stack. As it turned out, these were terns that were native to the area and were endangered. So naturally, the environmentalists had to follow them to see what happened. And of course, they discovered that NO TERN WAS LEFT UNSTONED. (+Sammy....) Guy explains to his doctor, "Doc, when I got up this morning, I put on a pair of white gloves and started calling my wife Minnie. Then on the way to work I couldn't help singing 'Hi Ho, Hi Ho, It's off to work I go', and when I got there I started calling everyone Happy, Grumpy, Dopey and so on. What's the matter with me?" "That's easy," replies the doctor. "You're having Disney spells." (+Sammy....) Ferguson the blacksmith came to the doctor's surgery with a badly damaged foot. The doctor was surprised 'cos Ferguson was a careful man. "What happened?" he asked. "Well, 33 years ago, I was a young apprentice with Mr Thompson," Fergo began. "But about your foot?" the doc said. "This is abut my foot," Ferguson replied. "Thompson had a beautiful daughter. The first night I was there, she came in when I was in bed and asked if I was comfortable or if I wanted anything. I said I didn't. The next night, she came in wearing her nightdress and asked if there was anything she could get or do for me and I told her I was comfortable. The next night, she came in without a thing on and asked if she could do anything for me. Not wanting to keep her in the cold and without any clothes, I said there was nothing." "What has that got to do with your foot?" the doctor asked impatiently. "It was only this morning that I finally thought of what she meant," Fergo said. "I was so annoyed with myself, I threw me hammer against the wall and it rebounded and broke me ankle." (+Sammy....) A female snake charmer was wooed by an undertaker and accepted his offer of marriage. They received many gifts at the wedding, but their favorite was a set of towels embroidered with the words, "Hiss and Hearse" (+Sammy....) A sergeant asked a new recruit for his name, to which he replied `Mack.´ The sergeant said, "You must have the full name." The recruit replied, "That is my name." The sergeant then pointed out that everyone had a Christian name and a surname. To which the recruit replied, "I was christened John Thomas McDangle originally, but I´m now known simply as Mack." The sergeant was curious. "Well, I left school at 16 and, because I was extremely bright, was admitted to medical school. I qualified before I was 21, thus becoming John Thomas McDangle, MD. But I was considered too young to practice medicine, and so decided to do further study. I chose theology. On completion of these studies I became John Thomas McDangle, MD, DD. Then unfortunately, I got into trouble with a lady of ill repute and got VD. So the medical board removed my MD, the church removed my DD, the VD removed my John Thomas - nothing left to dangle, so just call me Mack." |